Over the years, the Sunday afternoon “legend” slot on Glastonbury’s Pyramid Stage has become an enshrined part of the festival experience. This year, it was Dolly Parton, who drew one of the biggest crowds organiser Emily Eavis has ever seen at Worthy Farm. Before her, we’ve had Paul Simon, Tom Jones, Brian Wilson and, in 2013, Kenny Rogers. It’s a delicate alchemy and a tricky slot to pull off – the act needs massive songs with huge singalong choruses that everyone knows, perfect for lulling you out of your Saturday night hangover and into the festival’s final hurrah. Let’s take a second to recklessly speculate who could be next in line for the prestigious slot, shall we?
Imagine being smashed out of your face on cider strutting around with your mates to ‘Heartbreaker’. Amazing, right? Mariah could even recreate the song’s famous hot pants car wash video by scrubbing down a Worthy Farm tractor live onstage. HUGE.
Despite heaps of critical darlings cribbing from his moody ’80s pop style of late (Bon Iver, Poliça, I’m looking at you), Phil Collins in 2014 is like the pop culture answer to someone’s embarrassing uncle. But c’mon: ‘Easy Lover’. ‘Against All Odds’. ‘True Colours’. You’re telling me with the right amount of alcohol coursing around your veins you wouldn’t be wailing your lungs out? Of course you would.
Sting and/or the Police
Sting’s got the tunes and the hippy mindset for the “legend” slot. It’s a total win-win situation: we’ll get to bounce along to blockbuster tunes like ‘Message In A Bottle’, ‘Roxanne’ and ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’, and he’ll get to do tantric yoga at 5am in the Stone Circle afterwards. Magic indeed.
Over the last few months, everyone’s favourite Summer Holiday-goer has begun inching his way into the world of indie. First up, there was that Morrissey support slot that unfortunately never came to be. Then he made his first ever appearance in NME after over 50 years of crooning, speaking about the Smiths legend. At this rate, by next June, Cliff could well have enough kudos with the Worthy Farm faithful to pull off a slot like this. Might we suggest a collaboration with Fat White Family to help him along the way? It’s also worth pointing out that devout holyman Cliff must have racked up some serious brownie points with the big man upstairs over the years so who knows, maybe he could even bring a bit of good weather to Worthy Farm while he’s at it.
With a massive back catalogue of Supremes bangers to fall back on, as well as solo smashes like ‘Chain Reaction’, Diana Ross would rock the shit out of Glastonbury. If nothing else, the booking would be worth it just to see the notorious diva have a meltdown at the sight of all that mud, requesting the entire route from her trailer to the Pyramid Stage be carpeted over with red velour or something.
Hall and Oates
Daryl Hall and John Oates on a sunny Sunday afternoon at Worthy Farm? To paraphrase one of their biggest hits, I COULD go for that. Imagine a sea of 80s hairdos, specially permed for the occasion. It’d be special. The tunes are all there: ‘Out Of Touch’, ‘Maneater’ and of course ‘Making My Dreams Come True’. Come on Michael Eavis, make OUR dreams come true!
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