The nine worst kinds of music fan you’ll meet at university

You’ll meet some wonderful people at university. You’ll take new drugs, make friends for life and learn about bands, films and general pop culture frippery that will broaden your entire outlook. It’s going to be the absolute fucking best. But be warned: you will also be forced to rub shoulders with some of the worst people ever to grace the corridors of a ratty halls-of-residence. Some of these people, readers, are music fans. And so: NME Presents… The Nine Worst Kinds Of Music Fan You’ll Meet At University.

The gig-going couple

 

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This pair will flood Instagram with blurry photos from the third row and post selfies with their gig tickets. They will snog when Jamie T does ‘Emily’s Heart’ and will break up in third year when they realise going to gigs is the only thing they truly have in common.

The Radiohead fan

 

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Oh, this fuckhead. You had better hope a new Radiohead album doesn’t come out in the next three years, because this earnest wetwipe will host a “Radiohead listening party” (half a dozen people spasming in raptures at Thom Yorke’s falsetto) and probably write her dissertation about the band’s lyrics. To the Idioteque with you, Radiohead fan.

The local club promoter

 

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A dandy of the cobbled streets and strip-lit fish bars, this young buck has been inducted into a world of guestlists and Lambrini on ice in the provincial club scene. This charismatic chancer can get you into Club Republic for three quid before 10pm, yeah, but remember to show your flyer and tell ‘em Drew sent you. Also: push down that tight feeling in your chest that whispers that maybe Club Republic is totally shit and Drew is a useless shyster.

The EDM bro

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“Where’s the drop?” We left it back in 2013, mate.

The open mic night compère

 

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She will play her acoustic guitar and sing a plaintive cover of ‘Out of the Woods’ by Taylor Swift, then introduce a slew of trembling, aspiring singer-songwriters who won’t even have the decency to play plaintive covers of Taylor Swift. She will make wistful comments between sets and talk breathlessly about music as if she’s providing a voiceover about cream in an M&S advert.

The aspiring singer-songwriter

 

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Speaking of which: you will definitely be friends with an aspiring singer-songwriter. This delicate only child would have formed a band, if only he could drum up enough friends. You will go to his first three gigs at the open mic night because it sounds like a laugh, but soon the boredom will suffocate you like a capo clamped around your neck.

The part-time DJ

 

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He’s gutted Fabric has closed, even though it’s actually quite far from The University of Huddersfield and he only went that one time, escorted by his much cooler older brother. The part-time DJ has a fortnightly residency playing minimal house at the local craft ale micobrewery, even though literally no-one likes minimal house.

The vinyl bore

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“The sound is just so much warmer, yeah?” Spin yourself back to 1975 and tell someone who gives a shit, mate.

The mature student

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Broadening your mind by returning to school in later life: commendable and cool. Fucking hell, though – if I have to hear one more time about why The Jam is greatest band of all time, I will call the glue factory and I will have your old ass taken away, so help me God.