Sir Alex Ferguson this week announced his decision to retire from football, ending his 27-year tenure as manager of Manchester United. For United chiefs, the question is now: how do you replace the most successful boss in the history of the sport? For us, the answer: with one of these rock star characters, plucked from the pages of NME, of course. Here are the musicians we think would kick it as coach of the Manchester club…
Sir Alex was a man famous for, all those trophies aside, somehow always stretching games into long periods of added time. ‘Fergie Time’, they called it. The man from Govan has a musician after his own heart in Robert Smith, whose last tour with the Cure saw them perform four-hour-long sets a night. That’s some serious Fergie Time, right there. But with his scraggly grey hair and glassy glaze of depression he looks a little more like a lifetime Scunthorpe supporter, so maybe doesn’t know enough about success to succeed the Scot.
Bobby Gillespie, Primal Scream
The last time United handed over power to a wily outspoken Glaswegian it worked out alright, so why not give Gillespie a go, Glazer brothers? The similarities between Ferguson and the Primal Scream man are almost eerie. They both like to keep things at a fast-tempo, possess a soul-shuddering scream (as anyone on the end of one of Fergie’s famous “hairdryer” dressing downs will tell you) and famously like to wind down with a nice inebriant – wine-loving sophisticate Ferguson a vintage shiraz, drug-gobbling Gillespie eight tabs of mescaline.
Snoop has football fashion down. In his recent documentary, he’s seen wearing replica shirts of Manchester United, Liverpool, AC Milan, Chelsea and Barcelona. Earlier this year, he pleaded with Celtic FC to be their mascot for a Champions League match, so you know his heart’s in it. Just imagine the change he’d bring to United – Phil Jones stumbling out sozzled from the Old Trafford changing room after one half-time gin and juice too many, Dre and hologram Tupac cheering from the stands, Snoop prowling the touch line with his pimp cane bellowing at Wayne Rooney to “watch the offside trapizzle, ma nizzle.”
Karen O, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Each season football supporters are bled out of more hard-earned cash by greedy Premier League clubs bringing out new strips, all essentially subtle variants on last season’s. Replace Ferguson with art-rock raconteur Karen O – never one to dress down, unless a hat made of cake and fireworks is the sort of thing you’d wear to your office’s Casual Friday – and she’d at least give fans a bit of value for their money by overseeing a fashion overhaul for the side. Sure, Nemenja Vidic looks hard now, but think about how scary he’d appear to advancing strikers in one of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs screamer’s cosmic leather studded scarecrow suits. Well ‘ard.
Fergie, Black Eyed Peas
What’s known in the business as a “like for like substitution”. Hey, at the very least maybe this way she’ll be too busy for another Black Eyed Peas record, right?
Who do you think should replace Alex Ferguson from the music world? Let us know in the comments below