The Social Network is released in cinemas today and very good it is too. In case you’ve been in a coma for the last year, are a Chilean miner, or are a pervert and have been instructed by the police that you’re not allowed a Facebook profile, the film tells the story of how the social networking sensation came to be – and how creator Mark Zuckerberg fell out with almost everyone who helped make it and his resulting billion dollar fortune.
Written by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin and directed by Se7en’s David Fincher, it’s less a film about geeks and computers than a Greek tragedy set at Harvard and in courtrooms. I’ll admit that I baulked when I first heard about the idea to make a film about Facebook, but I’ll now also admit I was wrong too. Now I’m thinking there could be something in adapting the story of other social networks for the big screen. Maybe it’s there where my fortune lies. Maybe that’s my ticket to owning a pet unicorn and not eating out of bins. If Steven Spielberg is reading this, I urge him to pick up the phone and call.
Here are the films I would like to see made immediately.
Twitter: the movie
Staring Stephen Fry as the lead, with a supporting cast of, well, millions, this dialogue heavy script will tell the story of a handful of freelance journalists trying to score commissions with magazines and newspapers by thinking of funny things to quip about X Factor and Masterchef on a Saturday night. M. Night Shyamalan will direct and provide zing to the twist ending of 50 Cent turning up at the end and shouting about ‘bitches’ and stuff. I envisage Kayne West winning an Oscar for his breakdown scene.
Myspace: the movie
For this film I recommend merely ripping off the script of Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler and replacing any mention of the titular lead with the word Myspace. The story will tell the tragic tale of a once beloved website now strugging to exist in the face of nobody giving a shit about it but rubbish emo bands. To enhance the viewing experience, the projector showing the film will also inexplicably break down for hours on end. ‘Tom’ will be played by Vin Diesel.
Friends Reunited: the movie
In which every actor you ever hated in childhood – Corey Feldman, Fred Savage, Macaulay Culkin – turn up on screen and start telling everyone in the cinema how fat you were in Primary School. There will the option to go to a school disco themed party and meet the cast after the screening. You will go, but only because you think Claire Danes from My So Called Life might be there, the girl you thought you’d grow up to marry. She won’t be, she’ll be too busy having hot hot sex with her more-handsome-than-you husband Hugh Dancy. You won’t laugh. You will cry. You will hate your life.
Tumblr: the movie
Edgy and arthouse, in which random clips of people falling off skateboards and monkeys smoking are flashed before you, interspersed by stills of peoples art projects. The title will actually be Tumblr: tye muvie, loads of people will come see it – but each and every person who does will leave the cinema scratching their heads saying, “wow man, that film was really deep, it made me ask loads of questions of myself, like… what is it actually for?” Gaspar Noé will direct and somehow slip in a scene which appears to be shot from inside someone’s vagina. For a laugh, like.
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Foursquare: the movie
This film will be a little bit like Enemy Of The State where ‘the man’ attempts to keep track of where the population are going and what they are doing via the medium of a fun but pointless geolocation social networking tool. Oliver Stone will be behind the camera, and John Williams will direct the score, making the scene where lead Tom Hanks checks into his local Greggs, walks to Boots and checks in, walks to Argos, checks in and buys a shed to map the location of, sound much less mundane yet dramatic than the process actually is.
Friendster: the movie
Who gives a shit.