You’re probably not spending enough time on social media. There probably aren’t enough things to annoy you on Twitter and, let’s face it, you’re tiring of classmates whose Facebook feeds are now filled with wedding and baby photos, especially since you still can’t believe some of these people have GCSEs. But don’t abandon the internet and go for a bracing walk just yet.
First, check: are you following all of these awesome musicians’ accounts on Instagram? No? That could be the cause of your social media drought. It’s time to restore the balance with sarky memes, pop stars with monkeys and endless, endless gym selfies – and since they’ve got loads of followers, it doesn’t matter if you accidentally hit ‘heart’ when you’re stalking 43 weeks deep.
Father John Misty (@fatherjohnmisty)
The singer-songwriter’s music trades on a deeply sarcastic sense of humour and his ‘grams certainly don’t disappoint on that front. Father John’s approach to Instagram is pretty righteous, as he takes lame stock photos and captions them with hilariously weighty philosophical diatribes. He also received 1227 ‘likes’ for a photo of a blank wall and followed it up with a series of posts mocking how totally inane that is. Preach!
Craig David (@craigdavid)
He’s overdue a career renaissance and indeed the British hip-hop star has been sharing video clips of new tunes lately, but let’s be honest – we’re here for the gym selfies. Q: How might your life look if you spent more time pumping iron and posting inspirational memes (“When you stay in your own lane you never have to worry about traffic”) than re-watching Cassetteboy remixes on YouTube? A: It would look like Craig David’s life.
You’ll have to wade through a lot of adverts for her new clothing line, and the more unfiltered days of Riri’s photographic output – in 2013, for example, her documentation of the goings-on in a strip club in Calgary was nothing short of comprehensive – are long gone, but the Barbadian singer’s account still exudes a thrilling lust for life. Can you imagine what it would be like to party at Crop Over Festival in Barbados with Rihanna (above)? Now you don’t need to.
Mykki Blanco (@mykkiblanco)
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It’s not all about proper famouses. Underground rappers are killing it on Instagram too. Hip-hop has, historically, not exactly embraced LGBT issues, but rapper and queer activist Michael Quattlebaum Jr –aka Mykki Blanco – is redressing the balance one selfie at a time. He also once a posted a screengrab with the words: “Yes I am a feminist with a black dick who says bitch.” No-one said fixing a heteronormative world would be simple.
Fred Macpherson (@fredmacpherson)
The Spector frontman’s ‘gram game is truly on point and he’s carved an exceptional niche cataloguing life on the hipster front line. If you’re looking for candid shots of Cav from Swim Deep and an equal split between references to Drake and Jeremy Corbyn (and, if we’re honest with ourselves, isn’t that what we’re all looking for?), Fred’s your man. He also excels at subverting Skepta lyrics into banging picture captions.
Carrie Brownstein (@carrie_rachel)
The Sleater-Kinney badass and Portlandia actress oscillates between posting pictures of her dog, Toby, who’s pretty much internet famous at this stage, and her current reading material, which might provide inspiration for bookworms trying to wean themselves off the internet and into the pages of a good tome. She’s also fond of the odd film still – you can bet Brownstein’s a Diane Keaton fan – which lends her profile a touch of class.
Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus)
If there’s a more random Instagram account on the internet, we’d like to see it. In the last week alone, the ‘Wrecking Ball’ singer has Photoshopped herself into a picture of a young Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, ‘grammed a set of naff children’s suitcases that look like ladybirds and penguins and screengrabbed a FaceTime session with Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne. What’s good? Miley’s ‘gram game, that’s what.
Wayne Coyne (@waynecoyne5)
What a strange and beautiful – and fruitful, given their recent collaboration as Miley Cyrus And Her Dead Petz – friendship Wayne and Miley share. Coyne’s Instagram account is as psychedelic as the music he makes – for example, he’s prone to posting pictures of his art projects such as ‘The King’s Mouth’, a bizarre head-shaped sculpture you can climb inside. We just hope Miley keeps that wrecking ball of hers well away from it.
St Vincent (@st_vincent)
Annie Clark, aka left-field pop purveyor St Vincent, has an eye for the absurd and isn’t above pursuing the lowest common denominator in search of a laugh (see above). We salute you, Annie! Elsewhere you’ll find graffiti of a cock and balls and a well-observed snap of a Czech pizza box that features an illustration of a man who looks remarkably like George Clooney. This is what the internet was invented for.
Louis Tomlinson (@louist91)
No-one is asking you to like One Direction’s music. If you do, bully for you, but the question here is: aren’t you a just bit curious as to what it looks like inside the biggest band in the universe? Yes, Harry Styles has more than twice as many followers, but mainly offers arty black-and-white amateur photography and ain’t nobody got time for that. Louis does full band selfies and a picture of himself with a monkey. That’s the real shit.
Since we’re talking about the biggest pop stars on the planet, Bey’s more emblematic of the American Dream than the Statue Of Liberty, and her Instagram account is fittingly self-possessed. Don’t expect too many domestic shots with hubby Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy (though you’ll get a few) as this account’s mainly about her doing her thing – namely, looking like she could buy and sell your entire life and everything it contains. Inspirational.
These LA punks have approximately 46 million fewer followers than Bey, but who’s counting when they’re so committed to documenting the carnage their crew has wrought upon the world in the last five years? It doesn’t matter if you work in a bank and have got really into sudoku lately – you can live your abandoned punk dream through these hard-touring and harder-partying hoodlums. Leave the bruises to them, eh?
Ella Yelich-O’Connor’s Instagram, however, is a little more red carpets and health food than scuzzy punk clubs and you feel more upmarket just for casting your eyeballs over her seemingly perfect life. It’s laudable that she even posts photos of herself when she’s feeling a bit rough though, as she did before Kanye’s recent fashion show at New York Fashion Week. If Lorde can weather an off day, so can you.
Speaking of Lorde – she recently appeared on Drake’s Instagram feed, which the Canadian rapper used to call her “wifey” and spark speculation about a collaboration. He’s a master marketer and uses his pictures to generate hype about upcoming projects (one of the few clues leading to the release of ‘What A Time To Be Alive’, his album with Future, came via a ‘gram of its album art). Also: gym selfies to make Craig David blush.
Jack Antonoff (@jackantonoff)
Bit of a Taylor Swift/Calvin Harris vibe here: the Fun guitarist’s posts offer a peek into his gilded life with Girls creator Lena Dunham. The couple are basically the geeks who inherited the Earth and, my, what a place it looks to be. Jack also knows how to post a mean picture of a crowd from one of his shows. You might see yourself, or a bit of your hand or something, in the background. You’re famous! Your hand’s famous!
Ryan Adams (@misterryanadams)
The prolific singer-songwriter has been in New York lately and boasts a knack for making it look like the dirty old 1970s New York we all thought had been replaced by investment banks and artisanal bakeries. He also shares album art for music he’s listening to at the time – from The War On Drugs To Morrissey – and shares his thoughts on it, so if you’re wondering what inspires a great musicians, head to Ryan’s Instagram account.
FKA Twigs (@fkatwigs)
You can rely on Twigs to accompany her wildly inventive, experimental R&B with killer artwork and she often ‘grams art produced by artists she admires, offering an insight into her inspiration. And, apparently, that inspiration is provided by an alien peering out from a compact mirror and close-up of a pierced flower (the sexual imagery of that last one is not lost on us). Her brilliantly weird music is starting to make more sense now.