R. Kelly’s famous “hip-hopera” saga Trapped In The Closet will return this week after a five-year hiatus. As fans gear up for more sex, lies and midget strippers, here’s a run-down of the online video series’ most batshit insane moments to date.
Trapped in the closet!
Best line: “He opens the dresser / I pull out my Berretta!”
WTF moment: Kelly’s character Sylvester hides in the closet after discovering the woman he woke up with is married and her husband is coming up the stairs. Unfortunately, he’s given away by his mobile ringing in his pocket, prompting the immortal falsetto, “I tried my best to quickly put it on… VI-III-III-BRAAATE”.
Best line: “I closed my mouth and swallowed spit / and I’m thinking to myself, ‘This is some deep shit!’”
WTF moment: Thought being a man of God meant not having homosexual affairs with men called Chuck? Think again. Pastor Rufus, devastated to discover his wife’s extra-marital dalliance with Sylvester, reveals the shocking truth while R. Kelly looks on in total confusion like a drugged baby seal.
Best line: “The next thing ya know, she starts going real wild / and starts screaming my name / then I said baby, we must slow down / before I bust a vessel in my brain.”
WTF moment: So intense is his sex with partner Gwendolyn (“And that’s when I start going crazy, like I was trying to give her a baby,” Kelly sings), Sylvester must stop
before his brain explodes. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Best line: “Twan opened the door and it’s Rosie the nosy neighbour… / Ooh, with a spatula in her hand / Like that’s gon do something against them guns…”
WTF moment: Gwendolyn’s ex-con brother Twan has been accidentally shot, prompting next-door neighbour Rosie to rush round with a spatula. Twan sticks on a plaster on the gaping gunshot wound on his arm and sits down for a friendly game of cards with Sylvester and his sister. As you do.
Best line: “What I’m about to tell you is so damn twisted / not only is a man in the cabinet / but the man is a midget… [echoes] midget… midget…”
WTF moment: Policeman James [Michael K. Williams, Omar from The Wire] returns home to discover that his wife has been cheating on him with a philandering asthmatic midget stripper dressed like Prince in ‘Purple Rain’. Hiding under his kitchen sink, the midget then shits himself – a storyline the creators of The Wire strangely overlooked.
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Best line: “Tina starts wobbling around Sylvester real slow saying, ‘We take Tae-Bo classes’ / then Twan runs up in the place and says, ‘I will kill both of y’all knucklehead asses’”
WTF moment: Diner owner Roxanne and prostitute Tina reveal themselves to be karate masters (although they then start smashing beer bottles to use as weapons, which don’t remember from the teachings of Mr. Miyagi) before later announcing they’re a lesbian couple. Obviously.
Best line: “Well, well, well, if it ain’t Laverne and Shirley…”
WTF moment: Oddball folk troubadour Will Oldham – best known as Bonnie “Prince” Billy – cameos as a cop called Sgt. Platoon carrying out a drug bust. Those hoping this brief collaboration would evolve into a long-running Oldham-Kelly musical partnership are still sadly in waiting. One day…
Best line: “Then Pimp Lucious says… ‘I, ah… I ain’t goin’ ever stop p-p-p-p-p… pimpin / P-p-p-pimpin for life…’”
WTF moment: Pimp Lucious, a sharp-suited sex trafficker with a speech impediment (think Elmer Fudd with a pimp cane) is serenaded by a church choir in an attempt to convince him to change his ways. He isn’t convinced.
Best line: “Sylvester, I’m not about to sit here and take this shit from the blob father!”
WTF moment: Twan trades insults with Italian mob boss Joey over a plate of spag bol, because why not? Joey wins the sparring battle though with ice cold put-downs including “LL Fool J!” and, “Mama said knock you out… the fuck outta here!”
Best line: “Cathy what the hell is going on, and what’s up with this rumour I’m hearing about some fucking package?”
WTF moment: Things come full circle as it becomes apparent that basically all the characters now have AIDS, referred to as “the big package”. No, really. You couldn’t make it up. Unless you’re R. Kelly, of course. In which case, any and everything is possible. Roll on the next 20 chapters…