Comments | markiechops | MyNME

  • NME.COM
  • Tuesday, 24th November 09

markiechops News Comments (122)

Thu 01 Jan, 1970

Comments (2)

Stick to the boutique, monkeyboy.

Thu 19 Nov, 2009

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Eminem 'not very well endowed' according to ex-wife - Daily Gossip

Madonna daughter in new video, Gary Barlow and N-Dubz, Muse's music teacher speaks – your music gossip stop

Wed 02 Sep, 2009

Comments (1)

So - a new editor at the NME; time for a change, new broom etc. Your headline for today, then: "Eminem (allegedly) has a small cock". EPIC MUSIC MAGAZINE FAIL...

Wed 02 Sep, 2009

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Boston student fined for illegal downloading

Joel Tenenbaum is ordered to pay over £400,000

Sat 01 Aug, 2009

Comments (1)

That's the rap if you go stealing from the big boys, love it or leave it, but I do wonder how much of that 400k will find its way back to the artists. Bearing in mind the fact that artists that are owned by the record companies are forced to pay their own recording, distribution and marketing costs before handing back the fruits of their labour to their record label, I hope ASCAP et al claw back as much as possible in this case from the REAL music pirates in the industry.

Tue 04 Aug, 2009

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Procol Harum organist wins 'Whiter Shade Of Pale' court case

Matthew Fisher wins his battle to be recognised as co-writer on the song

Thu 30 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Justice. Imagine that song without the organ, and you have...well, no song really.

Mon 03 Aug, 2009

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Marilyn Manson threatens to 'murder' music journalists

He asks fans to join him and 'greet them at their home'

Wed 29 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Oh Marilyn; I believed you said you were on a mission to shake the world from it's complicitous and hypocritical complacency by any means necessary. When it's your privacy, dignity and power at stake, however, your true colours shine through - you are clearly the biggest phoney of all.

Wed 29 Jul, 2009

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David Byrne disses U2 tour spending

Former Talking Head says he's feeling 'less than charitable'

Tue 28 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

No-one's stopping them, Museician, and no-one begrudges their stadium-filling sloganeering, Zcorpio; that's their right. It's just that Dave, seamonkey and I are calling them for the messianic, self-righteous twats that they are, and that's our right too.

Wed 29 Jul, 2009

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New NME editor named

Krissi Murison to be title's 11th editor

Wed 29 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Great. Hopefully she'll get rid of the "Bizarre" style gossip rubbish, start covering black music again, shed the parochialism that's left the NME trailing in the wake of Pitchfork et al, regain the paper's ideological impetus, and hopefully dislodge it from the fetid indie-boy britpop miasma it's been stuck in for far too long.

Wed 29 Jul, 2009

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Madonna to release new single and hits compilation

Star set for double 'Celebration' soon

Thu 23 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

To celebrate her latest release, and keep her best, Madonna has continued on her quest for physical perfection by having a large useless physical growth removed from her labia: Guy Richie is now a batchelor again!

Thu 23 Jul, 2009

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Morrissey pays tribute to police shooting victim Jean Charles de Menezes

Singer remembers innocent Brazilian on anniversary of his death

Thu 23 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Will this moaning minnie ever grow up? He's fifty, richer than a very rich thing, and is rightly recognised - more as time passes, in fact - for being the brains behind one of Britain's greatest bands. No-one's out to get you Morrissey for fuxache, it's just that we need to give each other a break sometimes so that both our tongue and your arse muscles can have the occasional rest.

Thu 23 Jul, 2009

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Noel Gallagher on Oasis' Roundhouse gig: 'Liam was on his man period'

Guitarist speaks out about brothers' on stage rage

Wed 22 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Try life with your head on the outside of your rectum for once, mattmb101; Liam Gallagher is about as Rock n Roll as Roy Cropper.

Thu 23 Jul, 2009

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Raging Liam Gallagher hits out at fan during Oasis' London gig

Gallagher calls audience member a 'fat boy' and 'fucking student'

Wed 22 Jul, 2009

Comments (2)

I love it when mammy's boy Liam from Burnage tries to "do hard" like the big boys from school. I remember when he was at the MTV USA awards in 1996 and he tried to look rebellious and edgy in front of a room full of fo' real hardcore gangsta rappers and their crews by drinking beer from the bottle and spitting it out of the side of his mouth on stage. He was a f**king laughing stock. Oh, and of course, who can forget the time when he and his chums got bust noses after a girl-spat with a table full of estate agents only for "his people" to tell the press that they were actually heavy duty Eastern European mobsters. Edgy? That Mancunian turd's about as edgy as Patrick Wolf's shoe stylist.

Thu 23 Jul, 2009

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Kasabian: 'I don't know if it's good or bad to be Mercury favourites'

Serge Pizzorno says the band's nomination came as a shock to him

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

After seeing that photo the only thing I have to say is: "babada babada baba da da, bring it down now, babada babada baba da dah, mash it up now, we are looking backwards, we are running backwards, running through time into the past, taking retro to its natural conclusion" and for that reason alone, I'm out.

Wed 22 Jul, 2009

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Jimi Hendrix's doctor says guitarist 'may have been murdered'

John Bannister says the singer 'drowned in a massive amount of red wine'

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Strange how these "shock" allegations seem to coincide with the release of a rather tawdry-looking book and the no-doubt recent death of all other concerned parties. Strange also, how fond he is of the words "red wine". Was this Bannister bloke in UB40 or something?

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

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Jay-Z: 'the anti-auto-tune record was Kanye West's idea'

Plus rapper explains why he'll never say 'bling' again

Mon 20 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Well congratulations on your first idea, Kan't Ye.

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

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LCD Soundsystem set for new release of '45:33'

James Murphy get his friends to give his running soundtrack a tweak

Mon 20 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Still the best thing they've ever done apart from the early singles, especially the instrumental version of "Someone Great", which is so dance-tastic that it makes me want to drop kittens in a wood chipper.

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

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Who will be nominated for this year's Mercury Prize?

Barclaycard Mercury Prize shortlist due to be announced tomorrow (July 21)

Mon 20 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

What a dreadful selection. There's more fresh talent coming out of Brooklyn every month at the moment than there is out of our entire country in a year. As much as I admire them, Doves and The Manics are merely treading water, and of the established artists it's only David Holmes and Stuart Murdoch that are trying to cover new ground; they both have something genuine and compelling to say on "The Holy Pictures" and "God Help The Girl", even though their albums were passed over by almost everyone. Glasvegas are as musically flat-footed and cartoonish as every other Alan McGee "great white hope" since Oasis, meaing that the only other pop/rock acts with even a whiff of ambition and adventure on this list are Bat For Lashes, The Horrors and the brilliant The Week That Was.

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

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Oasis' Noel Gallagher: 'Benicassim was a waste of time'

Guitarist blogs about sound troubles at Spanish festival

Sun 19 Jul, 2009

Comments (4)

TOMQ84's tongue is yet again lodged so firmly inside Noel Gallagher's rectum that I'm surprised he can ever reach the keyboard.

Tue 21 Jul, 2009

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Oasis brave the rain to play rescheduled Eden Project gig

'Get orf my laaand!' intones Noel Gallagher to the Cornish audience

Wed 15 Jul, 2009

Comments (3)

It's clearly not easy being Noel Gallagher: screaming kids, fans not knowing the words to one of your many Beatles-lite toss-offs, and worst of all having to live with the fact that you are slowly becoming as annoyingly oldfartish as Phil Collins a little more each day.

Thu 16 Jul, 2009

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Blur defy illness to play 'last gig' at T In The Park

Graham Coxon races from hospital to play headline show

Sun 12 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Oh don't worry, noeling. The DVD, CD, Blu-Ray, book, download and quilt cover of these poshdads chugging away in mockney will be on sale before you even have time to fart.

Wed 15 Jul, 2009

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Oasis' Noel Gallagher snubs Liam's fashion label

The brothers won't be going Pinto fashion together

Mon 13 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

"Oh, no, Mr Press Man. I won't be buying a single item from Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green Men's clothing range, even if it does sell a selection of stylish and competitively priced garments for the modern urban young man about town that can be found at hip retailers now (that's P.R.E.T.T.Y, by the way, Mr Press Man).

Wed 15 Jul, 2009

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Keane at T In The Park: 'Who the fucking hell are Blur?'

Band cover Queen during headline slot

Sun 12 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Now now, Tom, calm down. Just because they're marginally less posh than you doesn't mean that you have to get all het up. We don't want have to send you back into care again.

Wed 15 Jul, 2009

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Dananananaykroyd bring 'Wall Of Cuddles' to T In The Park

Six-piece close BBC Introducing stage in typically raucous style

Sun 12 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Is there anyone else out there who is as unwilling to open their hearts to this group as I am because of their stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid name?

Wed 15 Jul, 2009

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Mogwai headline T In The Park

Band play loud but sparsely-attended set to close festival

Sun 12 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Mogwai's witless "blur are shite" t-shirt posturing is about as interesting as they get, and that's not very. They have prog aspirations and punk ability, which MEANS that THEIR two DIMENSIONAL quiet-LOUD repertoire IS almost AS annoying, UNINSPIRING and PREDICTABLE as SOMEONE who ALTERNATES their PROSE with UPPER and lower CASE typing BECAUSE they THINK it COMPENSATES for A lack OF originality IN their WRITING style.

Wed 15 Jul, 2009

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Oasis overcome sound blip to thrill Wembley Stadium

There will be 'no refunds' declares Noel Gallagher as band suffer brief problem

Fri 10 Jul, 2009

Comments (2)

Yeah, that's right Noel. You slip your hands into the pocket of those bowl-headed scallies and not only will they thank you for it, but they'll also actually do your job for you. It's a good job 'Wonderwall' hasn't got a tune, though, otherwise they'd have been totally fucked.

Sat 11 Jul, 2009

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Michael Jackson reference cut from 'Bruno' film

Sasha Baron Cohen's new comedy gets a last-minute edit

Wed 08 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

I wish they'd cut all of the Bruno references from the Bruno film as well

Wed 08 Jul, 2009

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Mariah Carey covers 'I'll Be There' at Michael Jackson memorial

Queen Latifah speaks of pop star's influence on African American community

Tue 07 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Like many, I was moved to tears by Mariah Carey's "Dolphin-on-crystal-meth-gatecrashing-the Tourettes-Society-Karaoke" tribute to Michael.

Wed 08 Jul, 2009

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'Oasis beat Blur in long-term Britpop war', claims music industry stats

PRS For Music figures claim more people listen to Noel than Damon

Wed 08 Jul, 2009

Comments (2)

Yeah, and "Release Me" by Engelbert Humperdink was obviously better than "Strawberry Fields Forever" by The Beatles because it pipped it to No.1. Are we now supposed to believe that Oasis have "won" some kind of imaginary war simply because they're played more often on sterile, unchallenging computer-programmed radio than their "adversaries" Blur? If we're going to apply that logic, why not just declare Celine Dion and Phil Collins the outright winners, get our pop news from the Sun Bizarre column, and put Take That on the cover of NME every week? In fact, why have the NME at all? Why bother with value judgements when you can just look at sales and airplay figures to tell you what's good?

Wed 08 Jul, 2009

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Oasis' Noel Gallagher: 'I spent £1m on drugs and enjoyed every minute'

Guitarist has some harsh words for Coldplay's Chris Martin

Mon 06 Jul, 2009

Comments (3)

There's a very clear political message in what you do Noel, regardless of your actual intentions, but you're just too fucking stupid to see it.

Mon 06 Jul, 2009

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'Noel is playing guitar on Nolan Sisters tour' - Liam Gallagher

Oasis singer prompts guest spot speculation

Mon 06 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Oh, Liam, you're so sharp. I laughed so hard at your little joke that a bit of wee just came out.

Mon 06 Jul, 2009

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Jarvis Cocker speaks about Michael Jackson on 'Question Time'

He appears alongside various politicians on the programme

Fri 03 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

Very nice of you to try and spin him out of the hole he'd dug for himself, NME, I'm sure, but you know as well as the rest of us that when he wasn't speaking about Jacko he came across as inarticulate, ill-informed, and very out-of-touch. I love Jarv as much as the next popster, but he really have stayed at home instead.

Mon 06 Jul, 2009

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Oasis' Noel Gallagher praises Lily Allen

'The Fear' singer is a 'good kid', he reckons

Sat 04 Jul, 2009

Comments (1)

The more Noel praises her, the shitter she becomes.

Sun 05 Jul, 2009

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Glastonbury festival boss: 'Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young are our best headliners ever'

Michael Eavis is so impressed he even pays The Boss' £3000 fine

Sun 28 Jun, 2009

Comments (1)

With the exception of Kasabian (whom I normally loathe but who nonetheless proved that they have the chops, the confidence, the guts and the workrate to work a festival) the only artists who have been able to deliver at Glastonbury this year all more-or-less qualify for free bus travel. The rest have been bloodless, effete, over-preened milksops who are inapable of changing a guitar string without whining at their label/pa/dealer/therapist/mother first. FUCK 'EM!

Mon 29 Jun, 2009

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NME legend Steven Wells dies

Iconic writer 'Swells' passes away after suffering from cancer

Thu 25 Jun, 2009

Comments (1)

What a great shame. Swells wrote for the NME when musicians - and music journalists - had something to say. Now that we live in a world in which bands merely sing about their shoes, and in which hacks write about music as if it were a hair product, we need people like Swells more than ever. I bet he'll be in the great bar in the sky with Lester Bangs tonight...

Fri 26 Jun, 2009

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Nude Madonna and Guy Ritchie painting finally sold

Buyer found for Peter Howson's work

Tue 09 Jun, 2009

Comments (1)

Madonna? I thought it was David Beckham and Wayne Rooney until you said otherwise...

Thu 11 Jun, 2009

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Mani: 'Stone Roses will reform if we're offered enough money'

Bassist says there's a chance the Manchester legends will play together again

Tue 09 Jun, 2009

Comments (1)

I'd happily match whatever any promoter was stupid enough to throw at them just to keep their derivative, chimp-walking, twat-dancing, flares-wearing "musical" mouths firmly closed forever.

Wed 10 Jun, 2009

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Apple unveils new iPhone

New 3G S smart phone is faster and offers better battery life

Tue 09 Jun, 2009

Comments (1)

Wow! cut/paste, phone search and i-linking! Weren't BlackBerry and Nokia handsets doing this three years ago? How about putting a camera from the 21st Century, video and MMS on there instead of the ability to buy useless-but-pretty apps that tell you the relative humidity in Gabon?Oh, and while you're at it, why not unlock the handsets and free them from restrictive and (allegedly) ludicrously over-priced O2 contracts like they're forced to do on the continent?

Wed 10 Jun, 2009

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Kasabian reveal Rolling Stones inspiration behind new album sleeve

Story behind 'West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum' explained

Tue 28 Apr, 2009

Comments (1)

Reasons why I want backward-looking, parochial, safe, lazy, knuckle-dragging, suedeheaded, anorak-wearing, myopic Britrock to die, number 132:- "We wanted to do, like you know the Stones dressed up as wizards, and all that kind of shit." Really, I ask you. There is only one thing I can bring myself to say after reading such utter nobwipe, and that is that these go up to eleven.

Wed 29 Apr, 2009

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Detroit baseball field to be named after Kid Rock

The star will also serve his own beer at Detroit Tigers games

Wed 01 Apr, 2009

Comments (1)

I think this is a great idea; I'd love to see Anal Cunt do the same thing with their local women's crown-green bowling team.

Mon 06 Apr, 2009

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Rolling Stones to reissue 14 classic albums

'Exile On Main Street', 'Sticky Fingers', 'Some Girls' are among the reissued records

Thu 02 Apr, 2009

Comments (1)

Why oh why do these money-grabbing, t-shirt-selling wrinkloids embarrass themselves by allowing this cockmunch back catalogue to be even listed, let alone remastered? After Exile (which is now 37 years old), the only half-listenable thing they've released is "Some Girls", and that was in 1978. As well as being continually and inexplicably lauded for being nothing more than an anorexic tenth-rate Dr Feelgood cover band, it continues to baffle me that so many people still get off on licking the old Keef anus, bearing in mind the the fact that the only interesting thing he's done in a generation is stick the remains of his dad up his snout.

Mon 06 Apr, 2009

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Keane: 'We're the new Pink Floyd' - Daily Gossip

The Prodigy, Amy Winehouse, Elvis Presley – your music gossip stop

Fri 03 Apr, 2009

Comments (1)

They're not even the new Pink.

Mon 06 Apr, 2009

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Lily Allen gets political in LA

Singer speaks out against President George W Bush

Fri 03 Apr, 2009

Comments (1)

Wow: this girl has almost as many political smarts as that twatsinger from The Enemy. Tell me, poor little rich ligger, what do you think we should do about Darfur?

Mon 06 Apr, 2009

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Madonna fails in second Malawi adoption bid

She hasn't been resident in the country for long enough, officials say

Fri 03 Apr, 2009

Comments (1)

Why doesn't she just adopt the whole country and throw out the ones that aren't cute enough for her?

Mon 06 Apr, 2009

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Liam Gallagher denies Google Street View 'sighting'

Oasis' fashion label owner derides doppelganger's legwarmers

Sat 28 Mar, 2009

Comments (1)

I've seen it and it looks nothing like the chimp-walking Manc numpty; his knees are far too close together and his hands are more than 3 inches from the floor.

Mon 30 Mar, 2009

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The Enemy: 'We saw the recession coming'

Tom Clarke believes conditions will make people see them in a new light

Fri 27 Mar, 2009

Comments (1)

NEWS FLASH: In the latest of a shock series of revelations, Tom Clarke today finally confirmed that war is bad, that black people are the same as white people, that we should all live in peace and harmony, and that things would be so much kewler if the kids were in government. Watch this space for further details...

Sun 29 Mar, 2009

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Pet Shop Boys accept Outstanding Contribution To Music award at BRITs

Duo introduced onstage by Brandon Flowers

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Come on you dumb rockists, lighten up, for fuxache. The Brits were so full of po-faced blokebands this year that it was like punk never happened. The Pet Shop Boys were an absolute hoot last night, and their brilliant performance did a massive pop-wee on all those stupid rock bands they were forced to share the stage with.

Fri 20 Feb, 2009

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Girls Aloud win Best British Single at the BRITs

'The Promise' bags them the gong

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

BRILLIANT! Apart from The Shoppies camping it up, the single award was the best thing that happened last night. You clearly don't understand The Manics mindset, Willy Plonka, because I can bet you any money that they'd think they were the one act from last night that had the most in common with their aesthetic.

Fri 20 Feb, 2009

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Dinosaur Jr, Editors, Lostprophets sign up for free Cure album

Tracklisting announced for exclusive NME giveaway

Tue 17 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

This is a brilliant idea; how about doing a Smiths collection?

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

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Nas reveals via blog that Kelis is having a baby boy

Hip-hop couple will welcome a son this year

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

That's what happens when your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

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Dame Vera Lynn embroiled in BNP scandal

The 91 year-old doesn't like the party using her songs on a CD

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Good on you, Vera! I'm surprised the BNP haven't tried to slip half a dozen Morrissey songs on there, meself.

Wed 18 Feb, 2009

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David Cameron apologises for being a Morrissey fan

The Conservative leader pays tribute to the star

Tue 17 Feb, 2009

Comments (2)

I thought Morrissey would've been too right wing for David Cameron...

Tue 17 Feb, 2009

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Yoko Ono asks fans to recreate iconic 'bed-in for peace'

It's exactly 40 years since Ono and John Lennon's peaceful demonstrations

Fri 13 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

It would really make the world a peaceful place if Yoko could recreate that moment in John and her's performance of "Instant Karma" on TOTP, where she perfomed with a gag on - only for a bit longer this time - like forever.

Mon 16 Feb, 2009

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Simple Minds announce new album details

'Graffiti Soul' is released this May

Fri 13 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

When you say that your new songs are "ballsy", Jim, do you mean that they're vibrant and out-there, or merely that they're bollocks, as usual?

Fri 13 Feb, 2009

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Peter Gabriel pulls out of Oscars

Singer cancels appearance after learning of performance limit

Fri 13 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Peter Gabriel pulls out of Oscar's what?!

Fri 13 Feb, 2009

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The Fray knock the Boss off the top of the US chart

Denver band score year's first Number One debut

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

The Rules of Rock: No.1 - NEVER sing while sat at a piano.

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Santogold changes name to Santigold

No explanation given for new title

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

One simple change of vowel is still not enough to stop her sounding like a brand of ladies sanitary products.

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Script, Natasha Bedingfield turn their videos into carboot sales

New Clikthrough technology lets you buy everything

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

After reading this article, I now want the music industry to die.

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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The Stone Roses' debut to get 20th anniversary reissue

Album to be re-released as boxset in June

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Are you flippin' joshing, or what?! The most over-rated 45 minutes of Hollies-soundalike Brit-cack is to be reissued as a boxset!? A BOXSET!? And what, pray tell, is going to be on that? The same handful of anonymous rave-by-numbers remixes which cropped up on the last 57 re-releases of this shitheap? A tape of Ian Brown's voice coach driving a dagger under her own shoulderblade in desperation? A field recording of Cressa practicing his spazz-dancing at Spike Island? Or perhaps the guffaws of a million Americans gloating at the death of British music as the commercial and critical force it had been 1964, and never would be again. The Stone Roses and their bastard Britpop offspring did more damage to British music than SAW, The Spice Girls and Simon Cowell put together.

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Kanye West 'devastated' over alleged Rihanna attack

Rapper says she is like a baby sister to him

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Most people would have been horrifed by what they heard about Rhianna; Kan't ye, however, was horrified by the "concept" of what he'd heard. Deeeeeeep....

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Limp Bizkit reform with original line-up

They plan new album, world tour

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

the...horror......the...horror...

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Bob Marley beer, clothes and hotels on the way

The Marleys have struck a deal to licence the legend's name on merchandise

Wed 11 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

It's bad enough that we've got Yoko Ono littering the world with her John Lennon hippie-lite bullshit theme parks. Now we've got ANOTHER load of peacebollocks to look forward to!

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Courtney Love 'wrestles' with Mickey Rourke - Daily Gossip

Rihanna, Alex Turner, Thom Yorke – your music gossip stop

Wed 11 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

The news that those two monsters are now going to be sucking the botolinum out of each others faces on a regular basis suggests that we should probably display biohazard signs every time they're seen together in public.

Thu 12 Feb, 2009

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Whitest Boy Alive announce headline UK shows

Band play in the UK this April

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

I'm a peace-loving guy, but the alarming synergy created by the combination of that name and that publicity photo is making me want to go on a pop star killing spree.

Wed 11 Feb, 2009

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Ecstasy use is 'no more dangerous than horse riding'

ACMD expected to urge UK government to downgrade drug to Class B

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

I can't remember the number of times I got off my tits in the 1990's, and I would happily do it again even though I knew it was a dicey business - I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it so much if it WASN'T a bit risky, if the truth be told. So I hope you can understand me when I say that any nob who is naive enough to think it is NOT dangerous deserves to have a ballpoint pen kicked into their temple on account of their sheer stupidity.

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

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Dinosaur Pile-up announce UK tour

Hotly-tipped Leeds band will hit the road later this month

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Group names these days are so helpful. I don't need to waste 3 1/2 minutes of my life listening to their new single, because I already know they're shit!

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

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Update: Rihanna's boyfriend Chris Brown in 'domestic violence felony battery' allegation

He is being investigated after alleged incident last night

Mon 09 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Felony Battery sounds like the name of a porn star.

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

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Osama Bin Laden's niece to work with Black Lips

Wafah Dufour lining up garage rock record?

Mon 09 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

She's almost as pretty as he is; they're certainly lookers those Bin Ladens, no mistaken. European terrorists were always so ugly-looking in the 1970s, especially those dreary IRA men and those frightfully dowdy Baader Meinhof women, so it's quite nice now to have glamorous freedom fighters for a change. She can drive her plane into my tower any time.

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

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Barack Obama says 'motherfucker' on new song

Hear the musical effort on NME.COM now

Mon 09 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Gosh and cripes-amighty! That's so left-field, out there, challenging and perspective-changing that I've just ha -zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tue 10 Feb, 2009

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Lily Allen admits to searching for herself on Google

Singer also wants Kate Nash to star in film about her life

Sat 07 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Googling yourself after getting drunk at an awards ceremony with Wossy and Mark Ronson is God's way of telling you that you should get the f**k out of music before we all end up with a nasty case of "be-here-now-itis". I thought the '90s were over...

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

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Coldplay ditch Chris Martin for studio session

Singer reveals band are recording without him during solo set

Mon 02 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

I love Brian Eno; he's got it worked out. 1. Charge a bunch of pretentious porkers a six figure sum and a stonking royalty for you to "produce" their album and lend them a bit of kudos. 2. Turn up at the studio on the first day of recording and get them to pull a card out of a pack that says "Wear a hat while listening to an old Glen Campbell record. Think of your favourite cheese.". 3. He goes on holiday to do some decent work, leaving a minimum wage engineer in charge until the aforementioned group phone him in Mali and ask for another card. 4. He flies back first class at crap group's expenses and duly obliges. 5. Album comes out, Eno coins in the readies, and goes and hides in a teepee for a year. 6. Eno, needing money for Rain Forest Theme Park in Clacton, sends cryptic letter to aforesaid group stating that their journey together is not yet finished. 7. Go back to step 1.

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

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Courtney Love set for 'secret' DJ set tomorrow (Feb 6)

She'll spin tunes at London's Queen Is Dead club

Fri 06 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Steady on nickster, I've just eaten. I think instead of giving kids ASBOs they should force them to look at Courtney's groupie fur-burger.

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

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Kanye West: 'New Oasis video breaks my heart'

He's a fan of the video for 'Falling Down'

Fri 06 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

I find it amazing that Kanye had his head out of his rectum long enough to notice that other artists exists. Either that, or he's just bought him self a very small television.

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

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Peaches Geldof and Chester French's Max Drummey to divorce

Bob Geldof's daughter's six-month marriage comes to an 'amicable' end

Sat 07 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

I was so gutted to hear that these two musical legends had seperated that I immediately went and nailed my foreskin to a park bench with a pickle fork.

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

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Pete Doherty brands Dirty Pretty Things split 'a publicity stunt'

Star also discusses Paul McCartney and cats at Dublin Trinity College talk

Sat 07 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Coming from the man whose turned a complete lack of self-respect into a free circus that no-one turns up to anymore, I think that's a wee bit ripe.

Sun 08 Feb, 2009

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The Cramps' frontman dies in hospital

Lux Interior was 62

Thu 05 Feb, 2009

Comments (1)

Lux Interior and John Martyn gone in the same week. Both from different galaxies, but both equally fabulous.

Thu 05 Feb, 2009

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Goldie Lookin Chain brand Lily Allen 'as thick as pig shit'

Welsh rappers slam 'The Fear' singer

Sat 31 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

Oh dear, it seems as if Mr Pot is again making perjorative statements about Mr Kettle's hue. Goldie Lookin' Chain's sole contribution to our culture these days seems to consist of staining the sofa in those "The Top100 Most Annoying Celebrity Hairdressers"-style TV list programmes while somehow making tracksuits and comedy records appear even more low-rent than they already are.

Sun 01 Feb, 2009

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Alan McGee: 'Glasvegas could be biggest in the world'

Former Creation man talks about Shockwaves NME Awards Glasgow gig

Sat 31 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

I think it was the success of Oasis that actually killed off McGee as a creative force. For releasing "Upside Down" alone I can forgive him his annoying bleating about Coldplay, but when you remember that this man oversaw the release of "Loveless", "Screamadelica" "Bandwagonesque", "Giant Steps" and "Copper Blue" within a 12-month period you begin to realise what an exceptional A&R man he was for a while. Too much white powder clearly saw off his muse, and he hasn't been involved in anything half-decent since XTRMNTR.

Sun 01 Feb, 2009

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John Martyn dies

Singer/songwriter passes away aged 60

Thu 29 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

What a shame. He was probably Britain's best singer-songwriter to follow after Nick Drake, and he was always prepared to try something new, even if it didn't always work out. Check out Bless The Weather, Live at Leeds, and particularly Solid Air and Grace & Danger, the latter being one of the most enjoyably miserable albums ever recorded, even though (or perhaps because) Phil Collins is on it a lot.

Thu 29 Jan, 2009

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Patrick Wolf announces short UK tour

Singer to play handful of shows ahead of full jaunt

Wed 28 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

I love Patrick Wolf's willingness to be his wonderful, free-flowing camp self at a time when "indie" has been ghettoised by chimp-walking macho-tit dullards in chavoracs. It's just a that he hasn't got the pop-savvy, immediacy and extra bit of sparkle to go with his individuality and attitude, though. The charts, for what they are, need boys like Patrick.

Wed 28 Jan, 2009

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Kanye West responds to 50 Cent 'gay' jibes

West calls 50 'iconic' despite being attacked on new song 'Heartless Monster'

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

Comments (2)

Why HipHop Sucks In 09: these two tossers are so pompous, narcissistic, overblown, touchy and so infatuated by the whiff of their own rectums that they make prog look like skiffle.

Wed 28 Jan, 2009

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Slipknot fan dies after heart attack at Iowa show

CPR fails to revive 29 year-old man

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

I had the good fortune to meet Joey Jordison and Corey Taylor at Heathrow Airport once, and they were two of the loveliest and most unaffected people I've ever met in the business of show. Shame their records are such shit...

Wed 28 Jan, 2009

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Kanye West: 'Address me as Martin Louis The King Jr'

Rapper says he wants to change his name

Mon 26 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

The Louis Vuitton Don? I think "Mr Buyrite dickhead" would be stretching it..

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

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BPI hit back at claims music piracy is 'like stealing soap from a hotel room'

Recent UK government comments infuriate the music industry

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

That's not a particularly accurate analogy; most soap is actually useful.

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

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Pete Doherty gives tips on how to pull women like Kate Moss

Babyshambles man gives his tips...

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

Comments (2)

Well that's lesson one taken care of, Pete. I suppose lesson two will be about how to keep them, which you don't seem to have pulled off yet. I don't suppose you've realised that the only reason why some weak-headed people consider you fuckable is because your famous. It's got nothing to do with your clobber, you're supposed sexual magnetism, your dick size, your back catalogue and the fact that you were once good. The only reason you're beddable is the same thing that would get a 68 year old, 25 stone pizza-faced newsreader laid, and that's the simple fact that you've had your face in the Daily Mirror a few times. Now how about you keep your mouth shut for once and rediscover what it was that made you interesting in the first place.

Tue 27 Jan, 2009

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Kid British confront Boris Johnson during London tube 'gig'

Newcomers also have a run in with London Transport Police

Wed 21 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

This is lame beyond description. Even pop-botox-monster Simon Cowell wouldn't stoop to something as laughably contrived as this. Will someone please tell these jumped up Northern no-mark monkey-walking twats that the only publicity stunt that really works is a good tune.

Thu 22 Jan, 2009

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Jay-Z explains meaning behind Barack Obama 'History' song

'It's about trying to find victory', says the rapper

Wed 21 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

What was that?? Will someone please stop this man from disappearing any further up his own backside before he turns into Bono. I long for the days when he didn't think he was a serious artist and the only thing he had to say that a b*tch wasn't one of his 99 problems.

Thu 22 Jan, 2009

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U2 album artwork branded 'rip off'

US artist claims the band copied him on their new album

Wed 21 Jan, 2009

Comments (2)

Oh dear; is it really 17 years already since bongo and his sanctimonious bandmates nearly sued the group Negativland out of existence, merely for featuring the word "U2" on the sleeve of their record of their record of the same name? Is it really only the same amount of time since U2 themselves pirated copyrighted material for use on their Zoo TV tour?Maybe God told them to do it...

Wed 21 Jan, 2009

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Morrissey to quit music?

Moz says he doesn't plan to go on much longer

Wed 14 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

On the day that his mentality catches up with his biology he'll probably be gutted to learn that his talent retired 22 years before the rest of him did.

Wed 14 Jan, 2009

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Adele hooks up with Jack White again

Plus the singer has collaborated with Jack Penate

Sat 10 Jan, 2009

Comments (1)

I think Adele has a genuine talent, but I think it's sad that she was pushed into releasing an album a year too early just so that her record company could ride the crest of the Winehouse wave. Her voice has a depth and range that Duffy could only dream of, but XL's decision to push her into an early release meant that her voice effectively rattled around a set of lacklustre songs. If she'd signed for a label like Parlophone as it existed before Terra Firma stepped in she would have been hot-housed, kid-gloved, given the time to practice her chops, mature and generally grow even hungrier. Anyone who saw her accomplished performance at the Mercurys earlier this year will have seen the power and potential the girl possesses.

Mon 12 Jan, 2009

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Irish investigation against Sex Pistols revealed

Punks were a cause for official concern in 1978

Wed 31 Dec, 2008

Comments (1)

Ah yes, Eire in the good old days, when they were still practising one of the earliest examples of globalisation and outsourcing. Why live under the boot of British imperialism when you can get the Roman Catholic church in to oppress you more efficiently and for a fraction of the cost?

Thu 01 Jan, 2009

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John Lennon to appear in advert from beyond the grave

Former Beatle joins campaign to get technology to the poor

Sun 28 Dec, 2008

Comments (1)

Don't you just love the Lovely Yoko. Everytime she needs a bit of attention she digs up the smacked-out wife-beater and forces him to jumpstart the weary old peace industry all over again. People get antsy about Thumbs-up Macca, but nothing annoys me more than the ridiculous ego-trip that the Lennon's lived out in public in the last eleven or so years of his life.

Wed 31 Dec, 2008

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Jazz pioneer Freddie Hubbard dies aged 70

Trumpet player worked with Miles Davis, John Coltrane

Tue 30 Dec, 2008

Comments (1)

Shame. Check out Hubbard's "First Light" from the album of the same for a blast of pure unadulterated sunshine. Then if that floats your boat, try the cheestastic loungecore cover version of same by Percy Faith, which was made dug out of the bargain bin by David Holmes in the 1990s; either is a fitting tribute to the great man.

Wed 31 Dec, 2008

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Alex James: 'I'd be surprised if Amy Winehouse lives beyond 2010'

Bassist gives his views on drugs

Tue 30 Dec, 2008

Comments (2)

When he says 2010 do you think he means the year, or ten past eight? Either sounds perfectly feasible. There's something about Doherty that tells me he'll grow up, move on and survive, but Amy?She's walking wormfood...

Tue 30 Dec, 2008

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U2 planning five different versions of new album

Extras include an exclusive magazine, book and Anton Corbijn film

Tue 23 Dec, 2008

Comments (1)

Bongo and his po-faced Jesus-rocking bandmates, clearly no longer content with saving the world, now want to fleece those parts of it that they haven't yet managed to buy. They had the nerve to massively overcharge for three remastered albums that were over 25 years old earlier this year, and now they want to overmarket another album from the same ideologically vacuous seam they've been mining since 'Pop' went tits-up and forced them to change tack in the '90s. I've now decided that for every mediocre album released by over-protective megabands who're shit-scared of the dent that they think limewire will make to their already enormous bank balance, I'm going to illegally download TEN from their back catalogue, just to spite them. Just what am I going to do with a PC-full of shit Metallica, Oasis and U2 though?

Fri 26 Dec, 2008

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Estelle: 'Paxman treated Dizzee Rascal like an idiot'

'American Boy' singer slams the BBC presenter

Thu 18 Dec, 2008

Comments (2)

Would you like to tell me more about why you've decided that Dizzee Rascal is NOT British, TOMQ84, or are you scared that you'd have your profile deleted if you did?I suppose it's probably slipped your mind that if it wasn't for African-American music the NME - or contemporary British Music and the Industry as a whole - wouldn't even exist. Idiot.

Fri 19 Dec, 2008

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Hear Guns N' Roses' 'Chinese Democracy' early

Axl Rose and co preview album online

Thu 20 Nov, 2008

Comments (1)

Well I've just had a listen, and it's the biggest bag of tune-free arsewhiff I've heard in centuries. It's like "Be Here Now" wrapped in shit-smeared hair-metal spandex.

Thu 20 Nov, 2008

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MTV EMAs name Rick Astley 'Best Act Ever'

Get the full results from the Liverpool ceremony

Fri 07 Nov, 2008

Comments (1)

The only thing more amusing than these silly awards ceremonies is the outrage that they inspire in "serious" rock music fans who are outraged that their favourite group could be overlooked in favour of some Danish hair-metal wannabes.

Fri 07 Nov, 2008

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Oasis announce summer 2009 UK stadium shows

Band reveal new gigs directly from Wembley Stadium pitch

Thu 16 Oct, 2008

Comments (2)

"I give thanks that we're headlining it and not some heritage act on before a bunch of kids."Yeah, that's right Noel, let's have you and your fortysomething knuckle-dragging bandmates doing their Beatles tribute act instead.

Fri 17 Oct, 2008

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Jon Bon Jovi objects to Sarah Palin using his song in rallies

Singer issues statement saying he does not support its use

Wed 15 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

I hereby issue a statement declaring that I disapprove of the Bon Jovi song "Who Says You Can't Go Home" being used by Bon Jovi.

Thu 16 Oct, 2008

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Missy Elliot, Tupac feature on posthumous Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes album

'Eye-Legacy' will be released in January

Wed 15 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

So let me get this right: a rapper is to appear on a tribute album to a singer that died six years after he did?

Thu 16 Oct, 2008

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Oasis announce details of first 2009 'super-gig'

The Gallaghers will play Slane Castle in June

Wed 15 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

A gig featuring Oasis will be "super" in the same way that a Panini filled with excrement will be "delicious".

Thu 16 Oct, 2008

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Pink beats Oasis to Number One

And Kings Of Leon remain top of the album chart

Sun 05 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

Oh dear. Crapshitepopmoaner Pink has beaten dadrockdullards Oasis and their single "Shit Of The Lightweight" to No.1. Am I right in thinking that I've just ejaculated with grief, or is it merely sarcasm running down the front of my jeans?

Mon 06 Oct, 2008

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Oasis brand Keane 'shit'

Noel Gallagher also reveals life threatening incident

Sat 04 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

Here we go again. The tonedeaf twatrock dadthug opens his lips and the NME just puckers up and swallows his offerings whole again. And what tasty bon mots are we offered by the Oscar Wilde of the Burberry-wearing Chavistocracy this time? "Keane Are Shit". Wow, that's so witty, original and "out-of-left" that it's almost like the kind of copy you used to get from Morrissey in the 80s. For some unknown reason, my aversion to Keane seems to have just ended....

Mon 06 Oct, 2008

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Oasis' Noel Gallagher gives injury update

Guitarist speaks about rib pain and rehearsals

Fri 03 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

Can you go easy on the Oasis anilingus, please, NME? I'm sick to death of logging on and seeing at least two flimsy Oasis headlines every time I'm on-site. What do you give us today today? "middle-aged tune-free twat with aversion to originality has sore ribs after being duffed up for crimes against music". Fig buckin' deal...

Fri 03 Oct, 2008

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Apple to shut down iTunes?

An argument over royalty fees is due to be settled soon

Wed 01 Oct, 2008

Comments (1)

Bearing in mind they now charge about the same for an virtual album than Amazon do for a physical release without the worry of warehousing, packaging and handling costs, and which comes DRM'ed, undersampled, unpackaged, and with no guarantee of fidelity, I think they've got a damn nerve.Even if their margins were trimmed, you'd think the massive profit they make on their hugely overpriced and annoyingly disposable iPods would offset any potential loss.I recently listened to my friend's iPod after years of wondering what I was missing out on, and I was astonishing to discover that the sound quality was markedly WORSE than on my Sony mobile phone.The sooner these shysters and their crappy tin boxes get flushed out of the music market the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Thu 02 Oct, 2008

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