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Wagner Does Radiohead, But How Else Could The X Factor Fuck Up Popular Music?

By Tim Chester

Posted on 24 Nov 10

 
 

I don’t know why it still annoys me. I mean, it’s not like the X Factor contestants over the years haven’t broken into music’s vaults and systematically destroyed half of our recorded heritage already, pissing kerosene all over Dusty, Bruce, Prince, Gloria, Shirley, Bonnie, Jacko and Sinead (in this season alone), struck a match and danced goofily like a Xanaxed-up Williams around the flames. It’s not like we haven’t seen Elton ripped limb from limb over numerous excruciating hours or The Beatles (on the very week they met the digital world) violated every which way with, most heinously of all, Yoko praising the slaughter. Or Journey, the Primals and G N R buggered senseless during last year’s “rock” week. Remember ‘Hallelujah’?

But somehow, for some strange reason, the thought of Brazilian PE teacher and Bill Bailey lookalike Wagner covering ‘Creep’ seems to take the biscuit.

Wagner


A brief history of the man:




Thanks to these performances, William Hill have even slashed the odds of him winning from 100-1 to 10-1. The campaign to make this happen starts here (actually, that horse legged it from the barn ages ago). The guy’s such a howling gaffe of a performer his victory (even if it would mean tetchy gimp Louie Walsh gets a winner) would subvert the whole shammy concept of the programme from the inside out, much like Widdecombe strictly “dancing” the hockey stick stomp.



So Wagner and Widdy’s popularity-from-hopelessness prove it’s high time we bag and bin both shows (you can keep Get Me Out Of Here as long as the kangaroo anuses keep rolling), but in the meantime let’s send off the rest of recorded music with a bang. What other tunes do you want to see burnt to a cinder in the bonfire of the classics? As we inch closer to final cultural armageddon, which decent tracks have escaped unharmed for too long? ‘Whole Lotta Love’ has been obliterated (series 3) but how about ‘Babe I’m Gonna Leave You’? That Stevie Wonder could do with being taken down a peg or two, let’s fuck all his tracks up. How about Joy Division week? Actually, someone’s already envisioned what that might be like. What would be the most inappropriate X Factor tune?

 
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