NME’s General Election 2017 drinking game

Settle in – it's going to be a long night. Please drink responsibly.

If you’re sensible tonight (June 8), you’ll turn your phone off, head to bed before 10pm, and wake up to whichever dystopian / revolutionary / [insert here] political outcome meets us tomorrow. But where’s the fun in that? If, like many of us, you’ve already put such an emotional investment into this year’s general election that it would seem pointless not to watch the results arrive seat-by-seat, then sit down and settle in – it’s going to be a long night.

This being the third massive political decision in as many years, election nights are becoming a traditional rite of passage. It’s a case of sticking on BBC One and watching the country’s fate gradually reveal itself. David Dimbleby pulls an all-nighter. Jeremy Vine stands next to some space-age but not especially informative graphics. There’s an awful lot of preamble, with political heads speculating for what seems like an eternity. And then the results begin to trickle in.

The best thing to do in these situations is to invite some mates over, get the drinks in and at least try to enjoy the night, whatever happens. Below is NME’s ultimate drinking game for tonight. Have fun, and please drink responsibly.

When someone mentions Brexit

One finger

When Jeremy Vine transports himself to an intergalactic starship enterprise

Four fingers

When David Dimbleby gets sassy at a talking head

Two fingers. Chant, ‘GO ON DAVID!’

When someone floats the idea of a ‘hung parliament’

One finger

When there are still massive queues outside the polls at 10pm

Polling station

Two fingers, pray for democracy

When someone on the telly says ‘strong and stable’

One finger

When the camera pans to a Labour supporter suddenly looking optimistic

One shot

When a Tory voter is interviewed in a gastropub

Two fingers and a jug of Pimm’s

When someone suggests Jeremy Corbyn is ‘dangerous’

One sigh, followed by two fingers

When someone mentions the ‘coalition of chaos’

One finger

When there’s a montage of dogs at polling stations

A dog at a polling station

One shot

When someone mentions the ‘magic money tree’

One finger

When the 10pm exit poll kills your dreams

Go to the pub

When Tim Farron pulls a face like he’s just swallowed a dozen sour sweets

Tim Farron

One finger

When someone mentions Trump, just because

One finger

When pundits spend way too long discussing the significance of the first result, Sunderland South

Take a break

Every time Labour loses a seat


One finger

Every time Labour gain a seat

Two fingers

When you hear the fateful words, “the pollsters got it wrong”

Finish your drink

In a victory speech, Theresa May says she’s gained a ‘strong and stable’ majority

Finish the bottle, go to bed

In a victory speech, Jeremy Corbyn says he’s getting the cans in and JME’s going to be deputy PM

Jeremy Corbyn

Get the bloody cans in, obviously. And drink responsibility.