Well this is an exercise in how you get a video totally wrong. Rihanna, no doubt aiming to emulate the success of Gaga and the rest of pop’s most shameless and cynical acts, has jam-packed her new video for ‘S&M’ with all manner of grotesque, unerotic and downright banal images in a titanically pathetic attempt to Go Viral.

Cling film, Daily Mail headlines, and Perez Hilton pissing on a lamppost flash by in a series of increasingly disturbing scenes. There’s pink popcorn (what’s sadomasochistic about popcorn?), there’s a cameo from Ronald McDonald, there’s Rihanna disguised as Daphne or Celeste in a Mr Blobby jumpsuit and trussed up like a Tory politician. Then, there she is, deep throating a banana, sucking off a strawberry, and tonguing an icecream with jewellry in it before staring, vacant-eyed at the camera with an aciiiid house face eye patch. Depressing.

Chubby, pale, diseased housewives from Bangor have being doing their bit on niche TV channels to make S&M feel less sexy than it actually is for decades, but Rihanna just trumped them all in one fell swoop. S&M? Only if it means sausage and mash for us please. Also, Rihanna, music journalists don’t make notes on lined paper with gimp balls in their mouths. They use their phones.