The Brit nominations were announced yesterday and we were pretty unimpressed by the list of nominees. “The Brits”? More Like “The Britzzzz”.

Jessie

The dominating figures? Ed Sheeran, Jessie J, Adele… WAKE UP AT THE BACK! Let’s take a look at who should have been nominated in some of the key categories.

Best British Male

Ed Sheeran, James Blake, James Morrison. Basically, you only nabbed a nomination this year if you were named after a Prefect in a really, really posh private school. Professor Green (real name: Tarquin Fauntleroy) and Noel Gallagher (aka Lord Humphrey Mountbatten III) were also nominated. But where was Alex Turner, whose lovely ‘Submarine EP’ was a highlight of last year? Or The Streets and Patrick Wolf? We smell a rat. And that rat is holding an acoustic guitar.

Best British Female

Adele (obvs) and J-J-J-Jessie “gurn” J are the likely victors. The most obvious omission is PJ Harvey, but also couldn’t they have made room for Katy B and her all conquering ‘On A Mission’, or Nicola Roberts? We can’t quibble with Kate Bush, Laura Marling or Florence, however (on the upside they have banned Annie Lennox from the building).

Marling

Best British Breakthrough Act

What does ‘breakthrough’ mean? Someone’s broken through the sound barrier? Broken a load of hearts? Some dishes in the studio? Who knows. But oh dear, look, Ed Sheeran and Jessie J have popped up again. Emeli Sandé’s who started off well then went a bit “music our mum likes” is also there. Thank goodness for Anna Calvi and The Vaccines though. But why wasn’t there room for Frankie & The Heartstrings or Metronomy (who really did “breakthrough” with ‘The English Riviera’)?

Best British Group

Arctic Monkeys, Kasabian and Elbow all get nods. But so do the dull likes of Coldplay and the “nails down a chalk board” likes of Chase & Status. But no Horrors, Bombay Bicycle Club or Friendly Fires? Come on!

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Best International Male

This is just random. The deadly double of Bruno Mars and David Guetta are nominated, as is Ryan Adams (presumably as some kind of post-modern joke?). Bon Iver and Aloe Blacc get nods too. Lil Wayne is ignored again. But at least Chris Brown didn’t get a nom. Small mercies, small mercies…

wayne

Best International Female

Beyonce, Bjork, Feist and Rihanna get some big love. And the ever present Lady Gaga gets a nod too. It’d be too much to expect some recognition for Lykke Li, Gillian Welch or Nicki Minaj though, right? Right.