My balls taste of Yakult. You might not have wanted to know that, I just had to get it out there. Y’see, I’ve been taken over by Lana Del Rey’s strange urge to expose my deepest, darkest genital-flavouring secrets following the most inappropriate piece of product placement in a song ever: “My pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola,” she sings, as if to some seriously baffled Dr Christian, on 2012 track ‘Cola’, explaining that “I have a Scottish boyfriend and that’s just what he says!” Bizarre pillow-talk indeed, but at least she should count herself lucky he didn’t ask her to get it deep-fried.
All of which set us thinking of our favourite worst sex lyrics, those lines that leave you wincing with ‘too much information’ and never wanting to do the big dirty again. Here’s our ten, now ram us up the comment box with your un-lubed suggestions.
10 Shakira – ‘Whenever, Wherever’
“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don’t confuse them with mountains” sang Shakira, vastly underestimating our level of education in the field of geological formations. All very well, Shak, but which popular soft drink do they most taste like?
9 Another Level – ‘Freak Me’
“I wanna lick you up and down and then I wanna lay you down, come on, sex“. Well, Another Level, quite the charmers. “I love the taste of whipped cream, spread it on top of me“. Um, gag. “I wanna see your body drip, come on, let me take a sip“. Hurl! “Let me lick you up and down til you say stop“. STOP! STOOOOOOPPPP!
8 Kings Of Leon – ‘Sex On Fire’
They’d certainly come a long way from the penile dysfunction of ‘Soft’, but we should urge you once more not to try sex on fire at home – Kings Of Leon are trained professionals and you may cause serious injury and possibly death.
7 Led Zeppelin – ‘Whole Lotta Love’
In the classic blues tradition, a ‘back-door man’ was a term widely used to refer to a gentleman prone to having affairs with married women, thereby always sneaking away via the rear exit. When Robert Plant sang the deathless line “Shake for me girl/I wanna be your back-door man“, however, we’re not 100 per cent certain that that was what he meant.
6 TASTiSKANK – ‘The Sex Song’
The comedy song is an intentional hotbed of bad sex rhymes, but despite Spinal Tap vowing to “sink her with my pink torpedo” and The Lonely Island declaring matter-of-factly that “I just had sex/A woman let me put my penis inside of her“, the biscuit in this category is taken by NYC duo TASTiSKANK and their ode to having a shit one-night-stand with an unnamed celebrity. “You’re the worst sex I’ve ever had/It was so fucking bad/You couldn’t ever find my clit/Even if I drew a map to it” they claim over a Sheryl Crow style country croon. And the romance only diminished from there: “Had to fake every single one/And lie there like a corpse until your ass was done…You rammed my head against the wall/Trying to get your hot dog down my hall“. The Chris Brown cover is presumably in the pipeline.
“Sex is natural, sex is good/Not everybody does it/But everybody should” says George, like a creepy teacher cornering us on a field trip, before unveiling his true intentions – “Sex is something we should do/Sex is something for me and you… Sex with me/Sex with me/Have sex with me/Come on“. And his arguments in favour? “It’s natural/It’s chemical (let’s do it)/It’s logical/Habitual (can we do it?)“. It’s chemical?!? Get that steaming pipette away from us, you maniac!
4 Manhattan Transfer – ‘Popsicle Toes’
“You got the nicest North America/This sailor ever saw/I’d like to feel your warm Brazil/And touch your Panama/But Your Tierra del Fuegos are nearly always froze“. Do you see what the continental perverts Manhattan Transfer have done here, readers? Yes, they’ve likened the Americas to a sexy lady! North America is clearly the chestal region, Brazil and Panama the more tropical and rain-forested areas and Tierra del Fuegos the girl’s tundra-tinged titular toes. Would you shag them? Nope, us neither.
“My humps/My humps/My lovely lady lumps” was presumably supposed to make us think of heated grindings on clubland dancefloors. Instead it made us think one word. ‘Mammogram’.
2 Kiss – ‘Burn Bitch Burn’
The title doesn’t exactly augur much in the way of tender and considerate love-making, but it transpires that it’s the sheer heat of Kiss’ love that will be causing the 3 rd degree burns in this relationship. Still, nothing can really justify the easily misconstrued line “I wanna put my log in your fireplace“. Does he mean sex, or is he so drunk he’s forgotten the way to the lavatory?
1 Khia – ‘My Neck, My Back (Lick It)’
Virtually an instruction booklet on how best to tongue-please Khia – and you’d think she was made entirely of popsicles, the girl wants so much licking – very little of ‘My Neck, My Back (Lick It)’ is printable on a family website. But amidst this frenzy of rim-tastic Khialingus one line was particularly grotesque: “All you ladies pop your pussy like this“. You’d almost believe she had a cervix full of Pringles.