As the world’s bloggers and music critics fling around hastily-arrived-at opinions on Radiohead’s new album ‘The King Of Limbs’, the truly important issue of the day has been overlooked – namely, just how does Thom ‘Crazy Legs’ Yorke pull off those liquid-limbed dance moves in the ‘Lotus Flower’ video?
Naturally people in living rooms and indie discos across the nation will be itching to imitate said moves this weekend. But, please, a word of warning: these are advanced techniques and should under no circumstances be attempted until you’ve read the following step-by-step instructions.
1. The Abracadabra
A basic manoeuvre to start off with. Imagine you’re a stage magician performing a fiendishly mystifying illusion. Think: David Copperfield.
2. The Yoga Instructor
You’ll need to be limber to pull this one off. Pro tip: imagine you’re bending backwards over a space hopper. Remember to ‘gun point’ your fingers for the full effect.
3. The Wind Tunnel
Also known as ‘the Marcel Marceau’, this theatrical move is for trained mime professionals only.
4. The Electric Eel
The trick here is to vibrate all four limbs as fast as possible in the manner of a Capuchin monkey break-dancing across an electrified cattle-grid.
5. The Artful Dodger
Try to channel the spirit of a Victorian street urchin/chimney-sweep/shoe shine boy. “Penny for your thoughts, guv’nor?” etc.
6. The Albert Steptoe
An advanced move, this, but try to summon the grizzled persona of a retired rag-and-bone man slowly making his way through a carrier bag full of Tennent’s Super while barricaded inside an abandoned cricket pavilion.
7. The Cricket Catch
This one’s all in the mind: imagine you’re gazing upon a golden orb with magical properties. Alternatively, make like you’re trying to prise apart two bits of bread that have been in the freezer and got stuck together.
8. The Drip Dry
A subtle action: it’s like you’ve just done the washing up but there’s no tea towel so you have to flick the water off.
Then squat down and clap, as though trying to expel demonic spirits through your trouser seat.
9. The Thinker
All the pain and wisdom in the world exists behind your eyelids. No-one has ever felt mankind’s sorrow as deeply as this, except for possibly Michael Stipe in the ‘Losing My Religion’ video.
The Drunken Dad
Now go all out for the finale: imagine it’s a wedding, you’re 52 years old, blitzed on lager and Drambuie, and the DJ’s just dropped ‘Hi Ho Silver Lining’.