As what little of the sunshine we had retreats, as The Ashes draws to a close and the football season starts (urgh), the summer is twitching in its final death throes.
Oh, fuck off, I know it’s not really – we’ve got a month left – but this seems like a good a way as any of starting a bitter and twisted look back over summer films that make you want to shit blood from your eyes.
The following list is really just in honour of ‘GI Joe’ (there is a sentence that will rarely be uttered again), a film that made me so upset for the cast and crew involved, the movie industry as a whole and any unborn babies that would soon be venturing into the world, I decided to see if it was actually the worst blockbuster ever. To be honest, it’s pretty close.
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
A handful of people hate McG for what he did with the Terminator saga. Some hate him just because his name is three letters long. More hate him for trying to remake ‘Spaced’ (the worst idea ever). My hatred is solely for the pure unadulterated crap that was the sequel to the ‘pretty crap but at least it had Bill Murray’ original. All this bag of balls had going for it was Bernie Mac. RIP, Kick it!
Wild Wild West
Few things in this world are certain. Death and taxes are two of the main examples, but there was a time when ‘Good Will Smith summer movies’ could be added to that list. That was until the wicky wah, wicky wah, wahld west came along. With at least 57 credited screenwriters each coming up with clunkers like “She’s a breath of fresh ass” the real villain seems to be producer John Peters. It’s kinda long but the Kevin Smith video below sums up the horror of working with that ‘visionary’ quite well.
I’m reticent to put Battlefield Earth in for two reasons. One, scientology is so obviously the correct religion that I can’t understand why anybody would not join it. Two, I can’t remember laughing so hard at any other film in my life. Everything from the ‘tripod missing a leg’ camera work to the ‘bit where they shoot a cow’s leg off’ is fucking hysterical. Enjoy all the best bits again in the video below.
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Famous Screenwiter William Goldman is often quoting as saying “Nobody knows anything” when it comes to movies. My friend Joe has a different view when he watches bad films of “How the fuck did no-one notice this was shit. I mean somebody had to notice. Perhaps not the producer who’s just counting his money but the special effects guys or the grips or the caterer or someone!” Sorry Mr. Goldman, when it comes to Speed 2, I’m siding with Joe. Even Speed 3 in ‘Father Ted’ was more suspenseful.
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Batman And Robin
It’s one thing to make an appalling piece of trash, but its another to sully the good name of a creation people know and love. With ‘Batman and Robin’ Joel Schumacher took a much-cherished icon and dressed him up like a giant cock with nipples. This nipple-wearing cock then had to deliver nothing but one-liners to a myriad of bad guys also delivering one-liners while dressed up like giant cocks with nipples. Should we thank it for leading to Nolan’s Batman or should we continue to chastise it as the worst film ever? I am, quite clearly, going with the latter.
Are any of these films simply ‘misunderstood?’ Do you have a worse favourite? Do you agree with me and Daisy from ‘Spaced’ that “The Phantom Menace wasn’t that bad” or are you more of a Tim Bisley, crying that the “jumped-up fireworks display of a toy advert” raped your childhood?