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Void-brained hack Dan Brown has curled out a new novel, 'The Lost Symbol', destined to be enjoyed by millions of the kind of people who read with their mouth open and their finger on the page.
Now, only a wanky literary snob would sneer at the multi-million selling 'Da Vinci Code' scribe on the basis of his facile plots, lunk-headed clichés, balsa-wood dialogue, and the general sense that each chapter has been laboriously traced in crayon by an author with his tongue protruding from the side of his mouth – so let's mock him for his embarrassing musical past instead.
Never much of a reader, until 1993 Dan Brown's ambition was to be a singer-songwriter. His first effort was an album of children's music, containing such simple and repetitive ditties as 'Happy Frogs' and 'Suzuki Elephants' – a clue, perhaps, to the future quality of his penmanship.
Emboldened by this experiment, he moved to Hollywood to make it as a professional musician. There he recorded an album, entitled simply 'Dan Brown' – daring imaginative leaps have never been his thing – which included a song about phone sex called '976 Love' (sample lyric: "I take you to bed and push the phone to my head/You make me feel like a man.")
976 Love
Brown followed this up in 1994 with a second album. 'Angels And Demons', a chilling premonition of his future novel of the same name.
Lest you think we're just having a dig at Dan Brown because he's a famous author, we should stress that these songs are quite staggeringly bad: overblown, blustery, and blandly all-American - think Barry Manilow meets the 'Baywatch' soundtrack meets Team America's 'Only A Woman'.
'All I Believe', in particular, aims for 'Imagine-style cosmic awe (There's no God above, there's no fall below…") and winds up sounding like 'Angels' as reinterpreted by an utter berk.
Listen and weep:
All I Believe
Here In These Fields
If You Believe In Love
NME.COM blogs contain the opinions of the individual writer and not necessarily those of NME magazine or NME.COM.
Permalink
Max [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 12:26
This is the funniest thing I've read for quite a few months. I think the NME gets it wrong fairly often. But when you get it right, you get it very, very right! A*.
Dee Diddy [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 13:03
These 2nd rate Michale Bolton turds are so bad, not even the influence of the Illuminati and the the Priory of Sion couldnt make sell!
Stephen [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 14:07
It's easy to piss on people when they are more successful than you. Bet the writer hasn't even read one of Dan's books
JRL [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 14:38
I'm not a Dan Brown fan, but this has to be one of the most pompous, trying way too hard to be clever articles I've ever read. A bit jealous of his success, perhaps?
Luke Lewis [Member] //September 15 2009 at 15:43
Not particularly, no.
[Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 16:19
Ignore the article if you wish; these songs are so diabolical it makes no difference if the writer has read Dan Brown's books or not. Gave me a laugh, anyway.
joe [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 16:21
the songs r pretty shite lol but cut him some slack, he probably realised they were shit. why don't u review the book instead?
Captain Caveman [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 17:04
Wow.
He can't write novels or songs. I'm impressed.
And before flaming me going all "OH HOWZ ARE U BETA? LOLZ" I'd like to point out that he can't write novels. He's very successful at writing trashy idiotic wank that would put an eight year old to shame. For real.
Having said that I did have a good chortle :). Nicely done NME.
yes [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 17:34
either way, dan brown is unbelievably shit. as an author I mean. his books are stupid, the films of the books are stupid, HE is stupid, and his music is further proof that he is a complete imbecile.
Dan Brown [Visitor] //September 15 2009 at 19:06
Im still better at writing tunes than liam Gallagher. Song Bird? FUCK OFF!
Wasa [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 03:48
OMG!!! He actually released that tripe? I can't believe what I just heard...
Erik [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 06:51
Nice stuff. Reminds me of those Bud Light commercials "Real American Hero" -- though not that funny
witm8 [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 09:53
yes he is a crap writer, but the irony of this being pointed out by the nme is just too much for me.
Dave B [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 11:45
I find it fascinating to see how people target someone incredibly sucessful and declare that they're actually just shit. Dan Brown's sold how many millions of books, won how many awards, and made how much money? Doesn't it all imply that maybe he's actually extremely good, and perhaps only shit in small aspects that no-one really cares about? Sorry guys, but you give away far more about yourselves than you'd perhaps have wished to in mindlessly slagging Brown off.
NME [Member] //September 16 2009 at 11:58
Which awards would those be? Selling millions of books and being a manifestly shit writer are not mutually exclusive.
barrow [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 12:42
"Lest you think we're just having a dig at Dan Brown because he's a famous author"
Err, well this "article" wouldn't have appeared had he not been a famous author.
Scott [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 13:04
Was this article written by a sixth former or something?
Dig out your Proust book, and go and sit in a coffee bar in the vain hope that someone might think you're intelligent or interesting.
Gary R [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 13:22
@Captain Caveman: Given that you don't seem to be able to use punctuation properly, or form sentences which actually mean what you intend them to mean, I find it hard to assign any credibility to your criticism of Dan Brown's books. At least he gets his point across, even if it is via simplistic language usage.
I would remind the author of this piece that a considerable number of readers probably did enjoy Dan Brown's books. Well done for finding the music though. It isn't exactly pleasing on the ear :)
sTEVEN [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 14:16
Luke Lewis. Are you 10 years old?
Jack [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 14:27
I've never met anyone who read a Dan Brown book and didn't realise it was shite immediately. I used to worry about some of the comments on this website. Now I know there's just as many fuckwits here as there is anywhere else.
Adam [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 14:29
Ive read his books, does this mean that i struggle to read without my tongue hanging out the side of my mouth? Dan Brown is certainly not going win any distinguished
literacy awards any time soon but to make sweeping judgements about the 40 million members of the public who have brought his books is pretty poor (and lazy) journalism!
I think maybe you should stick to reviewing music as having read some recent reviews it seems you need the practice.
(His songs are terrible though!)
Luke Lewis [Member] //September 16 2009 at 15:08
"Lazy journalism". That's a cliche worthy of Dan Brown right there.
allan [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 16:51
someone gets successful, some twat bashes them, ah the nme way. when does the muse backlash begin? they've ridden high for way too long. i like dan brown's books, they are entertaining and in the end up that is why you read them. are you upset because you were supposed to interview him and he turned you down or something or is it an intellect thing you just didn't get what he was writing? what other reason could there be for this diatribe?
Jack [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 16:53
jesus christ! some people take themselves way too fucking seriously don't they? He's having a laugh, he wrote a funny article about a bloke who wrote some shit songs. No matter what you think of Dan Brown, just either like the joke or don't - don't waste your little fanboy lives arguing about it on the internet. Personally i thought it was funny mate, although i'm not sure why we're pointing out the hilarity of this early 90s music when JLS seem free to wander the streets without fear...
Luke Lewis [Member] //September 16 2009 at 16:55
No reason, other than I think he's rubbish, and his music is even more so. Hence the rant.
Chris [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 17:07
Just because he's sold lots of books, doesn't mean they're well written. The main reason is probably the subject matter of The Da Vinci Code and the somewhat compelling plot. These songs are to music what the books are to literature.
Dave [Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 19:35
@Allan, Muse are shite. They got a shit review in NME aswell so its already began. Is Luke not allowed an opinion?
[Visitor] //September 16 2009 at 19:48
The music's extremely cringe-worthy, but I didn't exactly wet my pants. It's a bit of a trivial article really; Mock the Week would do a better job.
allan [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 07:24
so luke lewis. in the interest of fair play. when does your book come out, or indeed, your album? it's very easy to sit behind the glare of your computer screen waiting for your stumps to come to life and peck out criticism for those who have done what you have not. have a bash at it, write the hit single that gives you the right to give others a hard time for failing to do what you have. at least then your pedestal would have been earned.
Connor [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 08:00
These songs are hilarious. Dan Browns novels are entertaining. They're by no means incredibly written, but they are fun in a summer blockbuster type of way.
Luke Lewis [Member] //September 17 2009 at 10:09
@Allan - But I don't WANT to write a novel, or a hit single. It's not a question of sublimated envy. I just happen to think Dan Brown is a really, really shit writer.
dave [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 13:17
i quite like that all i believe
haunting.
[Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 13:37
Well call me a square but i'd like to see any of you "trendy people" pour out your soul the way mr brown has on such hidden (until now that is) gems as 976 Love and Here in these Fields. Hearing them i almost felt i could touch the pain. And as for the Imagine thing, it's not a crime to reference Lennon as long as you do it in an intelligent, articulate way. I mean the guy IS a literary figure. He knows his way around these things. Personally, I will not rest until i own at least one (1) copy of dan brown - the album.
nmestaff [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 14:53
The people who write for the NME are wankers and jealous of other people who did something with their lives.
Luke Lewis [Member] //September 17 2009 at 14:54
@nmestaff: Why does it make you so angry that someone has slagged off Dan Brown? Are you really that big a fan of his?
KeefDoug [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 19:01
I wasted a good few hours reading that Da Vinci code tripe! All I took away from it was the fact that the Louvre has magnificent parquet wooden floors!
I wonder how many of those 40 million read the book on the hype, like me, and hated it, i'll wager a substantial chunk did!
Dan Brown is a shrewd business man who wrote a book for idiots.
The fact he was a failed balladeer also, only reinforces his poor standing as a novelist.
Iyad Horani [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 22:34
actually it doesn't make any of us angry, your the angry dude luke :) i think there are more important stuff in this world to worry about than making us all agree with you that Dan brown can't write a novel, at the end of the day, your not a novelist, neither i am, we're just readers, and if you happen to hate his novels, don't buy them, move on :) because honestly i don't think your opinion will cause any dent in the book sales, if any, it will make us more interested in reading it :) Cheers Luke and relax
girl [Visitor] //September 17 2009 at 23:15
Luke lewis, again I have no idea why you put yourself through this, but just wanted to say that even though something is popular doesn't make it good. I mean look at all the crap music around that sells.
Jonesy [Visitor] //September 18 2009 at 14:37
f***ing perfect. I've never been a supporter of book burning but if it gets cold this winter a pile of DB's shite novels may just keep the cold out. they are purile, sterile shit just like the music. keep it up boys, doesn't mean a damn but makes some us laugh!!!
Alexei [Visitor] //September 22 2009 at 04:20
I once attempted to read Da Vinci Code. And the first chapter was so awful I had to put the book down. His writing style is so underwhelming. The guy can not write an interesting sentence if his life depended on it. Too bad people are so easily duped.
jason [Visitor] //September 22 2009 at 16:39
Write something better then.
Luke Lewis [Member] //September 22 2009 at 16:43
Oh for fuck's sake.
Andy Brice [Visitor] //September 23 2009 at 16:21
"…the kind of people who read with their mouth open and their finger on the page."
Oh, now come on. It's a bit out-of-order to take the piss. I do both of those things because I find reading genuinely pretty hard. It doesn't mean I'm a moron (or at least, as far as I can tell).
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