The worst Christmas Number Ones of all time

Why so many creepy kids?

Every year, artists across the land battle for the Number One spot on the Friday before Christmas. Queen, Whitney Houston and The Beatles have all released festive chart toppers. Unfortunately, so have Mr Blobby and Rolf Harris. Here are the 10 worst Christmas Number Ones.

Mr Blobby

‘Mr Blobby’ (1993)

One of the great challenges faced by modern Brits is explaining Mr Blobby to the rest of the world. It’s even harder to explain how he reached Number One. Please, never watch this video on drugs.

Turkey Moment: Frankly, the whole thing’s a blobbing travesty, but the worst part might be the fart-based middle-eight.

Bob The Builder

‘Can We Fix It?’ (2000)

Yes, a Plasticine cement mixer has more Christmas Number Ones than you – and Eminem, who Bob was up against in the 2000 chart race. 

Turkey moment: Nothing’s fixing the cat DJ breakdown.

Clean Bandit

‘Rockabye’ (2016)

Wasn’t it supposed to be Christmas, not July? Clean Bandit’s deeply unfestive end to 2016 had all the hallmarks of a holiday hit.

Turkey moment: Sean Paul narrating this moving tale of a starving single mother.

 

 

Cliff Richard

‘Mistletoe & Wine’ (1988)

Officially the worst holiday song ever, this is the one your drunk uncle performs at the Christmas karaoke night.

Turkey moment: “Love and laughter and joy ever after ours for the taking, just follow the master,” Cliff promises, like he’s recruiting for a sinister suicide cult.

Benny Hill

‘Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)’ (1971)

Hill’s milky Morricone hit the point where the novelty knobheads laid claim to Christmas. No Ernie, no Blobby.

Turkey moment: Even in 1971 the ‘pasturized’ gag must’ve been several centuries old.

 

 

Rolf Harris

‘Two Little Boys’ (1969)

Given what we now know about convicted paedophile Rolf Harris, everything about this record screams: “No.”

Turkey moment: The heavy breathing.

Shayne Ward

‘That’s My Goal’ (2005)

The first X Factor Number One, this four minute schmaltz-fest features slow motion clips of Ward weeping and whooping throughout the competition. Shayne now stars in Coronation Street.

Turkey moment: When you realise it would be impossible to chant it on the terrace at West Ham.

St Winifred’s School Choir

‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’ (1980)

A choir of schoolchildren singing about their grandmas beat a posthumous John Lennon to Number One. The ‘80s were weird.

Turkey moment: The bit where you recognise one of them as Shelley Unwin off of Coronation Street.

Jimmy Osmond

‘Long Haired Lover From Liverpool’ (1972)

Why were they so obsessed with creepy singing children in the old days?

Turkey moment: As every cheesy Dixie chorus comes around, it couldn’t be clearer that Little Jimmy Osmond had never set foot within carjacking distance of Liverpool, chuck.

Matt Cardle

‘When We Collide’ (2010)

Another boring white boy X Factor winner, another sickly slo-mo competition music video. Except this time, they covered Biffy Clyro’s ‘Many of Horror’ – very badly. A thousand indie kids wept.

Turkey moment: When it reaches the end and nothing has collided with him.