Kanye, you charmer. In one whopper of a romantic gesture, everyone’s favourite French pastry-loving God delusionist has reportedly bought ten branches of Burger King for his reality TV star fiancee Kim Kardashian as a wedding present. Yes, really. I guess all that talk of watching the throne on his 2011 collaboration with Jay Z was really about keeping an eye on the fast food chain’s stock prices ahead of this surprise purchase (in a case of classic rap oneupmanship, Hova’s probably in talks to buy a string of motorway service station Wimpys as we speak). Presumably each branch will now serve their slabs of meat in flakey croissants instead of traditional bread buns, and there’ll be side servings of fish fillet for all.
Kanye has a long history of expressing his love via the medium of fast food – “before anybody wanted K-West beats, me and my girl split the buffet at KFC,” he rapped on ‘Touch The Sky’, all the way back in 2005. But what else, beyond sharing cardiac arrest-inducing grease-drenched meat with your beau, is key to true love? Here’s the 100% Official* Kanye West Guide To Romance, as glimpsed in 10 of the great man’s lyrics.
Age is just a number
“WOO! Cause you a milf and I’m a motherfucker” – ‘Drunk In Love (Remix)’, 2014
True love is written in the stars
“My psychic told me she gonna have an ass like Serena, Tryna, Jennifer Lopez” – ‘Gold Digger’, 2005
Did we mention true love is written in the stars?
“My apologies, are you into astrology/Cause I’m tryin’ to make it to Uranus” – Jadakiss’s ‘Gettin’ It In’, 2004
Reward the person you love with undying generosity
“I wanna fuck you hard on the sink/After that give you something to drink” – ‘Bound 2’, 2013
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
“I think I just fell in love with a porn star / Turn the camera on, she a born star” – ‘Hell Of A Life’, 2010
Let love liberate you
“Them titties, let ’em out free at last/Thank godalmighty, they free at last” – ‘I’m In It’, 2013
Find exciting new ways to spice up your love life
“Pictures in my email/I sent this girl a picture of my dick” – ‘Runaway’, 2010
Juggling two partners is comparable to living under a barbarian racist oppressive government in South Africa circa 1955
“Now you sittin’ courtside, wifey on the other side/Gotta keep ’em separated, I call that apartheid” – ‘Blood On The Leaves’, 2013
Let music be the food of love
“Eating asian pussy/all I need is sweet and sour sauce” – ‘I’m In It’, 2013
Love’s a bit like the film RoboCop
“‘Cause I don’t want no RoboCop/ You moving like a RoboCop / When did you become a RoboCop?” – ‘RoboCop’, 2008
*Not official at all. Also, this story will almost certainly turn out to be total horse shit, much like the contents of a meal at [restaurant name redacted for legal reasons].