Zayn Malik, the bequiffed former member of One Direction who’s done a Robbie and left the band to pursue a cooler solo career, has unleashed the tracklist for his upcoming album Mind Of Mine. It’s not out until the end of the month, though he originally announced it the day he left Harry and the lads in the lurch. Shots fired!

Speaking to Zayn Lowe on Beats 1 a few weeks ago, he explained: “I kind of always wanted to go – from the first year, really. I never really wanted to be there in the band. I just gave it a go ’cause it was there at the time.” The 23-year-old revealed that he was frustrated at having little creative input in the boy band, though conceded that his bandmates allowed him “certain R&B ad libs”, which he described as “nice”.

Well, readers, you wouldn’t describe the lyrics to his debut single ‘Pillow Talk’ (which beat One Direction’s record by hitting number one in the Billboard Hot 100) as “nice”: “I love to hold you close… so dirty and raw”. You wouldn’t describe the back cover art, which appears to depict close-ups of sperm, as “nice”. No, it’s all thrillingly nasty.

And what about that formatting? Couldn’t Zayn decide on caps or non-caps? Isn’t it a bit weird to have a song called ‘BeFoUr’? These people certainly thought so…

Sam got all skeeved out

@matthiyass had an interesting theory

Caitlin made a startling discovery

Dionna plugged in and bugged out

And MSN/AOL messenger comparisons became a whole Thing

Also MySpace (2006 was a theme too)

Taylah was cautious but optimistic

Justice felt nostalgic

Whereas emie just did not have time for this shit

Britney felt dizzy

@soldehdad remembered the bad old days

@lovelikehaz had concerns about Zayn’s squad

@hes1990 was just enjoying the show

While House Martell brought the sass

And Steph was in actual pain (#prayforsteph)

critic tyanna lived up to her name

And @mewoowtina showed us her claws