The most batshit song names on the new Arctic Monkeys album, ranked

What the track names on ‘Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino’ really mean, according to us

It’s the longest we’ve ever had to wait for an Arctic Monkeys album – well, apart from the millions of years of history from the Big Bang to the release of ‘Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not’ – but finally, after five years, album number six almost here. Say hello to your new little brother, ‘Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino’, which is booked in for a May 11 delivery.

Ahead of the release of the first song from the record, the only solid information we have so far is a highly intriguing playlist, made up of a selection of increasingly bizarrely named tracks. Here they are, in order of batshit craziness.

‘The Ultracheese’

Gouda. No, Manchego. No, fuck, a nice bit of very ripe Brie. Damn, wait – maybe it’s just a really, really decent cheddar? Hopefully this, the closing track of the new Monkeys album, will answer the Big Question; just what is the Ultra Cheese?

‘The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip’

Alex Turner and gang have been living out in Los Angeles for the past few years, where going to watch monster trucks ploughing the shit out of each other passes for entertainment. We imagine this is something to do with that.

‘Golden Trunks’

What Alex Turner wears to the community swimming pool, we reckon.

‘American Sports’

All American Sports are basically the same. Apart from the monster truck rallys. After spending a fair bit of time out there, Arctic Monkeys know this to be true, hence lumping them all in together in the one song.

‘Batphone’

This is what Alex Turner uses to call up the other members of the band and order them into the studio. It should be the Monkeyphone really, but that doesn’t sound quite as cool.

‘Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino’

Somewhere between Sheffield and Las Vegas sits the Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino. The Bloody Marys are served with lashings and lashings of Henderson’s Relish and there’s a lifesize replica of the Boardwalk venue with a giant rollercoaster going through the middle of it. Dreamy.

‘She Looks Like Fun’

Resolutely not about Alexa Chung.

‘Science Fiction’

Matt Helders’ favourite genre of film. He particularly likes anything featuring the early special effects of Ray Harryhausen. Probably.

‘Four Out Of Five’

A coded reference to the ‘missing Monkey’ and the guilt that the remaining members carry with them since Andy Nicholson left the band in 2006.

‘One Point Perspective’

Harking back to GCSE art, Alex Turner is letting the listener know the best way to add a 3D feel to their sketches. He’s not just a rock star guys, he’s a teacher.

‘Star Treatment’

This one isn’t very batshit at all, so we have no comment. As you were.