This week, my very first boyfriend requested me on Facebook and the calm tingling of quiet victory came over me. After all these years, I had won. Did he think I’d just ‘forget’ about how he dumped me to play Lego with Natasha? This man’s virtual handshake will hang in the balance of Facebook notification purgatory for as long as I can hold a grudge, which is forever. Know this, friends: My LongGame is a StrongGame. I am not adding him. Some might call me stubborn or petty (borderline psychopathic would be too far) but this is exactly the kind of commitment that has always inspired me. I think commitment is inextricably linked with success, and rightly or wrongly, people with a fierce commitment to their goals – the Kanyes of this world – are really entertaining.
Examples in hip-hop: 50 Cent showed a great deal of commitment to his lyrical battle with Rick Ross when he released a sex tape featuring the mother of Ross’ child. 50 was court-ordered to pay the woman five million dollars in damages and has coincidentally filed for bankruptcy instead. He’ll get away with it too, because apparently “bitch” really “can’t get a dollar out of me”. That’s one committed prick.
Original gangster rapper, Ice-T is expecting a baby with the incredible Nicole ‘Coco’ Austin, a strong candidate for the best cartoon hip-hop wife in the world, ever. Famous in her own right as a fitness model and entrepreneur, Coco wakes up early every morning to immediately clean and organise her husband’s entire life. While squatting. In heels. Her bottom is bigger and better than a whole extended family of objectified Kardashian ass, and this lady works for it. Coco looks like she could actually take a bullet and live! Making the most of that rump is her full-time job, and it’s her impressive level of commitment to it that’s earned her the promotion to ‘womb’. In a recent interview, Coco credited the success of her 13-year marriage to submissiveness, stating, “I am a slave to him.” Not a modern day suffragette then, but you’ve got to at least respect her unwavering enthusiasm.
The representation of women in hip-hop has long been so flagrantly unkind. The ‘90s saw the meteoric rise of ‘The VideHo’, a decorative gal whose purpose is to simulate intercourse with the air around her (or indeed with the hood of a car or a swimming pool or some gravel) while the male artist calls her a bunch of rude words that mostly rhyme. The undisputed leader, the ubiquitous VideHo of her generation is Karrine Steffans. I highly recommend reading the book Confessions Of A Video Vixen. In it, Karrine candidly details her history of abuse, relationships with famous rappers, married men, and the time she sucked off a rapper for more airtime in one of his music videos. It is, in my opinion, one of the most underrated and entertaining pieces of literature available today.
Here’s what Karrine had to say about some penises:
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Will Smith – long
Puff Daddy – medium
Nas – small
Snoop Dogg – too long
50 Cent – medium/long
Kanye – big but he can’t f**k
Wyclef – long but his breath stinks
Jay Z – Real thick and juicy but difficult to look at when he’s on top
Look, I’m not saying it’s right. But I sort of love that Karrine trolled her own industry. I feel as though nobody else tells that story. Hip-hop is a layered and complex movement, and it’s important that there’s a voice from her angle. There’s even a chapter about Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Now that’s commitment. As Karrine herself says, “May his big ol’ dick rest in peace.”