Imagine the scene. You’re all packed up for your first ever festival, welly boots in hand and body glitter stowed in plastic bags in case of leakage. Mum’s not let you leave the house until you’ve put three cartons of orange juice in your bag. She’s read some stuff about pills and now she’s concerned. You nod and humour her when she says to drink plenty of water and take extra socks. She’s stuffed the NHS Festival Survival Guide into your bag, and you’ve told her you’ll read it (even if this means a cursory glance before using it as kindling).
Finally you’re on your way, excited about what’s to come. Until…you’re nearly there, just 20 minutes from the site, and you hit a traffic jam. For the first half hour, it’s great bantz. Then you’re bored. After an hour, you look for the book you thought you’d packed, only to find it’s been left behind. NHS Festival Survival Guide it is.
You look up from the guide 20 minutes later, horror stricken. Because, ladies and gentlemen, it is grim. Festivals are rancid places, full of rancid people who do rancid things, and you prepped for this all wrong.
In your naivety, you thought the wellies were merely a formality, and you’d be running around carefree a la Kendall Jenner at Coachella. Nah mate. Trench foot.
“It’s important to keep feet clean and dry to prevent problems such as blisters, fungal infections or trench foot.”
“Trench foot typically develops after prolonged exposure to the wet and cold. “The only way to prevent trench foot is to keep your feet dry,” says Dr Howes.”
“If possible, take your shoes and socks off at night.”
Bit worried that they’ve suggested this might not be possible tbh.
“Flip-flops are not good festival shoes and neither are new shoes that can give you blisters.”
Well. That’s the new Stan Smiths fucked.
“Reduce your risk of picking up or spreading the germs that cause sickness and diarrhoea by washing your hands before you eat and after you go to the toilet”
Well that would be nice if, you know, you could actually wash your hands.
“Wear earplugs when you’re close to loud speakers…”The music around the sound stages can reach in excess of 110dB, equivalent to the noise made by pneumatic drill,” says the Royal National Institute for Deaf People (RNID)”
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Ahhghigu I didn’t bring earplugs. Oh it’ll be fine I’ll just have to use tissue paper instead. But what if the gross toilets run out of paper?!!
“People can get hypothermia (when your body temperature drops below safe levels) at festivals when the temperature drops at night, especially if their clothes are damp from sweat.”
I only brought bandeau tops and shorts! I usually sleep naked!
(Glastonbury is nothing like this).
“Camping gas accidents are the most common cause of serious burns at festivals.”
Oh, well that’s ok I guess. I’ll just eat some grotty takeaways.
“Never change gas canisters in or near a tent. Check that the canister is threaded properly before lighting.”
God. What if I’m stuck next to some drunk camping maniac who tries to use this stuff??
Nope. Nope. Nope. Almost glad I can’t click a hyperlink on a print out.
“Only buy wax flares from authorised dealers. Illegal flares can spit and run, causing wax burns.”
But what IS a wax flare? And where can I buy authorised ones?
Finally safely arrived at the festival, you run to the shop to buy expensive wet wipes and hemp socks.
But seriously, you should read the NHS Festival Survival Guide before you go to your next festival. WE’RE ALL DOOMED.