‘Smell my cheese!’ – It’s Alan Partridge’s Best Quotes – and how you can revisit the classics for free

Cook a cat! Alan Partridge just doesn’t die. The hapless TV and radio presenter, a man with no social skills whose entire job relies on having good social skills, remains ever popular 25 years since he sprang out of Norwich.

And now he’s back, having promised to return as ‘the voice of Brexit’ in a new series on the BBC next year; but if you, like us, can’t wait until 2018 to get your fix of legendary presenter, NOW TV have got you sorted. Whether you’re new to the wonderful world of Partridge, or want to catch up on the old classics, NOW TV are offering a free two-week trial, where you can indulge in all the Partridge you could ever want. As long as you’ve not been a NOW TV subscriber in the past, you can binge Mid Morning Matters and enjoy I’m Alan Partridge for the next fortnight. Back of the net.

Partridge, created and played by Steve Coogan, first graced popular culture via the 1991 radio show On The Hour, before being awarded his own pseudo-chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You in 1994. He’s not left the screen for long since, even starring in feature-length movie Alpha Papa in 2013. Sky broadcast his further adventures Mid Morning Matters and Alan Partridge’s Scissored Isles (also available on NOW TV) earlier this year.

And what’s the key to his enduring appeal? Partly it’s because the man is eminently, hilariously quotable. Can’t wait to get home and watch on NOW TV? Here are 20 of his finest quotes to tide you over:

When he summed up our general feelings about wine

“All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.”

When he totally missed the point of that U2 song

“‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it? You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think ‘Sunday, bloody Sunday!'”

When he got modern approaches to religious tolerance a bit wrong

“Never, never criticise Muslims. Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.”

When he got a bit vulgar about his girlfriend, Sonja

“I’m 47; my girlfriend’s 33. she’s 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!”

When he found a new angle on an infamous human tragedy

“Let me tell you something about the Titanic: people forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg.”

When he shared an absolute rib tickler

“Quick tip for yourself: if you’re ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say “My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I’m late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said ‘I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.’ Straight away you’ve got them by the jaffas.”

When he insulted every farmer on the planet

“If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.”

When he talked dirty

“I’m gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dog… would hump ya.”

When he named his favourite Beatles album

“Tough one! I think I’d have to say… ‘The Best Of The Beatles’.”

When he pitched the greatest TV show never made

Inner-city Sumo With Alan Partridge. We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park.

When he pitched a naff TV show that was later made real by Channel 4 and Gordon Ramsay

Cooking In Prison!

When he summed up his feelings about his PA

“Lynn’s a good worker, but I suppose she’s a bit like Burt Reynolds. Very reliable, but she’s got a moustache.”

When he put his foot down

“Lynn, get rid of her. She’s a drunk racist. I’ll tolerate one, but not both.”

When he appraised his new bathroom

“You know what this room says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint, which again, to me, is a bonus.”

When he reflected on the capital of the UK

“Go to London, I guarantee you’ll either be mugged or not appreciated. Catch the train to London, stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.”

When he said what we’re all thinking about his face

“My face was designed as a leisure accessory.”

When he missed the point of that Joni Mitchell song

“That was ‘Big Yellow Taxi’ by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains they ‘Paved paradise to put up a parking lot’, a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.”

When he appraised the art on display at his Travel Tavern

“There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.”

When he extolled the virtues of a caravan toilet

“This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let’s take a look… not a trace! Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.”

When he gave this response to being sacked

“Smell my cheese!”