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If Supermarkets Did Rock Festivals

By Ailbhe Malone

Posted on 02 Mar 12

 
 

Morrisson’s have announced they’ll be hosting their first ever music festival. Titled ‘MFest’, it’ll be held in July at Harwood House, Leeds. Playing will be Matt Cardle, Cher Lloyd, Bob Geldof and the Human League. There’ll also be cookery demonstrations. We’re not sure who decided that this was a good idea, but it lead us to think about what other supermarket’s festivals might be like.

Cher



Marks And Spencer

    Think:
Gentle, clean and literary. Great catering. This isn’t just a music festival; it’s a Marks and Spencers music festival etc. No camping- there’ll be B’n’B’s on site. Free lawn chairs and blankets for whoever wants them- you won’t have to stand cold in a muddy field while you’re waiting for the headliner to come on.
    Line-Up:
Rufus Wainwright, Arcade Fire and Lana del Ray.

RW


Waitrose

    Think:
Ethically sound, politically active. Heston’s in charge of the food and he’s done a hog roast (with dry ice mushrooms for vegetarians) In the comedy tent, Stewart Lee regales punters with anecdotes about carbon footprints and David Cameron. You can camp if you like, but there’s also the option of staying in a yurt with a solar-powered kettle.
    Line-Up:
Radiohead, Bombay Bicycle Club with a guest spot from Robyn.

RW


Tesco

    Think:
The most popular choice, but committed to getting as much for free as possible. You can charge your phone on site but they’ll charge you a fiver to do so, and it’s not their fault if it gets nicked. The food and drink available is uninspiring, but utterly fine. In the lead up to the festival, you can collect points to access a priority area side of stage, but the scheme is structured so that nobody ever gets further than the bouncers.
    Line-Up:
Kings of Leon, Olly Murs and Jessie J.

RW


Asda

    Think:
Cheap and cheerful. Due to its being owned by Wal-Mark in the US, there’s a large American bent- so it’s burgers, hot dogs and Bud Light. There’s no luxury camping but there’ll be tents on sale for a tenner if anyone’s forgotten theirs. The quality of the tents won’t stand a blustery night- but you can always buy a new one in the morning.
    Line-Up:
Kasabian, Diana Vickers and Rizzle Kicks.

RW


Iceland

    Think:
Disappointing, but never pretends to be something it’s not. Realistically, this is just the bandstand in the local park with some fairy lights chucked on to it.
    Line-Up:
Stacey Solomon, Kerry Katona.

RW

 
 
 
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