Overheard At Glastonbury 2016: The Weirdest Things Uttered At This Year’s Festival

Have you ever eavesdropped in on someone’s conversation whilst waiting for the toilet, and heard something you wish you hadn’t? Maybe on the quality of someone’s poo, or what happened to Johnny after that one beer too many. Or maybe you heard some top quality bullshit in the queue for hot dogs that was just too irresistible not to share. With its levelling combination of medievel living conditions, we-are-all-one unity and prolific amounts of cider, Glastonbury is a place where personal boundaries slip, and we, dear readers, have been eavesdropping all weekend. Here we bring you 14 of the weirdest and wackiest things uttered at Glastonbury 2016.

In response to impressive stage antics

An enthusiastic punter watching Ellie at Wolf Alice: “Mmm. I love Wolf Alice. I bet she smells nice.”

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During Foals’ set, after Yannis Philippakis had said “are you ready?” three times: “This is turning into a bleeding pantomime.”

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“Oh god. Newton Faulkner is covering Justin Bieber. Everything about that sentence is wrong.”

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On the lineup

“For fuck’s sake, Sunday afternoon is just loads of twats with feelings I don’t care about.”

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In the toilets

“I’m 100% about to vomit right now, but totally down for Muse when I’ve got this evil out of me.”

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One punter, looking at the compost toilet cubicles after the rain: “That looks like carnage. *looks inside* Oh god, that really IS carnage.”

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On festival hygiene
“Oh god, these shorts are a nightmare. I’m not sure whether the mud is making my thrush better or worse.”

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“Ooh, my fanny’s honking”

On post-Glasto plans
A girl, looking in the mirror, groaning: “I’ve got acne and I need Botox. Shall we have a Botox party? Ya know, get the Lambrini in, and we can do some botox, yeah?”

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On food and drink
“Wait. Stop the bus. How do you smuggle a shit load of beer in under a tutu?!”

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“I think I’d like to be proposed to over a Buddha Bowl. They’re the best thing ever.” *stranger pipes up* “I second that shit.”

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On compromise
“I took the hubby to Madness just to keep him happy and pacified before Adele.”

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On spotting Sid Owen in the backstage bar
“Ricky from EastEnders looks like a boxer who’s been punched in the face too many times”