17-year-old writer Billie JD Porter passes on the sage-like learnings she's garnered each week, as she combs through the mangled mess of shindigs and hoohahs that is the 'new music scene'. Then shits all over it.

Lesson 1: Filming a music video is tedious and boring (but drugs can offer light relief)

continued...

You might remember Wolf Gang from a Radar feature in the mag a while ago. He is a five foot something solo-artist who makes great dandy-pop guitar music and looks a lot like Frankmusik (just sayin').

On Saturday he shot the video for his new single 'The King And All Of His Men' at a big old house in Shepperton Studios, and I was was asked to come along and help out with proceedings.

My brief was to 'come with some girls and wear something black and white.' I always agree to do music videos thinking they will be a barrel of laughs, but something like this usually happens, and it's only when I'm slathered in white face-paint, readjusting my underwear under some chafing spandex that I start reassessing my values as a person, and the definition of the word 'degrading'.

I'm a harlequin. Love being a harlequin right now.

Incase you haven't heard the song, there are some 'ooohs' which are
repeated in every chorus. Somehow I ended up miming along to the 'ooohs' in the video. I felt like this guy:

I got so cocky after my big break in a music video for an up-and-coming alternative artist that I thought I could get away with getting stoned halfway through the day, then spent the rest of it being incapable of grasping the all-important dance moves for the closing scene. Shit, man (I said that a lot on the day).

Lesson 2: All of these new noise bands suck

ddd and Factory Floor played at White Heat on Tuesday.

I couldn't judge either band fairly because I was standing behind two idiots who distracted everyone by dancing like badly-made puppets controlled by wildebeests, poking their feet inwards and spinning around with their eyes rocking back into their skulls the whole night.

Hey guys! Get out of the zone one second and swivel on this why dontcha!

ddd played well, but I'm not buying this false adventurousness that all these 'noise' bands are doing. Skull-fucking feedback for 45 minutes doesn't make for a unique live performance. It just sounds bad and hurts your ears.

Here are Factory Snore being edgy:

What I learnt from this evening is never to go to shows where I see members of the band Advert in the audience. A sure-fire sign that you're about to witness some long drawn out hoover sounds/people that shouldn't be allowed to call themselves 'musicians'.

Photos by Jamie Taete

Lesson 3: Don't push your luck

Could hardly believe my eyes when I was press-released for the, ahem-ahem-ahem 'new' Uffie video 'Pop The Glock'.

You'd think that something that's been, like, four years in the making would look a little less like 'Homecoming' by The Teenagers meets an episode of Laguna Beach meets a Windows 95 Screensaver. I think Uffie is one hundred percent cool, I'm just astounded at the choice to release this song which has zero meaning now.

The moral of this story is not to release the song about the boyfriend who made you famous as your first single when you're now married with a child belonging to someone else. Essentially, I think the key is to be relevant.