Back on a rare sunny day last summer, some friends and I hit the local pitch and putt course where we conceptualised the greatest golf/horror film of all time. Entitled The Snead, the bloodthirsty and brilliant idea saw a rejected golf club turn unstoppable killer. Tossed into a bush by its frustrated owner The Snead (somehow) acquired magical and homicidal tendencies, feasting on joggers, doggers and golfers searching for errant balls. To cut a long story short, a reluctant hero lured The Snead to a smelting factory in a climax not entirely unlike T2: Judgement Day. We're currently in talks with Harvey Weinstein.
As wonderful as our multi-dollar idea is it'll still require a touch of peyote to get close to eclipsing any of these batshit concepts.
The Pitch: A serial killer obsessed with Keith Chegwin murders third rate TV personalities.
So this exists. Described by no-one but its makers as “Saw meets Richard and Judy” the non-celebrity status of Cheggers, which proved a useful one-note joke for Ricky Gervais, has now been turned into a feature film. The fact that it's subtitled Volume 1 doesn't bode well. Could it be the much-mooted fifth sign after plague, war, famine and death?
The Pitch: A cop, a serial killer and the victim all turn out to be the same person.
Any Adaptation fans will recognise the above shitpitch as the work of the worst scriptwriter in the world, Donald Kaufman, as channelled through the best, Charlie Kaufman. What you might not know is a film was released four years later with a remarkably similar construct and exactly the same title, save the ever so classy numeral as letter. In the Thr3e the hunter, victim and killer are all revealed to be the same person but sadly there's no horseback versus police car chase symbolising the battle of technology versus horse.
The Pitch: Matthew McConaughey is the only non-dwarf in a family of dwarves. His wife hates dwarves. They are both worried their baby will be a dwarf.
A large tip(toe) of the hat to Cracked.com for pointing us in the direction of this humdinger. Despite containing two of the best actors in the whole entire world, Gary Oldman and Peter Dinklage, it's pretty damn hard to get through the trailer below, which looks every (4ft no) inch a parody, without busting a lung. The revelation that this is Gary Oldman's “role of a lifetime” may explain why he missed out on the Oscar for Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.
The Pitch: A man falls in love with a woman via a mailbox that delivers letters from the past.
Cooking in prison, youth hostelling with Chris Eubank, monkey tennis...? Alan Partridge's list of TV programme ideas is the quintessential poor pitch performance but if Norwich's finest had thrown “time-travelling mailbox” alongside 'inner city sumo' it probably would have generated the same amount of mirth. Worst still, it's the kind of headfuck premise that requires a bottle and a half of aspirin to try and decode. So let's just enjoy some vintage Alan instead.
The Pitch: A lady's nether region with teeth/a rubber tyre goes on a kill crazy rampage.
To prove that not all ridiculous pitches generate ridiculous films here's two insane ideas that created little mad gems. Like The Snead – coming to theatres 2013 – Teeth and Rubber take unlikely objects and turn them into non-stop bloodletting machines, the former doing more for abstinence than a picture of Rush Limbaugh in a thong. And the potential for a mash-up between the two is an exciting prospect as, according to my sex education, rubbers are good for protection against vaginas. Boom!
The Pitch: Some people throw a surprise party, the host falls out with his friends. That's about it.
Not so much green-lit as bankrolled by his own purse, Tommy Wiseau's $6m vanity project is often cited as being “The Citizen Kane of bad movies”. Written, produced, directed by and starring Wiseau, the 'plot', as much as there is one, centres around a man discovering the affair between his wife and his best friend. A perfect example of the danger inherent in making a film that doesn't really have a pitch to begin with, except perhaps, “It's this film about a bitch, yeah. I'll show that bitch. She shouldn't have ruined my life. Stupid bitch.”
The Pitch: After he is cursed, a literary agent will die upon uttering his 1000th word.
It is often said that there are no new ideas in movieland, which might explain why so many of the films in this list come from the turn of the millenium. The most recent edition, and Eddie could have had a few more, comes in the form of the recently ranked worst movie of all time. An awful trailer, an awful poster, an awful film, everything stems from the awful idea of adding the threat of impending death to Liar Liar. At least it gives you something to root for. Speaking of roots (best segueway ever)...
The Pitch: Incapable of having a baby of their own, a couple carve one out of wood.
It might seem unfair to single out the Czechs when it comes to absurd, surreal films (why not pick some David Lynch) but as short, snappy set-ups go “couple have a tree baby” is pretty unique.
The Pitch: Nazis! On the Moon!
Forget Pink Floyd and Transformers, soon the dark side of the moon will belong to the Third Reich. Taking a premise not dissimilar to an episode of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Iron Sky sees those pesky Hitler-huggers launching an attack on Earth from their space base. Newt Gingrich did try and warn us. But we didn't listen. Instead allowing a moon shaft gap between us and the Germans.
The Pitch: A crazy scientist sews victims from their bottoms to their mouths.
The current daddy of WTF-edness, Tom Six's body horror certainly has, ahem, legs. Not content with a second dose of bum-to-mouth action, the director is currently at work on Human Centipede 3 involving 500 unwilling volunteers. Unfortunately for those waiting for Human Centipede Six, in which Six glues his own rectum to his own mouth, the third installment is said to be the l-arse-t.
So tree babies, deadly bushes and dwarf-hating. Anything we've missed out? And to all those wanting to finance The Snead, do get in touch on Twitter.