LL Cool J will be the polar opposite of Ricky Gervais. Kendrick Lamar will steal the show. The Ellie Goulding and Andra Day collaboration will be knuckle-chewingly bad, Kanye West will somehow make it all about him and Wolf Alice will neck every drink that isn’t glued down, and probably a few that are. Tonight’s Grammys will be the usual slick parade of millionaires lining up to have a year’s worth of smoke funneled firmly up their sphincters, plus a monumentally pissed Wolf Alice. But who will win? Here’s our predictions:

Album Of The Year

Nominations:

Sound & Color – Alabama Shakes
To Pimp A Butterfly – Kendrick Lamar
Traveller – Chris Stapleton
1989 – Taylor Swift
Beauty Behind The Madness – The Weeknd

Our tip: With a grand total of eleven nominations and having topped countless Album Of The Year polls at the end of 2015, this one’s surely in the bag for Kendrick. Indeed, chances are Kendrick will be going home with everything bar the Best Contemporary Christian Music Album award.

Record Of The Year

Nominations:

“Really Love” — D’Angelo And The Vanguard
“Uptown Funk” — Mark Ronson Featuring Bruno Mars
“Thinking Out Loud” — Ed Sheeran
“Blank Space” — Taylor Swift
“Can’t Feel My Face” — The Weeknd

Our tip: If the voting is based on sheer ubiquity, it’s gotta be Ronson and Mars, whose ‘Uptown Funk’ made the Superbowl show, sold several thousand Nissans and, crucially in the bid to bag these high profile awards, has been covered by Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Song Of The Year

Nominations:

“Alright” — Kendrick Duckworth, Mark Anthony Spears & Pharrell Williams, songwriters (Kendrick Lamar)
“Blank Space” — Max Martin, Shellback & Taylor Swift, songwriters (Taylor Swift)
“Girl Crush” — Hillary Lindsey, Lori McKenna & Liz Rose, songwriters (Little Big Town)
“See You Again” — Andrew Cedar, Justin Franks, Charles Puth & Cameron Thomaz, songwriters (Wiz Khalifa Featuring Charlie Puth)
“Thinking Out Loud” — Ed Sheeran & Amy Wadge, songwriters (Ed Sheeran)

Our tip: This differs from the Record Of The Year award because, um, they list all the writers or something. But hey, it acts as a great opportunity to give basically the same award to two different acts, so our money’s on Swifty here – with seven noms for the night, she’s bound to upset Kendrick at some point.

Best New Artist

Nominations:

Courtney Barnett
James Bay
Sam Hunt
Tori Kelly
Meghan Trainor

Our tip: Not being known for putting taste above commerce, our monkey on Courtney Barnett is about as likely to come in as a shagging cat. Chances are it’s 50/50 between James Bay and Tori Kelly, since they’re performing together on the night, always a major results giveaway.

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance

Nominations:

“Ship To Wreck” — Florence + The Machine
“Sugar” — Maroon 5
“Uptown Funk” — Mark Ronson Featuring Bruno Mars
“Bad Blood” — Taylor Swift Featuring Kendrick Lamar
“See You Again” — Wiz Khalifa Featuring Charlie Puth

Our tip: Basically the Record Of The Year and Song Of The Year awards again but the solo acts have to team up to win it. So this will undoubtedly go to ‘Bad Blood’ for having two of the biggest tipped acts of the year on the very same Wav file.

Best Rock Performance

Nominations:

“Don’t Wanna Fight” — Alabama Shakes
“What Kind Of Man” — Florence + The Machine
“Something From Nothing” — Foo Fighters
“Ex’s & Oh’s” — Elle King
“Moaning Lisa Smile” — Wolf Alice

Our tip: Now we’re talking. Or not, as the caterwauling mundanities of Florence + The Machine, which ‘rock’ not a jot, will undoubtedly triumph over the mighty Wolf Alice. Shit business.

Best Alternative Music Album

Nominations:

Sound & Color — Alabama Shakes
Vulnicura — Björk
The Waterfall — My Morning Jacket
Currents — Tame Impala
Star Wars — Wilco

Our tip: Unique in the history of the Grammy awards, this is an award that no bad act can win. So with some actual quality to choose between, we’re plumping for Tame Impala, as the bona fide Critics Choice of 2015.

Best Rap Album

Nominations:

2014 Forest Hills Drive — J. Cole
Compton — Dr. Dre
If Youre Reading This Its Too Late — Drake
To Pimp A Butterfly — Kendrick Lamar
The Pinkprint — Nicki Minaj

Our tip: Kendrick. Next!

Best Jazz Instrumental Album

Nominations:

My Favorite Things — Joey Alexander
Breathless — Terence Blanchard Featuring The E-Collective
Covered: Recorded Live At Capitol Studios — Robert Glasper & The Robert Glasper Trio
Beautiful Life — Jimmy Greene
Past Present — John Scofield

Our tip: Christ. How many awards are they giving out? 83? What’s up next? Best Spoken Word Album (Poetry, Audiobooks & Storytelling)? Taxi!