That annual parade of European kitsch The Eurovision Song Contest takes place this Saturday (May 14) and two songs seem to be gaining the most attention; 'I Can' by Blue and 'Lipstick' by Jedward.
'Which one is better?' I hear you cry. Well that's sort of like asking: which is a better way to die, being slowly pecked to death by a lone, scabby pigeon or getting your skin sliced off with a blunt butter knife? Still we ventured forth to find out...
The video suggests a massive slashing of budgets (there is a rather large possibility it was shot on one of twin's flip phones on the crumbling set of Noel’s House Party) and a definite correlation between the largeness of the duo's quiffs, the amount of pouts they do per scene, and their shrinking popularity.
So the joke's not funny anymore, but is the song any good?
Well, frankly, it stinks.
The backing track struts with cheap Casio confidence as the Brothers Grimes spout utterly illogical lyrics (“You’re spending money like you’re on death row””). Yes it sounds very ‘European’, but then so did Mussolini.
Next up is Blue’s ‘I Can’.
Their video is almost as frightening as Jedward's. The four piece look like they’ve been replaced by steroid-munching wax works who have been forced to find some sort of sartorial redemption in their local branch of ‘River Island’. We must ask the question; what year is this? There’s an actual scene which involves dancing in the fake rain! There’s countless shots of smelling-the-fart emoting! 2002 called, they want their video back.
The song itself is pretty pop-by-rote. They’ve gone for some fist pumping, self help lyrics (”I can…get back up again”) and it all sounds not unlike the theme from Going For Gold . Which, as the older amongst you will remember was a game show which involved contestants from different European countries competing against each other. Currying favour, Blue?
Both songs are pretty rotten but ‘I Can’ wins because... it's not 'Lipstick'. In fact, we predict a decent placing for Blue on the night. Why? A combination of post-royal wedding good will and the fact Blue were 'big in Europe' back in the day.
More on Blue.