In response to Trump’s success in the primaries, Google noticed a spike in browser searches for ‘How to move to Canada’. The losing side has threatened to do so before. They did it for Bush, Reagan and halfway through WrestleMania 12. It’s petulant, isn’t it? It’s the political equivalent of marching upstairs to your room and slamming the door. “Screw this family; I’m going to CANADA.” Like you’ll even be sheltered there. Firstly, we have bears. Secondly, make no mistake, we are ALL going down if Trump makes it to the White House.

You think people were safe from Hitler so long as they didn’t live in Germany? You think Trump cares if you leave? He wants power, not prosperity. ‘Oh, all my naysayers have gone and now I’m left with just the racists and idiots. How will I possibly be re-elected in 2020?!’

It’s hilarious that a lot of them don’t even realise they would have to actually qualify to move. They assume Canada’s immigration policy is the opposite to their own. Like we’re just sat up in our sloppy second igloos, waiting for the high-school hunk to ask us to prom. It’s hard to be Canadian.

We have to speak two languages while most Americans can’t even manage one. And I’m sorry, but we’re too busy taking in refugees to be, um, taking in refugees. Does Trump’s plan to ‘Make America Great Again’ involve making refugees of its own citizens? I guess without any liberals, there’ll be lots of job vacancies in graphic design and skateboarding.

Maybe we should copy Trump’s plan and build a wall. I’ve heard Americans are less physically fit than Mexicans, so the wall wouldn’t even need to be very high. A speed bump should do it. It’ll be harder to smuggle any over because they love telling you where they’re from. At border control, you’d hear a very proud but muffled ‘Texas!’ from the boot of the vehicle. Busted, cowboy.

As a moderately proud Canadian, I was asked by BBC World News to speak on the issue last week. My father warned me: “Be careful what you say. Trump’s a bully. His supporters are nuts and they have guns.” More dangerously, he wants to limit the freedom of the press, punishing anyone who dares speak against him. For me, this neatly sums up why we cannot have this tyrant in office. My boyfriend is American. He wisely cosied up to me as soon as Trump announced he was running and this perilous situation could put a ring on my finger, so thanks, you bigoted monster.

But people are panic-stricken no matter where they are. I’m Canadian. I’m white. I cannot begin to imagine how terrifying this is for those who aren’t.