A million witty hashtags disappeared down the plughole this morning. Twitter went down. That little blue bird collapsed for a while. The social media website was having a ‘mare and presented users with an error message that admitted “something is technically wrong” and thanked them “for noticing”. The only appropriate response: “You’re welcome, Twitter, but please note that something is literally wrong too. Many of us planned to spend this morning telling strangers they’re arseholes, so were left with a gap in our diaries.”
How, readers, did you spend the Great Twitter Blackout Of 2016? Instead of hitting the refresh button, you could have used that valuable time consuming some delicious #content from the steaming hotplate that is the internet. Like, you could also have worked on that novel, or – better – brainwashed your dog into doing backflips in time for this year’s Britain’s Got Talent. But that #content isn’t going to consume itself, so let’s look at what we should have been doing as darkness fell over the Twittersphere this morning.
Watching This Horrifying Video Of Donald Trump’s Girl Band
‘Donald Trump’s Girl Band’. What an ugly collection of words. Actually, it might make a good title for that dystopian novel about a toupeed dictator you’ll never finish because you’re too busy watching, agog, at this very real display of patriotism from three children the former host of The Apprentice and contender for American President has brainwashed into singing his praises at an event in Florida.
Listening to Virgin Kids
They might well be the UK’s answer to garage punks Black Lips, they’re signed to always-awesome LA-based label Burger Records and the drummer used to be in blistering York punk group Fawn Spots. ‘My Alone”, the new song by London band Virgin Kids: better than hitting ‘refresh’.
Hearing The Late Alan Rickman Read a Heartbreaking Poem
We were all devastated when it transpired that the actor Alan Rickman, who chilled us as Professor Snape in the Harry Potter films, would never get to use that fabulous voice of his again. Last week, as the world grieved his death at the age of 69, social media users began to share an audioclip of him reading a poem called ‘If Death Is Not The End’. It’ll put a spell on you.
Freaking Out Over The Trailer For 10 Cloverfield Lane
It’s apparently not a full-on sequel to JJ Abrams’ cult 2008 monster movie Cloverfield, though the director – who just brought the world to a standstill with Star Wars: The Force Awakens – says his follow-up is “a blood relative” to the original. Fuck knows what that means, but the trailer suggests a trendy indie horror with John Goodman shouting a lot. We’re in.
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Guessing Which 67 Marvel Characters Will Appear In The Upcoming Avengers: Infinity War
People say there are too many superhero movies these days, but apparently that’s not true, because studio execs have got many costumed vigilantes making the Marvel corridors look untidy that they’ve made a movie to house 67 of them at once. Charitable.
Keepin’ On Keepin’ On With Cali Punks Bleached
We premiered the video for the trio’s new single ‘Keep On Keepin’ On’ and described it as an “80s Ramones (Spector-produced) rearranging a Runaways classic”. If you need more than that before you’ll give it three-minutes-and-50-seconds of your life, there’s nothing we can do for you.
Laughing Your Ass Off At David Bowie’s ‘Behind The Scenes’ Extras Interview
The late David Bowie, who died last week, was a supremely talented musician. Yet a video emerged online to remind us that he was also a very funny man. We all remember his cameo in a 2006 episode of the Ricky Gervais sitcom, in which his character penned a delicious mean song that mocked Gervais’ character as a “chubby little loser”, but have you seen this clip? It’s scripted, but purports to be a genuine “interview” in which a pompous Bowie gets all thespy about his ‘process’. Catch the mad glint in his eye at 1.10.
Grinning Wildly At This Bowie GIF
While we’re on Bowie, he also gave good GIF. Is there nothing he couldn’t do?
Wailing Along To Adele’s Car Pool Karaoke on The Late Late Show With James Corden
Adele drives around London with James Corden, singing along to her smash-hit single ‘Hello’ and tells him his vocals are “amazing”. The man needs no encouragement, Adele. She also reveals she played drums on the track, sings to the Spice Girls’ ‘Wannabe’ and raps to Nikki Minaj’s verse in the banging Kanye West track ‘Monster’. Also refers to herself as “The A-Bomb”, which will henceforth become her official nickname.
Choosing A New National Anthem Because The Current One Sucks
Last week The House Of Commons adopted a proposal from Chestersfield MP Toby Perkins to debate whether England should have its own national anthem to sing at sporting events and suchlike. Currently England sings the UK’s anthem ‘God Save The Queen’, but it’s rubbish subservient nonsense to our lizard overclass, so what would you prefer? We suggested The Libs’ ‘Time For Heroes’, Pulp’s Common People’ and, perhaps the strongest contender of all, Death Grips’ ‘Have A Sad Cum’. What do you reckon?
Singing Up To Google+
Just kidding, it’s like five years old and still no-one knows what the hell it is.