Come, sweet death, for they have outstayed their welcome
We’re less than 48 hours away from the release of Avengers: Infinity War, and there’s one thing for certain – it’s going to be an emotional bloodbath.
Earlier this year, Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige admitted that “people need to be careful what they wish for”, cryptically hinting that some of the franchise’s most iconic characters could be meeting their maker – most probably at the big purple hands of intergalactic badass Thanos.
But don’t cry! Embrace the possibilities, instead think of Thanos as your big bald mate who is here to take away the dead wood of the MCU.
Here’s the characters that deserve to meet their end in Avengers: Infinity War
Tony Stark/Iron Man
First appearance: Iron Man (2008)
When Tony Stark first emerged in 2008, he was the brilliantly confident face of the MCU – a slightly troubled billionaire with the money and power to transform himself into the titular hero.
Dripping with braggadocio and an endearing arrogance, Stark was a Bruce Wayne for the Facebook generation.
Ten years later, and it’s a very different proposition.
Put simply, we’ve now seen every possible side to Stark.
We’ve had three stand-alone films, two Avengers movies, and one Captain America film that showed how much of an uppity bastard he can be. Not to mention the fact he created Ultron, the most destructive villain The Avengers met until Thanos popped up. Talk about making your own busy work.
Now is the time to come full circle and finish him off.
That big glowing reactor thing in his chest finally explodes, causing his body to explode in several different directions.
Plausible? Perhaps not. But it needs to happen.
Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow
First appearance: Iron Man 2 (2010)
Let’s establish this now. Black Widow probably *won’t* die – Marvel is reportedly planning her own stand alone movie.
But along with close friend Tony Stark, she should be among the first people to feel the wrath of Thanos.
Throughout the franchise, she’s remained one of the MCU’s most frustratingly tedious characters.
We’re never given the chance to fully engage with the essence of her character, and she constantly remains a bafflingly relevant background player.
Do you care about Black Widow. I certainly do not.
Tony Stark’s exploded leg flies through the air, hitting Romanoff in the head while she’s conveniently standing on the edge of Stark Tower.
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Farewell, sweet princess.
First appearance: Guardians Of The Galaxy (2014)
Groot, sweet Groot. The character that captured 1,000,000 hearts and sold an equally depressing amount of those creepy funko-pop figures that people actually buy from HMV.
But herein lies my argument, he is sheer comic relief, a character purely included in a cynical attempt to shift a shit tonne of merchandise. He is the Jar Jar Binks of the MCU.
You probably love Groot? Who doesn’t? Adorable dancing Groot with his funny dancing and simpleton vocabulary, you cry.
I do not love Groot. I am a sadist. He must die.
Inexplicably stranded in the wintry wilds of Sokovia, Rocket Raccoon finally comes to his senses and uses Groot as firewood.
First appearance: Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2 (2017)
Despite playing a relatively big part in Guardians 2, Mantis’ powers are largely limited to psychic and telekinetic abilities.
She might know what’s coming next, but she won’t see it when Thanos crushes her for the sheer fun of it.
I will laugh. So should you.
Dunno. Something to do with ‘unforeseen events’. Make your own jokes.
First appearance: Thor (2011)
For all his hammer-wielding heroics, Thor is Marvel’s answer to the modern phenomenon of the ‘Gym-Bro’.
He is the man who silently sidles up to you at the gym and whispers “Do you even lift?”, his steroid-filled veins protruding from his skin.
And as Loki will attest, he is the sibling who sets impossibly high expectations.
I am team Loki. I am team failure. Thor must die.
As it turns out, Thor isn’t the only one can lift that bastard hammer. Thanos is more than capable of doing so, and proceeds to smash Thor into a thousand tiny pieces. Poetic justice right there.
First appearance: The Avengers (2012)
First and foremost, he is called Clint. A name that is primarily led across the globe by a man who created some seriously great movies before he went a bit mad and began talking to empty chairs.
Secondly, his ‘superpower’ is firing arrows with great precision. By this flawed logic, he is every bit as qualified as Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor.
For this alone, he must die.
Thanos finds a giant dart board and straps Hawkeye to it, before playing the most brutal game of 180 ever seen.
Steve Rogers/Captain America
First appearance: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Much like your granddad’s questionable jokes at Sunday lunch, Steve Rogers is literally the product of another era.
He is an old man who has heroically defied the ageing process, a Mick Jagger of the MCU, if you will.
Also, Captain America is a fucking terrible name, only befitting of a man who worships Donald Trump and watches Infowars videos in his spare time.
Bucky Barnes is fed up of playing second fiddle and kills his closest friend for the fun of it. Why the hell not?