We are all – you, me, that woman over there – mega excited about the upcoming festival season. The boozy mornings! The secret gigs! The giddy rush when your favourite band plays your favourite song to tens of thousands of loved-up people! Mainly the boozy mornings! And yet. Someone always finds a way to be a dick at a festival, let loose from their lives and free to inflict their awful, uninhibited personalities on the unsuspecting public for three, possibly four whole days. Yet it needn’t be this way. Please, for the sake of us all, for everyone’s benefit – don’t be dick this festival season.
DON’T SIT ON SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOULDERS IN FRONT OF ME
For some reason, this is usually a girl perched on a guy, his head sprouting from between her thighs like some kind of meaty parasite. Look, I hope you two have a great time back in your tent, but we’re trying to watch the band. Please, for the love of The Maccabees, spare us the gallantry.
DON’T PISS ON MY TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Don’t do it at any time, really, please. Piss on your own tent, if your must. Piss on your own tent as if it were a canvas urinal containing your essential belongings, but leave mine as dry as the over-cooked burger that just cost me eight quid.
DON’T HOLD A SIGN THAT SAYS “FREE HUGS”
We’re on to you, pervert.
DON’T WEAR A MORPH SUIT
Congratulations, you look like a human condom.
DON’T SHOUT “ALAN!!!!” OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was funny when the BBC made that TV show where they dubbed human voices onto clips of wild animals in 2009 and one of them shouted “Alan!” a lot, wasn’t it? Oh yes, ho ho ho, it was very funny indeed. We all laughed in the year 2009. Yet the year is now 2016. We all like Justin Bieber and have quite possibly reached peak Netflix and chill. Give it a rest, you time machine fucktards.
DON’T BOTTLE ACTS YOU DON’T LIKE
Imagine there’s a piece of your soul in every bottle you chuck at the stage, because it’s sort of true.
DON’T START A CIRCLE PIT TO JAMIE T
Or any other act that really doesn’t warrant a circle or mosh pit. Look, everyone’s excited about Disclosure at Reading & Leeds, but if you find yourself charging at some poor kid during Sam Smith’s crooning vocal spot on ‘Latch’, maybe get you some anger management.
DON’T BE A MINION
Apparently it’s now a thing to go to a festival dressed up as a Minion from the Despicable Me films, which – a reminder – are made for children. You’re a grown human adult. You have work on Tuesday. What are you doing? You look like a tumour in a boiler suit.
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DON’T PLAY YOUR ACOUSTIC GUITAR IN THE CAMPSITE
And after all / your talent is small.
DON’T COLLECT EMPTY CUPS FOR PITTANCE
At some festivals they give you 10p for every empty beer cup you collect and return to the bar. You see money-grubbing sad cunts parading through fields with cup towers worth possibly two pounds and you think: “MATE. You will never recoup your expenses for this weekend. Desist, you modern-day rag-and-bone man.”
DON’T WEAR A MANKINI
Fuck’s sake. Dress as a Minion, if you have to. I mean, Jesus Christ, wear a morph suit, if you really must. Just… do me a favour and just keep that thing away from me. You’re not Borat. You’re not even that bellend from TOWIE. You look like a burst sausage, sliding out of its skin.