This is Evan Taubenfeld. You're unlikely to have heard of him, but he's co-written some of the finest pop songs of the 21st century.
Taubenfeld has been Avril Lavigne's co-writer since she started and has helped take her to global success. Then they've fallen out several times, then reconciled, but now, at the age of 27, being behind the scenes isn't enough for Evan and he's going it alone. Thing is, it really sucks.
His new single 'Starbucks Girl' is so sappy Nicholas Sparks would probably think it was too much. It's also auto-tuned to within an inch of its life and has been drawing comparisons with Rebecca Black's Friday, not something to be proud of.
Also, the video is terrible. As if you needed reminding of the horrible product placement-meets-Selena Gomez/Justin Bieber romance of the whole thing, the promo just makes it worse. As well as looking like it was shot on a mobile phone camera from 2003, the aching literal take on the song is actually painful to watch.
So, in tribute to Evan's horrible new promo, here are my five worst pop videos of all time.
Lionel Richie – Hello
Lionel's ludicrously expensive 1984 video has him playing a performing arts teacher attempting to seduce a blind student. But the cringeworthy poses, random shots of Richie appearing out of nowhere and frankly bizarre end sculpting/face touching sequence make for an unintentionally hilarious and very very bad video.
Five – Slam Dunk Da Funk
Appearing to have been filmed in about 15 minutes in the corridor of a tower block and then on a basketball court (see what they did there?), the debut video by the well 'ard boyband set the tone for the rest of their pretty laughable career. Gurning encouraged.
Basshunter – Angel In The Night
The Swedish DJ decided that the standard, lots-of-girls-dancing-around-wearing-not-much-in-somewhere-exotic wasn't good for him and he wanted to create a music video soap opera. There have been six instalments so far, all starring the former porn actress Aylar Lie.
This is the middle one and it makes absolutely no sense. Here's how I imagine the pitch meeting for the promo went:
Record label person: Did you have any thoughts on the next video? We were thinking two in a series might be enough. How about you playing at a club? Something pretty standard. Did you have any thoughts?
Basshunter: I did actually. We keep the series going.
Record label person: Oh no.
Basshunter: Instead of just me playing, I was thinking more I'd meet the totally hot chick from the other videos in a restaurant and give her a ticket to the race I'm driving in.
Record label person: What race?
Basshunter: Stay with me. She then turns up and starts the race.
Record label person: So the girl who didn't have a ticket, is now starting the race?
Basshunter: Shush. Anyway, she knows the other drivers and I'm looking all angry about that.
Record label person: Couldn't they have got her a ticket?
Basshunter: Quiet. I then win the race and we all have a massive party, and I sing, and I look awesome, and then I get her at the end.
Record label person: And you're DJing at your own afterparty?
Basshunter: Stop getting bogged down in the detail man.
Brian McFadden – Like Only A Woman Can
Having your credibility plunge after you leave Westlife might seem impossible, but Brian McFadden has somehow pulled it off. This particular video is mostly a suitably moody close up of the goon, but then cuts with him wandering round a deserted city, trying to find a woman whose face we never see. Presumably because it would be cheaper not to have to pay the actress's image rights…
Jennifer Lopez – Jenny From The Block
What do you do when you've just made a track telling everyone about how success hasn't changed you? Well, if you're Jennifer Lopez, you make a very expensive video telling the world all about your relationship with a world famous actor, being chased by those dastardly photographers and buying expensive stuff. It's as naff as they come.
What do you think? Seen any promos naffer than these five?