Just think - by the end of this year we could have a Tory government. Just like the one we've got now! Boom! Satire bursting forth from my keypad to your unprepared face! Didn't see that coming did you?!
Anyway, I was saying, soon we could have a Conservative government and then small-scale independent film can thrive again as we all hold hands and try to bring down the Cameron Obscura (because he 'obscures' his policies! Fuck me I'm on a roll!) with right-wing hating social commentary movies. That'll be fun.
For now though here's a handful of indie-type, low-scale films that might just be worth a watch.
Do you remember Glitter? The Mariah Carey movie that made Citizen Kane look like a reject for America's Shittest Home Videos. Well praise Allah she's back. What's that? Precious is being tipped for Oscars. And Mariah 'I wish I was skinny like those African kids' Carey is really good in it. I'm scared now.
OK, joking aside (yes those are jokes intertwined with me recycling bits of movie information I've gathered from the latest Empire), Precious looks incredible. The kind of gut-wrenching, thought-provoking movie making that should be being made. Featuring not just Mariah but Mo'Nique and Lenny Kravitz. Put it at the top of your must-see list now.
A high-concept British movie. Isn't that an oxymoron? Thankfully no, because someone has taken the time and effort to actually film and promote a movie based on an idea rather than lots of Mockneys going around trying to shoot each other.
Eight candidates locked in a room with an armed guard have to figure out 'The Question' on a blank piece of paper. The one that succeeds gets the job. You can see the hatchet critics now, "It's like The Apprentice On Crack", "GCSE's were never this bad!", and so on.
We've had films based on books, films based on computer games, even films based on theme park rides, but to my knowledge never has there been a film based on a trailer. Until now! Originally filmed as part of the Grindhouse fake trailers, Robert Rodriguez loved the idea of Danny Trejo's hitman so much it's now a feature.
So why is a film starring Robert DeNiro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal and Lindsey Lohan only making it into the 'little films of 2010'? Because as far as shoots go, fourteen days is pretty damn small, and if it's gonna have the same feel as the original trailer (see above) the budget ain't gonna be much bigger than El Mariachi. Still, double shot-gun toting priests? I'm already there.
After the cinematic excrement of Lying and the barely passable Ghost Town Ricky Gervias must have had a look around and thought something's missing. That something is Stephen Merchant. I'm not saying that Gervais isn't funny, it's just he's much funnier with a lanky goggle-eyed freak beside him.
Set in the 70's, Cemetery Junction centres on three young lads from Reading trying to sort their lives out. Apart from the 'trying to sort their lives out' bit it's as far removed from The Office as you could hope. And anybody that's seen In Bruges will know that Ralph 'You're an inanimate fucking object!' Fiennes can do damn good comedy. Regardless of what the trailer above says.
This movie is set in a tank. How's that for a pitch? Following on from last year's excellent Waltz With Bahir here's another take on the Lebanese conflict as four soldiers struggle to shoot innocent people just because they've been told to.
Not known for their films that don't feature a sense of humour (Is that rascist?) Israel is starting to address some of the harsher moments of their recent history and Lebanon is no different, with atrocities coming from all sides. Expect to see this there or thereabouts when the Best Foreign Film Oscar nominations are announced.
Next up is the 'Medium sized films' I promised. I'm just trying to work on a better title. I may just go with 'Films I Want To See' because I'm that self-indulgent.