Rock stars’ downstairs loos: absolutely chockablock with awards. Honestly, you should see 'em: statuettes from the cistern to the ceiling. And with the NME Awards 2016 With Austin, Texas set to make a right mess of the 02 Academy in Brixton next Wednesday night (February 17), the problem will only worsen. Ah, but here are eight other essential – and often curiously pleasurable – uses for that prestigious NME gong.
Use it to cheer yourself up on Valentine’s Day
Light the candles. Sprinkle some rose petals. Because, man oh man, that thing is gonna hit the spot.
Use it to push buttons in lifts
No-one talks in lifts, but your fellow passengers will be in silent awe of your Villain of The Year 2003 prize. What did you do in 2003? Actually, no, we don’t want to know. It’s too awful to contemplate. Goddamnit, though, you’re magnetic.
Use it to ward off children on Halloween
Stick an NME Award in your window on October 31st and the message is clear: “Eat this, you little creeps.”
Use it to prod public transport users who have no concept of personal space
That thing is cold, invasive and very, very hard. No, I don’t want to talk about how I found that out.
Use it to answer questions about the passion project you abandoned through laziness
“How’s your novel coming along?”
Use it to cheer on your favourite team
Foam hands are so 2015.
Use it to stab beer cans open at parties
I mean, you could use the ringpull, but that’s not a conversation starter with that person you fancy. That’s not gonna break the ice with The One, is it? Opening a beer with your NME Award is a sure-fire way to attract the attention of your soul mate, the only one who truly understands you, your future spouse, best friend and loving receptacle for your NME Award.
Use it to hail a cab to Winnersville
Achievement unlocked: you won the only prize that matters!