Last night I stayed up to watch the Oscars. It was for the most part enjoyable, but I’ll admit, there was a moment around 3am, around the time I was watching Halle Berry being interviewed about her shoes, where I did think to myself, “I wish I knew the precise moment my life went wrong...” In fairness, Halle Berry did seem to be thinking much the same thing.
If you didn’t stay up, and went to bed, then I’d just like to say that I hate you, and, over the course of the next 48 hours or so, then I’m sure my wrecked sleeping patterns will hate you too. But being the kindly sort, I did pull together a list of the evening's highlights, a sort of guide to what the Oscars 2011 gave to the world.
Without further ado, here are ten things I learned from the 83rd Academy Awards...

1) James Franco and Anne Hathaway should stick to the day jobs...

First off, I have never seen someone more excited to do anything ever than Anne Hathaway was to present the Oscars. This is good. Sadly, James Franco seemingly decided to counteract this by spending the entire evening sulking, like a small boy in an orphanage being told he’s not allowed to climb a tree. This is baaaaad.

It was sorta like one of those terrible student parties were everyone’s edgy because everyone’s on different drugs (NB: on behalf of NME’s lawyers I’m obliged to say NOBODY AT THE OSCARS WAS ACTUALLY ON DRUGS. PROBABLY).

That’s perhaps harsh. At times I thought the pairing were pretty cute, and they certainly zinged more than, say, Billy Crystal has at any point post-1993. But it says something when Bob Hope turns up from the thereafter to digitally PWN you, as he did to present Best Visual Effects.

It’s nice to see that the wonders of digital technology have helped Franco grow back his arm too. Now, if they could do something to wipe the 127 Hours ‘sad wank’ scene from my brain, then that’d be smashing...


Gallery: The Oscars 2011 In Pictures

2) Americans really like The King's Speech

That The King's Speech scooped all of the evening's major awards came as no surprise – Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Best Director (okay, maybe that one a little bit, at least if you’re David Fincher). But what was astonishing was to learn just how much Hollywood likes it. Most American thesps who were asked what they thought of the movie just giggled nervously, a bit like they were asked what they wear to bed instead.

To Brits the film is merely a well-made celebration of our uptightness, our stoic defiance of cool – there’s a scene in the middle of the movie that, give or take the nicer crockery, is basically my perennial family Christmas. Yet to Americans it oozes class and charm, representing an ideal for living. The upside is that this may be enough to see off the inevitable Samuel L. Jackson staring U.S. reboot, The King's Bitch.

The downside is that none of us are going to be able to get through immigration ever again without being asked if we know Geoffrey Rush.

3) The Academy has no class…

Last year the Oscars ‘in memorandum’ montage tribute snubbed Farrah Fawcett. This year it omitted Corey Haim. Hang on, let me get this straight, so you’ll talk to Halle Berry for ten minutes about her earrings, but won’t take ten seconds to acknowledge someone who was in The frickin Lost Boys? How typical of the Academy to believe that even death has an A List.

4) Man, Katy Perry looked tired…

Oh hang on... that was Russell Brand's mum?

5) We still don't know who Banksy is…

Or is Russell Brand's mum actually Banksy? My head hurtz. No Best Documentary for Exit Through The Gift Shop = no grand reveal. The irony of the Oscars fabulously wealthy audience going fucknuts for the categories winner - Inside Job, a film about the financial meltdown of 2008 - wasn’t lost on me though.

6) The Oscars does love Inception after all...

After all the fuss concerning Christopher Nolan’s snub in the Best Director category, it was surprising to see Inception actually scoop as many awards as The King's Speech, the evening’s marquee winner. It did it quietly though, winning all the awards that nobody else wanted; Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Seat Next To Halle Berry, that sort of thing...

7) Toy Story 3 is really very good...

Pixar’s series finale won Best Animation. In other dispatches from the stating the obvious newsdesk, the sky is still blue and Matthew McConaughey is still a talentless dolt (except in that submarine film he was in, that was class).


8) Swearing is still cool kids...

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the awards two coolest guests were also those who demonstrated the filthiest vocabularies. Collecting her Best Supporting Actress Award, chain-smoking goddess Melissa Leo almost gave presenter Kirk Douglas a coronary by dropping the F-bomb. Later, her The Fighter co-star Christian Bale collected his Best Supporting Actor a) in the style of Dick Van Dyke auditioning for Fleet Foxes and b) by acknowledging his past swearing prowess.

Later, in a bid to be liked, Halle Belle called someone a “fucking bellend”. Except she didn’t. I just made that up.


9) Gwyneth makes Coldplay sound like Slayer...

L8RZ Gwyneth.

10) True Grit woz robbed…

The Coen brother’s reinvented western received ten nominations. It scooped no awards. Nadda. None. Nil. It’s now second only to The Colour Purple in the league table of biggest disappointments on Oscars night.

There will be a point later today where this information will penetrate my sleep deprived brain and the realization that Driving Miss Daisy has an Oscar and True Grit doesn't will hit me. I will feel confused, like everything I know about life has been turned inside on itself. Then I will feel scared. I will feel alone. I will ask myself, “Is this how it feels to be Halle Berry?”

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