14 Things That Definitely DID NOT Happen At Justin Timberlake's Post-Brits Party

Justin Timberlake's PR has instructed us not to report on the fact that the singer played a post-Brits gig at the Kentish Town Forum last night. So we are keeping schtum. We know nothing about anything to do with the whole thing. For example, here is the nothing we know


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Justin Timberlake did NOT appear onstage with a full big band called The Tennessee Kids who he often did NOT turn to conduct like a maestro at a very classy Bar Mitzvah.

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Justin Timberlake did NOT open wearing an acoustic guitar to deliver a scintillating version of the phenomenal ‘Like I Love You’.

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Justin Timberlake did NOT then pile into a tight-ass sleek number called ‘My Love’ (NEVER a single that anybody’s heard of).

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Justin Timberlake did NOT secure an opening hat-trick by then cutting loose on epic ballad ‘Cry Me A River’ which he resolutely did NOT take to a new, unimaginable level by adding in a rapped segment from Jay-Z and Kanye West’s ‘Niggaz In Paris’. No siree.

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JLS were NOT in attendance, along with Tom Jones and Justin Bieber. Not there.

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Justin Bieber’s presence was NOT greeted by wild screaming. He did NOT induce this by lifting up his shirt to reveal whatever is NOT under his shirt.

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When NOT performing ‘Senorita’ Justin Timberlake NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS altered the lyrics of the breakdown from “and the ladies say” to “and the birds say” out of respect for the females of London.

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Justin Timberlake did NOT perform ‘Suit & Tie’ or ‘Mirrors’ or another new song called ‘Pusher Love Girl’ and another called ‘That Girl’. We don't know about any new things Justin Timberlake could possibly be doing.

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Justin Timberlake has NOT got straight hair now. He has NOT had it chemically straightened.*

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Justin Timberlake did NOT do a version of INXS’s ‘Need You Tonight’ which did NOT put a smile on anybody’s face. ANYWHERE.

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Justin Timberlake did NOT go from ‘Rock Your Body’ into The Jackson’s ‘Shake Your Body Down (To The Ground)’ and perform a dance move called ‘The Shovel’ repeatedly while remaining a complete dude. Because that's frankly impossible.

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Justin Timberlake CANNOT still beatbox.

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Justin Timberlake did NOT say “I’m fucking PISSED” twice because he does NOT know the local lingo.

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Justin Timberlake did NOT have any charisma onstage whatsoever and this journalist did NOT feel like a woman in a Lynx advert, NOR did this journalist squeal like a 14 year-old when Justin Timberlake did NOT exude any male prowess whatsoever for any moment of his 90-minute show. No feelings. It was totally NOT one of the best things this journalist has ever experienced.

*This might be false. Anyone?

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