R Kelly is releasing a Christmas album, and not just any Christmas album. The man who brought us ‘Sex Me (Part 1)’ and ‘Sex Me (Part 2)’ has promised there’s “gonna be a lot of lovemaking” on the future masterpiece and that he’ll “come bearing gifts”.
Called ‘The 12 Nights Of Christmas’, Robert’s already started work on the crescendo of festivity and erotica, but don’t get over-excited just yet. Apparently, according to the singer, it takes at least two Christmases to cook up an album of solid Xmas tunes so the album won’t be released until 2014. Until then, we’ve pulled together five saucy twists on festive tracks which we think should feature…
‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree’
R Kelly’s take on this Christmas party fave tells a saucy tale of how he rocked a lady’s world in various locations around a living room. First, the sofa. Then, the window sill. By the fireplace? This is R Kelly! No probs. In that weird dusty area behind the TV. Why not? So long as the Christmas tree is in sight, R Kelly is DTF.
‘(Not Such A) Silent Night’
In which R Kelly combines three of his passions – religion, sex and the VIP area – in this carol cum club classic. We’re talking a champagne-fuelled romp behind the red rope before a trip back to Robert’s city centre pad. He croons that he hopes the neighbours are watching ‘Love Actually’ on full volume because things are gonna get noisy and he lives in a converted warehouse with plasterboard walls and poor sound-proofing.
‘Oh, Come All Ye Faithful’
‘Oh, Come All Ye Faithful/Joyful And Triumphant’ begins R Kelly’s decadent celebration of monogamous sex. Robert regales us with tales of lovemaking, reminding us that he’d never ‘Marry The Pussy’ of a cheat. The track descends into sexy husky chat until a dance break and a cameo from Kelly Rowland singing: ‘O Come, Let Us Adore Him’.
’12 Lays Of Christmas’
A palette cleanser after the passion of ‘Oh, Come All Ye Faithful’, ’12 Lays Of Christmas’ gives us a glimpse at the highlights of the festive season for a single R&B megastar. Whether it’s a trip to Winter Wonderland and a ride on the big wheel or a little ‘Bump’n’Grind’ at a Christmas Market, R Kelly demonstrates how to woo a different girl on every day of the holidays.
‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’
Comparing the excitement of Christmas Day with the joy of post-coital afterglow, ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’ is the climax of an album of teasing sensuality and decadent baubles. A sing-a-long anthem of ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ proportions, it would start with backing vocals from Mariah, Susan, Cliff and Bob Geldof, with the former X Factor winners on percussion. Next, R Kelly would prove his relevance with a drum’n’bass drop, before a key change and surprise appearances from the Coca Cola Choir, post-humous Frank Sinatra and Will Ferrell dressed as’ Elf’. Then silence, until a final passionate ‘Merry Christmas one and all’ spoken solemnly by Michael Jordan.