If you thought Witch House and New Rave were silly soubriquets, or enjoy ripping into NME for making up wacky genres (we stand by some of them, although perhaps not Best Midlands or former Radar guy Jaimie Hodgson’s BBQ Dub and Showtune Dubstep), then wrap your ears round some of these. In honour of Kesha’s groundbreaking Cock Pop scene (we’ve already added Iglu & Hartly and Robbie Williams to our playlists), here’s ten more ludicrous genres that sound made up but actually lay claim to some devotees.

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[subhead]Illbient[/subhead]
If you’ve ever caught yourself drifting away to the likes of Teargas & Plateglass or Serbian Mate (and let’s face it, who hasn’t?), you’ve been enjoying the fruits of the seminal Illbient movement, a hybrid of ambient, dubby sensibilities and hip hop samples (hence the “ill”). Ambient for sick people, in other words. Brought to the world at large by Wire magazine, as was its rip-roaring cousin, Isolationism.

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[subhead]Lowercase[/subhead]
Another ambient offshoot, this one centres around really quiet sounds enconsed in long periods of silence. What, you think that sounds boring?? You need to check out Steve Roden’s gripping masterpiece ‘Forms Of Paper’, a 2001 album created from the distorted sounds of paper being handled. This excerpt (because the full track would blow your tiny minds) was on repeat at the Hollywood branch of the Los Angeles public library for a month, not to mention round our house for weeks.

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[subhead]Nintendocore[/subhead]
AKA what parents in the early 90s heard when their son and daughter were trying to drown each other out with second rate speed metal and the early Zelda levels on repeat. Here’s a round-up of ten of the best. But before you say, “no Preschool Tea Party Massacre? What......the.....fuck”, someone already did.
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[subhead]IDM[/subhead]
It may not be niche, but it’s pretty stupid. Who actually admits to being into Intelligent Dance Music?

[subhead]Nerdcore Hip Hop[/subhead]
Less a genre per se than a celebration of the versatility of the rap art form, Nerdcore Hip Hop reappropriates the hip hop vernacular for new purposes and subverts traditional notions of the genre. In other words, tubby geeks spitting awkward lyrics about Yoda and Warcraft. See also *sighs*: Geeksta Rap. Need further clarification? Then watch this documentary, featuring someone rapping “Here’s a story I’ve got to tell, about four young Hobbits…” over the Beastie Boys’ ‘Sabotage’.

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[subhead]Funeral Doom[/subhead]
Are you one of those guys that sits listening to the doom metal of Eyehategod or Acid Bath and wishes they were a bit more depressing? Well steer clear of the bloody Epic Doom then, that stuff’s way too cheery. Opt instead for some Funeral Doom, perhaps as produced by Norway’s Funeral. Their laff-a-minute debut ‘Tragedies’ offers this perky nugget, 'Demise':

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[subhead]Viking Metal[/subhead]
Now this is just getting stupid. Someone actually branched away from the Satanic black metal fraternity and wrote some tunes based on Norse mythology, and people took it seriously? And a whole genre sprung up? Whatever next, Pirate Metal?

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[subhead]Pirate Metal[/subhead]
Sadly, yes. This album – which sounds like Lemmy jamming with the out-of-work actors at the National Maritime Museum – has sold 1.6 million worldwide.

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[subhead]Danger Music[/subhead]
An offshoot of avant garde that encompasses any piece of music or performance that puts the recipient in danger. Think cochlea-shattering volumes, life-threatening performance art or frequencies that attempt to hit the ‘brown note’ (and the less said about that the better). You know, this kind of Sunday afternoon listening.

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[subhead]Pornogrind[/subhead]
We’re getting more and more niche here. In fact, I think this entire “genre” might just be a bloke called Keith making records on Ableton in a dingy grotto under the stairs of a semi in Sutton Coldfield. However, it does exist. And with Mother’s Day on the horizon, why not gift her Cock And Ball Torture’s ‘Poontang Clan’ on iTunes?

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There’s plenty more where these came from (but life really is too short so you’ll need to investigate them yourselves), from Bitpop to Spacesynth, Furniture Music, Cuddlecore, Crunkcore, Schranz, Enchilada Soul, Subwoofer Doorstep and JCB Trance.

OK, we made the last three of those up. Add your own below, and share your favourite ideas for new genres.

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