Here’s Everything That Would Need to Happen Before Oasis Will Reunite

Noel Gallagher of Oasis fame has spent the last few years, since the band’s dissolution in 2009, teasing us about the possibility of a reunion. He’s a little tinker, that Noel, always teasing, always tinkering about with our expectations, always refusing to rule of the possibility of a reunion. When he, or occasionally Liam, suggests they might get the old band back together, it’s usually with some kind of caveat. Here are 10 things that would have to happen before Oasis go let it out once more.

NOEL WOULD NEED TO BE OFFERED £20 MILLION

Yes, this is the news that Noel has put a price on a reunion. Speaking to The Daily Star, he said he’d do it “for 20 million quid, one gig”. He added: “That is good money isn’t it? But I have never had that offer from anyone yet.” Curiously, there were reports in December 2013 that he had turned down just that amount for an Oasis world tour. Either way, let’s get that Kickstarter up and running.

BETTER MAKE THAT A QUARTER OF A BILLION

Speaking to Chris Moyles on Radio X last year, Noel revealed: “I would think probably not in the very near future. One should never say never, should one look like a bit of an idiot somewhere down the road, when you’re waving a cheque for a quarter of a billion in The Sun.”

ACTUALLY BETTER MAKE THAT HALF A BILLION

Noel enjoyed a Dr Evil moment during an interview with Vulture back in February, upping his price one more. Asked for his price for a reunion, he said: “Half a billion… If someone puts that on the table, I’ll pack my bags in the morning and say, ‘How many gigs do you want?’.”

MICHAEL EAVIS WILL NEED TO GET THE CHEQUEBOOK OUT

Noel told The Daily Star last year: “I don’t know where the rumours keep coming from about Glastonbury. Would we ever do it? They don’t have enough money, I’m afraid. That’s the bottom line: they just don’t pay enough”

OASIS WILL NEED TO HAVE HAIR

The band’s hairlines will be a key factor in any decision to reform, according to Noel, who in April last year said to The Mirror : “Would we get back together one day? As long as everybody is still alive and still has their hair, it’s always a possibility.” Guess that excludes Bonhead. Gallagher also added: “But only for the money.” Always the money with you, Noel.”

THE STARS WILL NEED TO ALIGN

In a barnstorming interview with Esquire last year, Noel explained that the Zodiac will need to align in Oasis’ favour before a reunion can happen: “Ten years from now, if I wake up one morning and go: ‘You know what? I think I’m going to do it’, I can guarantee you, just for spite, Liam would say, ‘Oh, no, I’m not keen. Because that’s the way shit works.”

LIAM WILL NEED TO COME OUT OF ‘RETIREMENT’

The frontman is retired now, allegedly. The Sun claimed in 2015 that he said: “I am retired now. I can write 25 songs but all of them will be shit.” He later tweeted:

THE GALLAGHERS WILL HAVE TO GET SKINT

A financial theme has emerged here. In 2012 Noel appeared on Alan Carr: Chatty Man and out it bluntly: “It would take Liam or myself to be very skint.” Which seems unlikely.

NOEL WOULD NEED TO EXPERIENCE UNCHARACTERISTIC LEVELS OF SELF DOUBT

Speaking to NME in 2011, Liam said: “[Noel is] the one that keeps mentioning [a reunion]. I want to put him out of his misery. But I think he needs to do his solo thing first and realise he’s not that good without his brother. He’s got to find out for himself.” Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds’ second album Chasing Yesterday was the best-selling vinyl record of 2015, so don’t hold your breath, readers.