HBO fantasy drama Game of Thrones returned to TV screens this week for its fourth season, which writer George RR Martin promises will plumb even darker depths of medieval sex, violence, depravity and despair. Critics have called it the most shocking show on TV but, as seasoned UK festival-goers will tell you, Westeros has NOTHING on the sordid scenes of monstrous debauchery routinely spotted at certain British weekenders. Here’s why King’s Landing hard man The Hound would basically last five minutes at V Festival or T In The Park before locking himself in a portaloo, sobbing into his armour.
“Winter is coming! Winter is coming!” YEAH, WE GET IT. Game of Thrones characters spend so much time banging on about how winter is coming that every episode feels like an extended BBC weather report, jazzed up with dragons and scantily-clad sword-slingers in a desperate grab for ratings by the Beeb. Now I’ve successfully Inception-ed the haunting image of Michael Fish in a leather loincloth into your brains, consider this – it’s ALWAYS winter at Brit festivals, such is our perenially shit weather.
Zombie ghouls who shuffle around menacingly in the dead of night – Game of Thrones has got them, and so do UK festivals. On Game of Thrones they’re called White Walkers. At Lovebox, they’re pilled-up 19-year-old biology students from Bristol named Clive who’ve been awake for 72 hours straight and really want to tell you about the “AMAZING EPIPHANY!” they had watching Rudimental.
Game of Thrones may have loads of beheadings, but wander around Reading or Leeds at 3am and you’ll find tons of people OFF their heads, which is pretty much the same thing. For all the lifeless bodies scattered across the site the next morning, it might as well have been the scene of an epic, blood-soaked battle. I’ve still got bruises from that time I inadvertently got caught in a Download mosh pit three years ago, clattered in the ribs by some guy who was basically Hodor in an American Head Charge hoody.
Right wing media scaremongers are constantly huffing and puffing about Game of Thrones’ generous portions of sex and nudity. Here’s hoping no one ever hands them a guest pass to T In The Park, where the nudity on display would surely cause their interal organs to combust, wreathing their bodies in flames like they’ve just been on the end of a savage barbecuing by Daenerys Targaryen’s dragons, such is their TOTAL moral indignation. Won’t someone think of the children?
Creepy dark arts!
In Game of Thrones, King of the Narrow Sea Stannis is seduced by an evil priestess into experimenting with dark Pagany rituals that see him turn into a shadow assassin and father a demon baby. Honest to god, I’ve seen weirder shit at Glastonbury’s Stone Circle at 4am.