Ever get that feeling, rifling through your Oscars swag bag of goodies, where you just can’t see the Vampire Breast Lift® you were hoping for? Very frustrating. Happens all the time. Every year, in fact – until now.

Because in this year’s goody bags, Oscar nominees in the acting and directing categories can expect to receive not only the £1,300 Vampire Breast Lift® – yes, actual TM, we’ll get to that in a minute – but also a 10-day trip to Israel worth £38K, a year’s worth of car rentals, toilet paper worth £190 and (slightly pricier than luxury toilet paper, apparently) personalised M&Ms worth £207. There’s even a £170 ‘arouser for her’ which provides ‘gentle suction and stimulation’. The total bag is reportedly worth no less than £160,606.

Back to this trademarked rejuvenating breast lift thing though. It’s a 15-minute, implant-less procedure that uses recipients’ own ‘platelet-rich plasma’ to “restore the breast to a more natural shape.” That basically means they draw blood from their arm, spin it at a high speed to separate the special vampire plasma, and inject it back in the boob. Results last anything from a year to a lifetime, apparently.

The stuff on the cheaper end of the spectrum is simultaneously just as entertaining and depressing. There’s a dual-chamber vape, which Leo DiCaprio may well crack out, but the underarm “sweat solution” from Dandi Patch says a lot about the gold-leaf sheen of the awards night, as do the Hydroxycut Gummies, a weight-loss aid. It’s a list that screams Hollywood’s perfectionist image issues from the rooftops, then trails off into a mad, delusional laugh.

Here’s a full list of what the famous actors and directors are being given for free:
Ten-day first-class trip with Explore Israel: £38,000
15-day walking tour of Japan: £37,000
A year’s worth of unlimited Audi car rentals from Silvercar: £31,000
Lifetime supply of Lizora skin care: £21,600
Meal donation to a choice animal shelter or rescue from Halo Natural Pet Food: £4,361
Fit Club TV ‘Ultimate Fitness Package’: £4,326
Ultherapy, a laser skin-tightening procedure at 740 Park MD: £3,828
Steamist Total At Home Spa: £3,500
Grand Hotel Excelsior Vittoria: £3,461
Grand Hotel Tremezzo: £3,461
Golden Door Spa: £3,322
Delovery gift: £1,384
Vampire Breast Lift: £1300
Three private training sessions with ‘celebrity wellness expert’ Jay Cardiello: £969
Personal fitness sessions with Alexi Seletzky, celebrity trainer: £623
Sundial Power Coating: £350
Belldini apparel: £207
My M&M’s: £207
Joseph’s Toiletries toilet paper: £190
Nuelle Fiera Arouser For Her: £170
Tools by Gina salon product: £170
Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer: £173
Healing Saint by Dr. Jane 360: £133
Lat & Lo jewelry: £100
Caolion skin care: £93
Tribute: £87
Zekkle Edge: £87
Sedona Lace makeup brushes: £76
Rouge Maple: £68
Mezcal El Silencio premium Mezcal: £51
Signature Vodka: £48
Phantom Glass screen protector: £33-40
Memobottle reusable bottle: £32
Greenhill Winery & Vineyards: £27
Chocolatines treats: £24
Slimware: £20
Farm Wife Style handmade jewelry: £17
Dandi Patch, underarm sweat solution: £14.50
Purely Inspired Organic Protein: £13.85
Hydroxycut Gummies: £13.75
Gleener on the Go: £8.30
Mission1 Clean Protein Bar: £3.90/box