Letters Live – the performance event series celebrating the glory of literary correspondence – has announced a limited run at London’s Freemasons’ Hall from 10 to 15 March next year, and to mark the occasion they’ve asked a number of actors, musicians and writers to share their letters to Father Christmas.

Yesterday, we ran Thom Yorke’s letter to the man in red. Below, we exclusively present Jarvis Cocker’s wish-list for Santa, in which the Pulp frontman and cultural polymath asks for, among other things, a personal wifi “cold-spot” and some sexy glasses – athough surely he has plenty of those already.

An offshoot of Shaun Usher’s celebrated book Letters Of Note, Letters Live sees a surprise line-up of guests reading the words of numerous world figures. Tickets start at £35 and last year’s performers included Benedict Cumberbatch, Kylie Minogue, Russell Brand and many more. Click here to read more Letters Of Noel, including one from Benedict Cumberbatch.

JARVIS COCKER’S LETTER TO FATHER CHRISTMAS

Dear Santa,

Replacement hubcaps for 1986 Chrysler Town & Country
Pot noodle
Satsuma
Guided missile that only kills evil people & leaves nice people completely unscathed (see British MOD for details)
Cords with 32″ waist, 35″ leg & 15″ flare
Batman mask (60’s version)
Spiralizer
Vox repeater guitar pedal
Reverse-action SodaStream (for de-carbonising atmosphere – should work shouldn’t it? & then we could fire all the captured CO2 out into space in the form of “cosmic burps”)
Blind faith
Personal wifi & network coverage “cold-spot” (dunno if this has been invented yet – but it ought to have been)
Sheffield Wednesday season ticket
Cashmere underpants
Sexy glasses
Remote-control suitcase
Easy chair
Difficult chair
Portable rowing boat
Cuddly toy
Jeremy Corbyn’s fishing hat
Driving gloves
Noise-free record turntable
Fur-lined blinkers
Electric car (with removable batteries so existing motorway service stations can be converted into battery-exchange stations & you don’t have to leave the car plugged in all night which is a bit of a ball-ache)

Cheers, Jarvis x

PS: chimney has been cleaned – jackdaw nest removed. Mince pie, carrot & Bailey’s in usual spot. Please take care on new carpet.