If you couldn't be bothered to sit through two hours of A-List backslapping and Jonathan Ross's cock fellatingly sycophantic jokes ("Oh Brad, How do they make you look ugly? It's a miracle!") then here I am to give you a run down of who won what at last nights BAFTAs. I am nice, aren't I?
As you can probably guess by the pic above the big winner was "The Feelgood Hit of The Decade". You know the one. The one with the eye-gouging, the slavery, the torture and the swimming in shit for comic effect. Pulling off awards for Best Film, Director and Adapted Screenplay, as well as picking up awards for Sound, Editing, Cinematography and Music, Danny Boyle and co's table broke under the sheer weight of metal faces.
Fair play to them, they all seem like lovely people (especially Dev Patel) and my personal ambivalence to it can't overshadow the fact that it is a well made movie that many, many people love.
Absurdly, while the best film of the year was British it wasn't the Best British Film. which instead went to 'Man On Wire'. Not a documentary about being hooked on the Baltimore-set Best TV show ever, but rather the tale of a French guy that walked between the twin towers. Obviously while they were still standing.
Best Foreign Film went to the French with 'I've Loved You So Long' but as it starred Kristen Scott Thomas the tabloids can still use THE BRITISH ARE COMING headlines from now until the Oscars in two weeks time. 'In Bruges' writer Martin McDonagh was the rightful winner of Best Original Screenplay even if the script did comprise mainly of the word 'Fuck'.
Rising Star went to Noel Clarke for his myriad roles making Adulthood, while Steve McQueen (no, not that one) received the ridiculously long titled Carl Foreman Award For Special Achievement By A British Director, Writer Of Producer For Their First Feature Film.
'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' picked up a couple of awards but none of these were enough to bring even a flicker of a smile to David Fincher's face. And while Brad seemed to enjoy the evening, Angelina sat po-faced throughout. This caused my good friend Lewis to shout "That's what those African parents said!" every time a clip was shown of her in 'Changeling' screaming "I want my son back!".
In the acting stakes Kate Winslet avoided the histrionics of her Golden Globe perfromance when she picked up Best Actress for 'The Reader'. Penelope Cruz seemed on the verge of waterworks but also managed to hold back when picking up Best Supporting Actress for 'Vicky Christina Barcelona'. Shame really, I do love a good cry. Thankfully I just had to look in a mirror whenever they showed any clips of 'Wall-E' which deserved a lot more than just Best Animation.
Also bringing on the tears were Heath Ledger's win for Best Supporting Actor for 'The Dark Knight'. I'm getting fed up with people saying it's a predictable winner. The guy was a remarkable actor, getting better and better and had the respect of every single person he ever worked with. You deserved it Heath.
Speaking of respect, thank you Mickey Rourke for the highlight of the night. Picking up Best Actor for 'The Wrestler' his f-word speech was humble, funny and from the heart. Pulling off a 'long hair/shades in doors' look is hard to do, but Mickey achieved it with aplomb. Not as cool were the scenes shown with his 'on-screen daughter' Evan Rachel Wood. If the tabloid rumours are true and they are making the beast with two backs, this film is going to be much harder to watch on return viewings.
Second greatest moment of the night was Mick Jagger presenting Best Film. This caused me to impromptu 'do my best jagger' and put my back out a little. It was worth it as Mick stole the show with tales of Judi Dench trashing hotel rooms and Ben Kingsley singing 'Brown Sugar'.
Final highlight of the night was Terry Gilliam picking up the Lifetime Achievement award. I'll just list a few of his films and that should speak for itself. 'Brazil', 'Twelve Monkeys', 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas', 'All Python Films', 'The Fisher King' and 'Time Bandits'. I'd say that's more than deserved then.