I tried. Seriously, there was a whole day where I thought I had managed not to pass comment on Capital H-E-R. I reasoned with myself that talking about Gaga, listening to Gaga, looking at Gaga is how The Straights pass their time.

I don't have a Twitter or Facebook, so it's easier to avoid her. Basically, the reason Lady Gaga is the ultimate Generation-LOL/OMFG popstar is because she deals in a constant succession of lame and tame – momentarily diverting, I suppose, if you work in call centre – look-at-me non-events that can be summed up easily in 140 characters. There is never any depth to what she does, so it's easy for annoying people to just go "OMFG what is Gaga wearing?" and move on. And yeah, her clever-clever apologists will say something like, “But that’s the point!” and probably say I “like indie!” or “don’t get pop!” but, y’know: eat me. This is the exact reason I’m not on Twitter or Facebook.

Anyway: then I heard the album. You can read loads of fawning, balanced, analytical, intelligent, adult bullshit about ‘Born This Way’ everywhere. so I’m going to do it in <140 completely unbalanced characters, then move on.


Born This Way

You can re-tweet this if you like. In the meantime, let’s have a look at the 10 ways that ‘Born This Way’ and Lady Gaga suck the big one.

1. The Music
You know a record is shite when it receives reviews that are almost all glowing while also saying openly that the music is crap. Just to be clear: the music throughout ‘Born This Way’ is terrible. And that’s not offensive terrible, just IKEA-in-beige terrible. An indistinguishable soup of fuckwit-trance of the sort they play in chain pubs on Friday nights so Jill from accounts can do “sexy dance” in front of Rupert from payroll after her third Pinot Grigio, then go home to her husband at 9pm.

MIA told NME that all Gaga’s music “sounds like 20-year old Ibiza disco”, but that’s too kind. It sounds like the sort of Ibiza disco someone who has never been to Ibiza and is terrified of taking ecstasy would play in their car, to try and fit in. I guess that’s what happens if you write half your album with the guy behind this:

2. The Lyrics
Made up entirely of soundbites about how crazy she is that can be tweeted nice and easily. See: “I want your whiskey mouth/All over my blonde south” See: “Put your hands on me, John F Kennedy”. Gaga writes in tweets, to be re-tweeted. Great. How exciting. Also: you can tell a non-crazy person, because they’re always going on about how crazy they are. Real crazies try to act normal. Uninteresting people try to be talked about.

3. The Haus Of Gaga
One can only imagine what a massive bunch of hyper-straight half-a-line-of-coke-and-I’m-inventing-the-future sycophantic non-artistic lightweight douchebags this lot are.

Nicola Formichetti of Haus Of Gaga

4. The Sexuality
To anyone but the dumbest person alive, it’s quite clear that Lady Gaga is about as bisexual as Chris Moyles. She’s one of those tedious people who uses other people’s sexuality as a posture, as in “being gay is outrageous!” Which in its own way is harmful. Not as much as Tyler The Creator’s gross homophobic asshole posturing is harmful, but harmful nonetheless, in that it conforms wholeheartedly to stereotype. And this of course spreads in to the aforementioned music, also. Head over to gay culture blog Fagburn and this is what they’ve got to say: “Fagburn's problem with the Gaga is that the music sounds like the sort of music I've been running away from in gay clubs for the last 100 years. Oh, and I find her ever so slightly patronising.” Exactly. “Don’t be a drag/Just be a queen!” Give me a fucking break.

5 The Reviews
Especially the NME one.

Gaga in Judas vid

6. The Heavy Metal Stylings
I mean, really, is there any greater proof of musical conservatism and dullness that someone who actually thinks, in 2011, that heavy metal is in any way whatsoever extreme? Jesus fucking Christ! When was Wayne’s World, about 20 years ago? People who like heavy metal don’t think it’s extreme, and neither does anyone else. Go watch the Iron Maiden documentary. They’re the most normal blokey blokes imaginable! Again, calling a song ‘Heavy Metal Lover’ or getting your dancers to wear Iron Maiden t-shirts is Fearne Cotton-level outrageousness.

7. The Outfits
Obviously. These, again, are just to be tweeted about. The Kermit dress, the meat dress, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bore off. The point of a popstar is to look fabulous and sexy and alien, not like a school fête. David Bowie, Marc Bolan et al were outrageous, yes. But they looked outrageously beautiful, not just outrageous. Outrageous on its own is the “You. Are. Mental!” guy in your office with the Homer Simpson tie. In fact, now that I think about it Lady Gaga is the pop music equivalent of a Homer Simpson tie.

Lady Gaga Bug Eyes

8. The Face
Her face just has that horrible Veruca Salt look about it that says “Daddy, you have to pay for me to try be a popstar for a year, or I’ll scream and I’ll scream and I’ll scream!”

Gaga's Petulant Face

9. ‘The Edge Of Glory’
The final track on the album, and an utter monstrosity. Features Clarence Clemons, which is just sad. As far away from the edge, or from glory, as it’s possible to be. Unveiled live in Carlisle, which is fitting, because it sounds like really, really, REALLY bad Belinda Carlisle. Should have been called ‘This Veg Is Boring’.

10. The Fact That I Gave In And Wrote Something About Her
Oh well. She’ll be chip wrapper be Monday anyway. But, as I’m sure someone below will point out, this is “the point!”. It’s “disposable!” It’s “Warholian!” It’s “not indie!” Yawn. Goodbye.

Lady Gaga, 'Born This Way' - album review

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