Excuses, excuses. We’ve all been there. I ran out of time. I forgot. I wasn’t feeling well. My hamster ate it. I was wearing the wrong shoes.
What? The wrong shoes? Oh, well it comes to excuses, it seems musicians – and especially Bono - are offered allowances excluded from the rest of us. They can afford to be a bit more inventive with their reasoning.
So U2’s supposedly sub par Glastonbury performance was down to an ice rink stage and the wrong footwear. Insert your own ‘Get On Your Boots’ gag here. The Edge? The Edge was fine. Presumably he packs more footwear.
Bono’s not the only one concocting questionable cover stories, though. He joins a long line of apologetic musicians blaming everything but themselves.
As with many things, Axl is the obvious one. The poor guy’s been subjected to shitty soundmen, lazy promoters, ungrateful crowds, bad weather, and inconsiderate support bands wherever he goes. From Rio to Reading, there’s always someone or some thing intent on ruining his show. Must suck.
According to the Guardian, meanwhile, Morrissey has pulled shows due to problems with the water mains and central heating, because the venue was a former abattoir and once, apparently, because there was snow on the roof.
Madonna suffered malevolent air conditioning at London’s O2, which came as a surprise to anyone assuming it was dodgy chicken wings from Frankie & Benny’s down Entertainment Avenue that affected her warble. Celine Dion was attacked by that famously vocal chord-buggering Nevada desert air in Vegas, Taylor Swift was offered a bum earpiece at the Grammys, and Ashlee Simpson had to mime her way through some inocuous pop number on Saturday Night Live thanks to a bad case of acid reflex.
Ian Brown blamed Reading 1996 on wind in the monitors initially (before owning up) and Pete Doherty insisted it was Peaches Geldof grabbing his bum at Live 8 that ensured a shitty show from him. To be fair, it would probably put you off your stride. Justin Bieber, meanwhile, hasn’t deemed it appropriate enough to offer us an excuse for his existence.
Remember though, when you hear flimsy reasoning from your favourite band, the wise words of Axl Rose. None of these guys “would seek to intentionally disrespect anyone, especially their fans”. They just couldn’t help it, honest.
What’s the worst excuse you’ve ever heard from a singer or a band?