The 5 Worst Films Of 2009

This is so much more fun than doing a ‘best of’ and shouldn’t attract anywhere near as much vitriol. After all when a film is so obviously a big steaming pile of turd, everyone agrees. Don’t they?


Having not sat through each and every movie this year, the selection of poop could be greatly expanded. But these are the five I did see. And instantly wished I hadn’t.

5.The Spirit
The film was basically ‘Sin City’ for children. Which is pointless, because every six year-old has seen the former, bloodier film off their little tits on heroin whilst stabbing pensioners. Tsk, pfft, Broken Bloody Britain, I ask you.

4.Harry Brown
I’d be glad to hear your take on what I found to be a truly detestable piece of cinema that left the kind of taste in my mouth that a pint of Listerine couldn’t get out.
Full Harry Brown Review

3.Lesbian Vampire Killers
Thank goodness then for ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’. A film so breathtakingly awful that I now have a legitimate reason to pray for Corne and Horden’s downfall, both economical and medical.
Full Lesbian Vampire Killers Review

2.GI Joe
Every bit of dialogue is either a badly excecuted one-liner or a dreadfully convoluted piece of exposition. All three credited writers should hang themselves in shame (No I didn’t miss out ‘their heads’ in that last sentence).
Full GI Joe Review

1.Miss March
Which leaves ‘Miss March’ the king of the shitpile. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll leave the final word to my fellow projectionist friend, (the one with the awful taste in films): “This had titty in it and it’s still crap”.
Full Miss March Review

Did you have to sit through any utter drivel worthy of inclusion? Anything really ‘get yer goat’? Was it worse than Miss March: Generation Penetration?

Thought not…