Considering the horrible recent events -tsunamis, earthquakes, dictatorships killing people etc– it came as light relief last week to read a piece of news that was both strange and faintly comical. That news was that Oscar Winning writer Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction) was taking fellow Oscar Winner writer Alan Ball (American Beauty) to court over a noisy macaw.
Confident that the story wasn’t just a shameless and weird plug for new kids animation Rio (a film about a noisy macaw) NME decided to delve into the weirdest, funniest and downright dangerous Hollywood spats.
Unsurprisingly the list includes everyone’s new favourite distraction from global events, Charlie Sheen…
South Park Vs Tom Cruise
Having had their fill of every religion from Christianity to Islam, the opportunity to give Scientologists a good poke just seemed like another T that needed crossing for the Southern Parkers. But as John Sweeney found out Scientologists love a good fisticuffs.
Taking the most umbrage was Hubbard poster boy Tom Cruise who’s input into the episode ‘Trapped In The Closet’ was tantamount to Matt and Trey calling him a gay in the playground. Tom’s reported response; throwing his toys out of the pram for mutual company Paramount saying he wouldn’t do press for MI:3unless the episode was pulled.
Tom Cruise – “I’m really not even going to dignify this. I honestly didn’t really even know about it. I’m working, making my movie.”
South Park – “ A publicist couldn’t have orchestrated this any better for us. You know what I mean? Tom Cruise has done more for South Park than anyone I think in the world.”
Winner – South Park!
Bill Murray Vs Lucy Liu and McG
How could you not love Bill Murray? Lucy Liu and director McG certainly gave it a good old fashioned college try after the pair fell out with Dr. Venkmen making Charlie’s Angels. Reports that Murray made Lucy Liu cry after attacking her acting talent were never fully explained by either party but McG fessed up to The Guardian years later that Bill head-butted him on set. Murray did not return for the sequel.
McG- “I don’t think there’s been a film I’ve made where there hasn’t been some kind of physical fight.”
Bill Murray- “He deserves to die. He should be pierced with a lance, not headbutted.”
Winner – Bill Murray!
Charlie Sheen Vs Sean Young
If you tried getting onto the original set of Wall Street by claiming to be ‘a friend of Sean Young’ you’d have better luck proclaiming Bin Laden your best bud instead.
Unhappy that Daryl Hannah had a bigger role than her, Young campaigned to get their roles swapped mid-filming. Charlie Sheen in typical Charlie Sheen fashion thought the best way to resolve things was affixing a post it on Young’s back that read, “I’m the biggest cunt in the world”. Subtle Machine!
Winner – Charlie Sheen!
Joan Crawford Vs Bette Davis
The biggest and best catfight in Hollywood was between two of its most legendary actresses. Arguments still rage over whether the falling out between the pair was over a man or professional jealousy. Whichever way it started the feud snowballed for so long it’s difficult to mention one actress without referencing the other. Whatever the animosity it sure made for a helluva film in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?
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Joan Crawford (On Bette Davis) – “She has a cult, and what the hell is a cult except a gang of rebels without a cause. I have fans. There’s a big difference.”
Bette Davis (On Crawford) – “She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”
Winner – Tied!
Full On Fistfights
Uwe Boll Vs His Critics
Most film critics, if given the choice, would rather take a beating than watch another Uwe Boll film. In 2006 Uwe offered them that exact opportunity, putting out a challenge to all would be naysayers that he’d fight them in the ring. Conflicting reports from once eager participants said the whole thing was supposed to be just a publicity stunt, for them and the director. That was until the crazy German actually started landing real, heavy punches. He’d also like to have a go at Michael Bay too…
Uwe Boll – “I now like the critics… Everybody who was in the ring showed guts. Nobody dived.”
Ain’t It Cool News Jeff Schnedier – “I think he’s a jerk. This might be PR but I don’t want to keep getting punched in the head.”
Winner – Uwe Boll!
Werner Herzog Vs Klaus Kinski
If anyone ever made a film of Werner Herzog’s life, the audiences wouldn’t believe half of it. From being shot during an interview with Mark Kermode to diving into Cacti to calm angry dwarves, director Herzog has had, to say the least, an eventful life. A life that, if his star Klaus Kinski had any say in, would have been much, much shorter.
Herzog on Kinski: “People think we had a love-hate relationship. Well, I did not love him, nor did I hate him. We had mutual respect for each other, even as we both planned each other’s murder.”
Kinski on Herzog: “Herzog is a miserable, hateful, malevolent, avaricious, money-hungry, nasty, sadistic, treacherous, cowardly creep… he should be thrown alive to the crocodiles! An anaconda should strangle him slowly! A poisonous spider should sting him and paralyze his lungs! The most venomous serpent should bite him and make his brain explode! No panther claws should rip open his throat–that would be much too good for him! Huge red ants should piss into his lying eyes and gobble up his balls and his guts! He should catch the plague! Syphilis! Yellow fever! Leprosy! It’s no use; the more I wish him the most gruesome deaths, the more he haunts me.”
Winner – Tied!