The Sun reported the other day that Twilight dreamboat Robert Pattinson had been lined up to play Kurt Cobain in a forthcoming biopic.
Surprise, surprise – it’s not actually true – but the rumour gained momentum because, given the idiosyncratic manner in which Cobain’s image/estate has been managed in recent years, it didn’t actually sound all that far-fetched.
After all, if a Cobain avatar can crop up in Guitar Hero 5 rocking out to ‘You Give Love A Bad Name’, what else might the poor guy’s name be put to? It’s surely only a matter of time before some bright spark tries to flog you Nirvana-branded flowers for Mother’s Day (“They’re In Bloom!”), or ‘Territorial Pissings’ turns up on an ad for Tena Lady.
Even so, the standard response to Pattinson supposedly getting the role was – rightly – one of volcanic rage. Can you imagine? He might be the world’s hottest actor right now, but in terms of charisma he’s a blank space, an odourless kitten trump, a water biscuit. You might as well get a duvet cover with eyeholes to play Cobain, for all the intensity and nuance R-Patz would bring to the role.
Sure, teenage girls think he’s sexy, but what do they know? Teenagers like the music of 30 Seconds To Mars; that doesn’t mean it’s not still billowing prog-rock guff. Put teenage girls in charge of Hollywood casting and Pete Wentz would land every lead role going – including Precious (which would admittedly be quite funny).
But if not R-Patz, who should play Kurt Cobain? Obviously, I’ve got a few suggestions – feel free to add your own.
He’s already made a tidy living out of impersonating Kurt, why not take it to the next level?
AKA Ian Beale from Eastenders. OK, he’s no-one’s idea of a rock god, but he looks grumpy pretty much the whole time: I reckon he’d do a mean version of ‘Rape Me’.
Andrew Stone from Pineapple Dance Studios
Come on, who wouldn’t wanna watch that? Plus, he’s got the hair for it.
He’s got that husky-voiced thing down.
Bloke from the Go Compare adverts
Got a pair of lungs on him, that lad.