Settle in – it's going to be a long night. Please drink responsibly.
If you’re sensible tonight (June 8), you’ll turn your phone off, head to bed before 10pm, and wake up to whichever dystopian / revolutionary / [insert here] political outcome meets us tomorrow. But where’s the fun in that? If, like many of us, you’ve already put such an emotional investment into this year’s general election that it would seem pointless not to watch the results arrive seat-by-seat, then sit down and settle in – it’s going to be a long night.
This being the third massive political decision in as many years, election nights are becoming a traditional rite of passage. It’s a case of sticking on BBC One and watching the country’s fate gradually reveal itself. David Dimbleby pulls an all-nighter. Jeremy Vine stands next to some space-age but not especially informative graphics. There’s an awful lot of preamble, with political heads speculating for what seems like an eternity. And then the results begin to trickle in.
The best thing to do in these situations is to invite some mates over, get the drinks in and at least try to enjoy the night, whatever happens. Below is NME’s ultimate drinking game for tonight. Have fun, and please drink responsibly.
When someone mentions Brexit
When Jeremy Vine transports himself to an intergalactic starship enterprise
When David Dimbleby gets sassy at a talking head
Two fingers. Chant, ‘GO ON DAVID!’
When someone floats the idea of a ‘hung parliament’
When there are still massive queues outside the polls at 10pm
Two fingers, pray for democracy
When someone on the telly says ‘strong and stable’
When the camera pans to a Labour supporter suddenly looking optimistic
When a Tory voter is interviewed in a gastropub
Two fingers and a jug of Pimm’s
When someone suggests Jeremy Corbyn is ‘dangerous’
One sigh, followed by two fingers
When someone mentions the ‘coalition of chaos’
When there’s a montage of dogs at polling stations
When someone mentions the ‘magic money tree’
When the 10pm exit poll kills your dreams
Go to the pub
When Tim Farron pulls a face like he’s just swallowed a dozen sour sweets
When someone mentions Trump, just because
When pundits spend way too long discussing the significance of the first result, Sunderland South
Take a break
Every time Labour loses a seat
Every time Labour gain a seat
When you hear the fateful words, “the pollsters got it wrong”
Finish your drink
In a victory speech, Theresa May says she’s gained a ‘strong and stable’ majority
Finish the bottle, go to bed
In a victory speech, Jeremy Corbyn says he’s getting the cans in and JME’s going to be deputy PM
Get the bloody cans in, obviously. And drink responsibility.