For evidence that internet pornography has warped the collective consciousness of hairy palmed boys up and down the UK look no further than the latest FHM 100 Sexiest Women list. In the past the crown has always catered to the geekier element of society, evidenced by past victories for the TV totty fodder of Buffy, Scully and Loisy and the heavy influx in recent years of Bruckheimer/Bay heroines Keira, Megan and Rosie.
Now with the announcement of this year’s victor, Tulisa Contoslavos, it seems horny teens aren’t getting their rocks of to sci-fi heroines any more but are instead opting for ex N-Dubz singers who can stake a case for being genuine victims of online sex tapes. In a vague attempt to redress the balance in favour of UK based horny nerds here’s a list of our favourite sexy movie characters, both male and female. Some dirty conceptualising in order to satisfy base sexual urges may be required.
That The Mechanic With No Name exhibited a carload of the symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome didn’t prevent the vast majority of the female populous sliding off their seats while watching Ryan Gosling don leather gloves and a scorpion jacket in last year’s monumentally majestic Drive. As with many of the men on this list, the ability to play pater protector generated extra horn-giving points. Just make sure he wipes the pieces of braincase from his shoes before you ask him in for a coffee and a chat. OK, just a coffee.
Sexiest Moment: The lift kiss. And the subsequent head stomping. But mainly the lift kiss.
9Nancy Callahan (Sin City)
Whenever Sin City or its imminent sequel pops up online you can bet your bottom dollar that the below image of Jessica Alba playing with her imaginary hula hoop will accompany it. Granted the other image choices available are typically Mickey Rourke’s warped mug and Bruce’s errant hairline but Nancy’s ‘routine’, even in static form, necessitates journalists making up stories just so they can run the pic.
Sexiest Moment: The lasso twirling stage show. Sexy enough to get Elton John to make it rain.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Men want to be with him too. Whichever OO7 you pick, Sean, George, Roger, Tim, Pierce or Dan, the underlying factor that links them all is that people would fuck Blofeld to get a chance to fuck Bond. We can only assume the reason why Idris Elba isn’t already signed on to play JB is that casting something that sexy in a role that sexy might lead to a mass explosion in population as cinemagoers uncontrollably rut the second the credits roll.
Sexiest Moment: For recent Bondage it has to be the little blue speedos.
7Sugar Kane (Some Like It Hot)
A recent meme depicting the difference between sex symbols of today and those of yesteryear proved conclusively that Marilyn was a Goddess – and as Sugar Kane she wiggled like never before. 73% of all transvestitism can be linked to Some Like It Hot and the belief that dressing up as a lady will get you closer to sexy ukulele players. Fact.
Sexiest Moment: Closing her eyes for a breathy (what else?) version of ‘I’m Through With Love’.
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Harrison Ford may be turning 70 this year but Indy is eternal. How could you resist a sexy professor who’s also a Nazi-busting, punch taking, renegade archaeologist? The latest instalment may have diminished his sex appeal but even as a GILF Junior has still got it.
Sexiest Moment: Telling Marion where it hurts and where it doesn’t. And then pointing to his cock. Lips! We meant lips!
In the Star Wars films little was made of Leia’s journey from stroppy teenager to mother protector (cradling an unfrozen Han, nursing a baby Ewok), but every step of the way she provoked the kind of thoughts that you didn’t need Jedi mind skills to read. Her mum was pretty hot too.
Sexiest Moment: Most would go for the ‘slave outfit’, but we’re opting for the interrupted snog on-board the Falcon. Palpable sexual tension.
4Aragorn (Lord Of The Rings)
That you could freezeframe a still of Viggo Mortensen in any other movie and garner little more than derogatory comments about his bumchin proves beyond a shadowfax of a doubt that the character of Aragorn is the key to the arousal of Middle Earth’s womenfolk. Hopelessly devoted to to one woman, good with his hands, handy with a horse and harder than a thousand Uruk-Hai Aragorn, he ticks off pretty much every sexy box imaginable.
Sexiest Moment: Throwing open the double doors after a triumphant return to Helm’s Deep. All it needed was a direct-to-camera “Ladies” to complete the effect.
3Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit? )
To aggravate further the queer nature of being in a state of arousal at a cartoon let’s remind ourselves that it could just never be. As John Cusack states in High Fidelity when referring to an ex, “It’d be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren’t Rocky.” The only way to be at peace with wanting to have carnal knowledge of Jess is to wish to be Roger Rabbit. Ergo, you want to be a cartoon rabbit so that you can engage in bestiality sex with a cartoon woman. We’d settle for a game of pattycake.
Sexiest Moment: ‘Why Don’t You Do Right?’. Dear God, why don’t you do right!?
2Tyler Durden (Fight Club)
In his own immodest words Tyler Durden looks like you wanna look and fucks like you wanna fuck. Subsequently he has the ability to wet any available or non-available gusset within a five mile radius. He also owns the ridiculous ability to pull off any item of clothing from leather jacket to dressing gown, even though the most desired item of clothing for his devoted fans would probably be Birthday Suit. Birthday suit and rubber glove. Speaking of which…
Sexiest Moment: Snapping on a rubber glove to ‘finish off’ Marla.
1Catwoman (Batman Returns)
You could blame/thank Olivia Newton John for the fetishistic bum-fondling PVC pants adopted by every action heroine of the last 20 years – Underworld‘s Selene, The Matrix‘s Trinity, The Avenger‘s Black Widow – but in truth the Queen of the world of leather is Michelle Pfeiffer. Throw in a whip and some pointy ears and, shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that. Ms Hathaway, the gauntlet has been well and truly chucked down.
Sexiest Moment: Out of breath after some Olympic style gymnastics, the cat gets her tongue in time to deliver a snarling “Meow”. Cue simultaneous explosion in hardware store and pants.